HypoMan.com

Introspection....

2011-09-13T22:17:00.002+01:00

It occurred to me today that there is something about me that I haven't mentioned in a while.

Those of you who have followed my blog (aka tale of woe) from the beginning will be all too familiar with it.... that's right.... it's time to talk about my.... "all together now"....

EXTREMIST PERSONALITY!

It still impacts on my life every.... single.... day!

I learnt the other day, at my meeting with my Project Worker from Mind (www.mind.org.uk), a mental health charity, that the correct term to use is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), see wikipedia page for BPD.

I felt that "extremist" was for want of a better word, well, extreme! But "borderline" implies that you are on your way to having a personality disorder but have not quite been accepted into the club just yet!

Is it any wonder I'm fucked up?!?!

From the wikipedia page for BPD there appears to be some consensus towards changing the wording of this disorder to Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. To me "emotionally unstable" implies one may be prone to violent outbursts, so this doesn't fit me either.

I digress, it is but a label.

Anyway, I wanted to try to explain how this impacts on my blog, my email correspondence with friends and even my "social networking".

It all hinges on the all or nothing thought processes that have become who I am (black or white thinking, NO grey!). You see, if I feel I can't do my very best and ultimately do myself justice (my perceived justice), I do not blog, email or interact online.

I am constantly working to address this and have blogged when less than happy with the result, sometimes even including some sort of disclaimer regarding how I'm not happy with the standard of writing etc.

With email correspondence it is even worse. I have the irrational fear of being judged by my peers and consequently their interaction with me must only be on my terms when I am again at my perceived best. Like I say, irrational, right?!?!

Running with this thought process for a moment it is clear that I have trust issues too. Why do I not trust my friends to understand that I may not always be at my best.

Is it because I fear they will no longer want to be my friend?

RHETORICAL ???? !!!!

Of course it is!

Still running.... furthermore, I hope that friends will appreciate a certain charm when my communication is a little bit clumsy. But I have not had the confidence to push this particular envelope thus far.

I have been told that my writing style (prose?) is appreciated and my musings enjoyed so why is this not enough. Self esteem issues, a lack of self worth? Yes and yes!

I think it's time for a favourite mantra of mine.... it is easy to talk the talk but much more difficult to walk the walk!

Or, do as I say not as I do.... espoused by all our favourite dictators/politicians/celebrities!

I can guess what you are thinking (ego alarm bells ringing!).... with this level of enlightenment and awareness surely salvation awaits *winks*

You would think so.

I want to try.

The friendships I have made on what is evidently to be my lifelong thyroid journey deserve nothing less. It is the shared understanding that has been so welcome, I just need to extend this courtesy to you, the readers of my blog, and my friends.

I need to try.

From a selfish perspective I think my blog will be better for it in a historical context if I am able to post in all weathers.

I will try.

I am but a work in progress on this journey that is my life.... and you lucky lucky people get to share in it!

"You're just too good to be true.

Can't take my eyes off you.

You'd be like Heaven to touch.

I wanna hold you so much.

At long last love has arrived.

And I thank God I'm alive.

You're just too good to be true.

Can't take my eyes off you."

Without fear how can we ever be brave?

Remember, for as long as we have hope we have a chance.

Gluten Free Baby, Yeah!....

2011-09-11T23:11:00.000+01:00

....in my very best Austin Powers voice!

I mentioned it as a footnote in my last post, the fact that I had been on a gluten free diet. It continues to be a revelation of sorts, in a good way. It has now been 4 weeks and I'd like to share a little more detail of this development with you.

I had been having a rough spell, during which times I withdraw from society and become a complete recluse. After a week or so of living on what I had in the cupboard I noticed my digestive comfort had improved and on reflection realised that I had in fact, inadvertently, been eating a gluten free diet.

When you are living with a chronic illness, any changes for better or worse are poured over in minute detail, almost obsessively. What do I mean almost obsessively?! It was obsessively OK!

Gluten free had been on my radar before. When you are looking for answers you come across all sorts of information whilst researching online. I have my own rule where I only ever try to make one change at a time, otherwise how can I be sure what it is that is making me feel better or worse? This takes time and incredible patience, something all of us in the online thyroid support community have in abundance, even if it doesn't always feel this way.

Anyway, the next time I ventured out to the supermarket I made a decision to give this whole gluten free diet thing a go, for real. It is basically a lifestyle choice, with the pros and cons this inevitably involves, but it is a CHOICE. For me it appears that the benefits far outweigh the sacrifices.

The sacrifices.... I LOVE pasta and bread!.... I LOVE pastries, biscuits and cakes!.... BUT.... I LOVE my new and improved digestive comfort MORE!

Did I mention, I LOVE PASTA????!!!!

Did I mention, I LOVE PIZZA????!!!!

(more about gluten free alternatives another time)

Right, let's cut to the chase, my digestive comfort! Which I think we all know by now is my way to avoid mentioning bowel habits too many times in any one blog post!

A little history....

Since being diagnosed with hypothyroidism my bowel habits have gradually become more problematic. My bowels are a topic for discussion, instigated by me, EVERY time I see my Doctor. For the last five years I have been taking 1 or 2 sachets per day of MOVICOL, a prescription supplement produced as an "effective relief from constipation".

Had this relieved my symptoms? No, not really, I always felt bloated and uncomfortable. EVERY DAY!

My Doctor is aware of this and not once has food allergy/intolerance been discussed as a possible cause of my digestive problems. NOT ONCE!

Again it was me, whilst in the grip of a chronic illness, who had to be proactive!

This is not right! This is another example of a failure in the duty of my care by health professionals!

NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!!

After two weeks following a gluten free diet I no longer needed to take the MOVICOL. My digestive transit times are now less than 24 hours instead of 2 to 3 days. I open my bowels once or twice a day (approximately 10 times a week) and it feels natural. In the immortal words of Alan Partridge my visits to the toilet are now "textbook"! Ha ha!

It tells you everything you need to know about me that I can be so excited about something "normal" people NEVER talk about. But I have suffered!

After five years of discomfort and worry in this one area of my health, to have it improve so dramatically is worth the sacrifice. It has to be. It is a no brainer!

I am also hopeful that with normal service resumed in the bowel habits department it might make it easier for me to leave the house without fear and anxiety and the resulting loss of control of my bowels (translation; shitting myself!). This I have discussed many times before in this blog (and to anyone who will listen! Ha ha!).

It is too early to tell if this lifestyle change has had the added benefit of weight loss. I will have to wait and see if my clothes start to fit better, which would be great!

I am still getting used to these changes but I really hope that in the not too distant future I am able to leave the house and go for a walk, then build up to longer walks, and then possibly even getting my push bike out!

BABY STEPS!

I still believe, with every fibre of my being, that the best possible treatment of my hypothyroidism is still the key to unlocking my future wellbeing and happiness.

To recap; I have now been gluten free for 4 weeks. I have been caffeine free for 7 weeks. Also, it has now been 30 months since I quit smoking forever!

Yay! Go me!

BUT! I'm still fat as butter!

And I still have many untreated symptoms relating to my hypothyroidism.

C'est la vie!

But it is nice to be able to share news of progress with you my dear readers.

MOVING BACK HOME LATEST:

It is still happening but Mum did not want me sleeping on the couch! The box room (a 2.3m x 2.8m cell) is being cleared and a bed has been ordered and will be delivered in 2 to 3 weeks. Then it will be all change.

I have to keep reminding myself that this is a necessary move to make so that I can save a little money. Enough to see a private doctor and pay for my own medication if required.

All together now....

Remember, for as long as we have hope we have a chance.

After The Storm....

2011-08-30T21:32:00.006+01:00

Such a beautiful song, enjoy....

Mumford & Sons - After The Storm

Update: I have yet to move back home to live with my Mum and my Brother.

They are "not ready" for me!?!?

So it is likely to be another couple of days.

But....

It is going to happen!

Decision made, end of story!

Funnily enough.... am I laughing?!?!.... since informing my Mum of my decision I have found some sort of peace with it all. And to be fair to my Mum she has always said that there is a bed for me at "home" if ever I needed it.

I will be on the couch until the box room is fixed up. Not ideal, but.... beggars can not be choosers.

It will be OK.

At some point since my last post I had an epiphany.... why have I been fighting so hard to keep my house during these difficult times?

The answer to this lies in my upbringing.... I think!?!?....

I grew up poor, not destitute, but poor. There was always food in my belly, clothes on my back and shoes on my feet. Typical working class really. Nothing at all to be ashamed of, in fact it's something to be extremely proud of.... childhood shapes us all and I am no different.

I had a happy childhood.

Yet, you see, it was a sign of social mobility for my parents generation to own their own home. I was raised in a Council House.... outdoor toilet, ice on the inside of windows and all that.... but my parents worked HARD and were eventually able to, in no small part thanks to Thatcher's government, buy their home from the Council. My Mum lives in this home, which has been modernised, to this very day.

So for me to leave full time education at 16 and make something of myself to the point where I could afford to buy my very own house was a BIG deal.

It was everything. My perceived success or failure depended on it!

Or so I thought.... until this week.

I realised I have been fighting tooth and nail to hold on to my home because I am afraid of what other people will think of me.... I know!

And this from someone who for as long as I can remember has tried to convince himself that he does not care what other people think of him.... I failed, despite deep down inside knowing I am a good man.

But you know what?!

I can tell you today.... for the first time in my life.... I do not care what others say or think about me.

It's about time I thought of me!

As I've mentioned before.... nearly all of my "friends" have vanished into the night anyway.... I am alone.... and lonely....

But I now have a clean slate.... and this is liberating.

Moving back home with Mum is a short term fix.... just how temporary only time will tell.... but I know for sure it will not be permanent.

The one thing it will allow me, is to concentrate on my health and see where that takes me. If my health improves as I hope.... which there is every chance it will.... I have every reason to be excited about the future.

If it does not then I will face it and deal with it.

I have likened my life now to finally playing the hand I have been dealt instead of trying to play the cards I wish I had been dealt. And you know what? There is much less resistance.

But why did I make the decisions I have made?

Pride? Stubbornness? Denial? Ego? Stupidity? Expectation?

Answers on a postcard!

Whatever, I need to walk with my head held high, not shuffling about staring at the ground!

This post has been me thinking aloud and writing it down.... it's a little bit jumbled.... but it's me.

I will always be me.

Hopefully in the future my writing will improve too. My prose is not flowing as I would like.... and my thought processes are jerky.... and my brain foggy!

In other news.... I have been caffeine free for more than 5 weeks, I am now stimulant free.

I have also been eating a gluten free diet for the last 2 weeks or so in an attempt to relieve my digestive discomfort. I am pleased to report that my bloated, distended belly is improving, as are my digestive transit times. I will persevere with this for a while longer before being able to accurately assess the impact of this dietary change.

I still intend to keep a journal/diary whilst living with Mum, and will try to post when I can.

Remember, for as long as we have hope we have a chance.

The Perfect Storm....

2011-08-25T02:18:00.004+01:00

First off; apologies for deserting my post all too often this year.

You all deserve so much better from me.

I am sorry.

I have had to try to face up to the reality of my life more and more recently. I can put it off no more; tomorrow I have to move back home and live with my Mum and my Brother.

I am devastated.

Who knew the past twelve years had just been purgatory. I now descend into hell....

For eternity?

I hope not.

I can no longer afford to live on my own on the Welfare Benefits the Government see fit to award me.

Simple as that. FACT.

The Government's desire to extinguish all hope and have me live in poverty in perpetuity is cruel. In another couple of years I will be useless to society, too far gone.

Only then will they be happy.

If they invested in me (short-term) rather than giving up on me (long-term) they would get excellent value for money. Instead the Government has become so short-sighted that they cannot see beyond the next Daily Mail (et al) headline depicting ALL Welfare Benefit claimants as some sort of human sub-species not fit to breathe the same air as the chattering middle classes!

However, if I was a single "mother" with a handful of children spawned by different "fathers" I would be loaded!

Go figure.

Irony.

My financial predicament combined with my chronic ill health is truly a vicious circle.

I do not have the strength to fight any more at the moment.

I am not well.

I need to ask for help but I am afraid that if I do it will fall short of what I need.

I need to be rescued.

I wish there was a rehabilitation retreat for those of us with fucked up thyroids who have reached the end of their tether.

I picture a simple place by the beach where it's a short drive into a small coastal town. And best of all there will be a Doctors Surgery containing the kind of doctors we all deserve.

Good company, great food, inspiring workshops, glorious music, writing, and books. Long long walks when I'm up to it. A place where winter is as beautiful as summer.

Dreamy.

Me? A romantic?

Why of course!

Perhaps I should set up a place like this.... it's an idea for when I get well.

I could run my operation for improved diagnosis and treatment of thyroid disease by "health professionals" from there.

I will give my life to taking on the big pharmaceuticals and changing government policies. My analytical and organisational skills will be best served in that direction.

Anyway, we already have "angels" who selflessly give their lives to patient advocacy. There are many advocates out there, but the one that fate would happen to lead me to was Mary J. Shomon, my very own "silver lining", who it is an honour to call my friend.

Don't I go on?!

Anyway, to be financially viable (grown up words!) it would have to be in the US. Would they have me? How will I get in?

Where is the most beautiful place to live, on the coast, in the US, where you get to experience all four seasons? North California (San Francisco)? Virginia? Long Island? Rhode Island? New Hampshire?

Build it and they will come....

I would love to "go away" to a place like this for as long as necessary to get the help and treatment I need....

"HypoMan, a man barely alive.
Ladies and gentlemen, we can rebuild him.
We have the technology.
We have the capability to build the world's first bionic man.
HypoMan will be that man.
Better than he was before.
Better.... stronger.... faster." - The Six Million Dollar Man.

That was the 1970's. Why six? What price now?

That's my dream anyway.

*slaps face.... hard*

Back to reality!

I hope, in time, I will be able to make progress. It is just that I am faced with a huge adjustment to make and I am not sure how it is going to pan out.

It will take time.

Will you give me time?

It will take patience.

I have the patience of a saint.

I need to provide my Doctor with a "dossier" to support my argument for a trial of Natural Dessicated Thyroid (NDT).

I have researched and located freely available evidence published on the Internet by the NHS that documents that the NHS issued 1,700 prescriptions for Armour in 2010. FACT.

I have many other documents bookmarked on my laptop.

I have no printer and my laptop is doing a better job than me of stringing out it's death throes. Worse still at my Mum's I will have NO access to the Internet. I do not have a fancy "smart" phone, as the name suggests; not at all suitable for me!

I do not expect to be prescribed Armour even when I provide my "dossier", and it is this pessimism that is preventing me from going to see my Doctor. Procrastination I think it's called, right Katie?

I detest confrontation. "Thyroid Me" is a coward and not assertive.

I am afraid what my response will be to yet another rejection in the face of compelling evidence.

I can't even begin to imagine what would happen if Armour did not work for me and I requested another brand of NDT.... or whisper it.... the subject of adrenal exhaustion/fatigue.

I am full of anger.

Am I going mad? As that is surely what the NHS would have me believe.

I am full of frustration.

I am lashing out at "society".... when will I learn.... it is unproductive and ultimately futile.

I am full of self-pity.... have you noticed?

Quite a catch!

Moving back home is going to be miserable. I love my Mum dearly, but me and my Brother do not get on.

Back to my small childhood home, a place where there is no escaping each other, and where it is what is not said that is deafening.

Like I say; welcome to hell!

Try to be positive....

I hope to be able to save enough money over the next few years to see a private Doctor and if need be pay for the necessary blood tests (Reverse T3) and medication (NDT).

Am I living in denial?

I cling to the hope that I can lead a "normal" life in the future. By that I mean a job, a relationship, children, a home, a social life, a holiday....

Is this unrealistic?

Am I asking too much?

How have I become brainwashed into desiring, no, lusting after, the consumerist dream outlined in the glossy magazines and every fucking advert you see?!

It will not make me happy!

So why am I finding it so hard to let go?

What is it that I fear?

So many questions, so little time already!

All I do know is that for the foreseeable future I'm going to be off the reservation. I will try to keep in touch. I just do not know how things are going to work out.

I am thinking of keeping a journal/diary.... just snippets of me.... if I achieve this I will try to type them up and post them when I can.

No promises.

It is now that I would like to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for being here for me (and if there is a philanthropist amongst you don't be shy *winks*). You are all my comfort blanket, whether you read this blog, follow me on twitter or facebook, I am indeed a rich man to have you all in my life. I will never forget. Thank you for sharing in my story. I have kept, and treasure, all your comments. You have taught me so much. Thank you.

Don't hold back, feel the love.

"I am just going outside and may be some time" - Oates to Scott.

Wish me luck.

Remember, for as long as we have hope we have a chance.

No Surprises....

2011-06-26T23:47:00.004+01:00

You know the drill....

"No Surprises" by Radiohead seems to encapsulate this blog post you lucky people!

A heart that's full up like a landfill
A job that slowly kills you
Bruises that won't heal

You look so tired and unhappy
Bring down the government
They don't, they don't speak for us
I'll take a quiet life
A handshake of carbon monoxide

No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises
Silent, silent

This is my final fit, my final bellyache with

No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises please

Such a pretty house, such a pretty garden

No alarms and no surprises (let me out of here)
No alarms and no surprises (let me out of here)
No alarms and no surprises please (let me out of here)

This blog post is a continuation from the events outlined in my previous post I Should Have Known....

As soon as I got home from seeing the Endocrinologist I made an appointment to see my Doctor.

I wanted to discuss, as a matter of urgency, the whole Neurologist angle. It transpired that there really were....

No Surprises.

I dove right in and asked about the letter from the Endocrinologist that was sent after my April appointment that had suggested I be referred to a Neurologist.

To which my Doctor replied, verbatim; "we thought we would wait until you next came in to discuss it".

No Surprises.

Anyway, I thought.... we????

What, like the fucking Royal we?!?!

Nevermind, it was obvious that my Doctor did not feel this was urgent enough to interrupt my suffering!

No Surprises.

What followed was another example of, well, you work it out....

My Doctor had already received a letter from the Endocrinologist providing an update from my appointment only two days before.

Fair play Endo., points for being prompt in providing details of your incompetence.

The Endocrinologist now wants to refer me to a Rheumatologist!

A Rheumatologist!!!!.... I shit you not!

Have you heard the one about the Endocrinologist, the Neurologist and the Rheumatologist?

No?

They walk into a Gynaecologist's office.... who says.... "what are you cunts doing here?!"

No?.... Not quite?.... There is a joke in there somewhere, I know it!

Who knows, the Endocrinologist is likely to refer me to a Gynaecologist next! *winks*

No Surprises.

Back to my Doctor's appointment. He said; "well the Endocrinologist doesn't think it's your thyroid".

No shit Sherlock!

No Surprises.

I then proceeded to run through my Endocrinologist's appointment from my point of view.

One area of concern is my high blood pressure. Every time it is taken it is high. My Doctor said that although not ideal it does not require medicating and is not a priority at the moment. I asked if I should be concerned and my Doctor said no.

Every time I go to the hospital a nurse weighs me, and every time I am heavier than before!

No Surprises.

It sucks!.... I am now 135kg!.... don't even go there!

I am confident that when my Hypothyroidism is being treated effectively these two areas of concern will be improved upon with my continued discipline and exercise!

It's the simple things I miss the most.... like being able to exercise without it taking weeks to recover.... after a few years it puts you off even trying.... believe me!

I disgust myself at times!

My line in the sand always used to be.... keep my weight below 100kg.... now?.... don't make me laugh!

The weight gain is SO cruel.... huffing, puffing, sweating.... all the while bloating, retaining(?), constipating....

No Surprises

Did I mention?.... I disgust myself at times!

No Surprises.

With the hors d'oeuvres (as Del Boy would say! *winks*) out of the way I moved in and began my sales pitch for Natural Desiccated Thyroid (NDT).

I struggle to differentiate confidence from arrogance.... I know.... what gives?

Anyway, I nailed the sales pitch for NDT as best I could in the circumstances.... yay!

I hit all my marks....

why a Reverse T3 test would prove if the T3 my body is producing is pooling in it's inactive form in my bloodstream!
how I had been a good boy and done it the NHS way for eight years despite feeling very poorly!
how the Endocrinologist had reneged on an agreement to prescribe NDT if there was no improvement in my symptoms!
how I had informed myself of the facts. And that NDT can be prescribed on the NHS!

I had taken notes with me that detailed where I had obtained my information from regarding prescribing NDT.

I had also included my proposed timetable for the transition from synthetic T4 (levothyroxine) to natural T4/T3 combined therapy (NDT).

My Doctor could see I had brought my A-game with me and was not going to be fobbed of no more!

NO MORE!!!!

A little background for those of you not familiar with the healthcare system in the UK....

Healthcare is provided free at the point of delivery by the NHS (National Health Service) which is funded by the taxpayer.

Private healthcare is available to those who can afford it.

No Surprises.

Currently the purse-strings of my Doctor are controlled by the local PCT (Primary Care Trust).

This arrangement has become known as the post-code lottery. Depending on where you live the medication available to you may differ. This has received widespread media coverage whenever the media feel there has been an injustice. And there have been some truly heart-breaking stories.

This could all change if proposed NHS reforms are implemented and GPs

Anyway, my Doctor asked if I would leave my notes with him, and told me he will write to the PCT to see if they will fund NDT!

This is a result!

A necessary step in the right direction.

I am nothing if not realistic.... so I am not getting my hopes up.

No Surprises.

The ace up my sleeve is the one where my Doctor can still prescribe NDT without funding from the PCT if I am able to pay for the medication. Approximate cost £50 for three months in the first instance and then once a stable dose is reached the cost should be about £25 every three months (because, for example, instead of separate half grain and one grain I can replace them with one and a half grain).

In all the excitement I did not come away with copies of the letters from my Endocrinologist for the April and June appointments but this can be easily rectified.

I have asked for a copy of my Doctors letter to the PCT and their written response.

If at the end of this part of my journey towards improved health I am refused treatment with NDT I want it categorically in writing.

I have noticed that if you keep requesting copies of letters and decisions in writing it makes health professionals uncomfortable.... no bad thing after what I have been through! *winks*

No Surprises.

My Doctor has asked me to give it three weeks for the machinations of bureaucracy to move. The similarities between this situation and my bowels has not gone unnoticed!

No Surprises.

Still no "movement" on a RT3 blood test.... if it becomes necessary I will get this refusal in writing too!

No Surprises.

The disgust I felt after my appointment at the Endocrinologist served to fire up my adrenals.... I think.... as I was able to end up having a productive week!

I am feeling it now though.... a #zombieday has turned into a #zombieweekend.... I've been here before so it holds no fear for me anymore....

No Surprises.

Remember.... for as long as we have hope we have a chance.

nb. I have re-read this post again the morning after the night before. I can tell that it was written under the influence of brain-fog. Can you? I will leave it as is, even though I'm not too happy with how it flows.

I Should Have Known....

2011-06-23T12:17:00.003+01:00

Indulge me for a moment please.

And all will become clear....

This is a fantastic song "I Should Have Known" taken from the brand new Foo Fighters album, Wasting Light.

You will be rewarded if you listen to it.... it might even help you get through this blog post *winks*

I should have known,
That it would end this way,
I should have known,
There was no other way,
Didn't hear your warning,
Damn my heart gone deaf.

I should have known,
Look at the shape you're in,
I should have known,
But I dove right in,
One thing is for certain,
As I'm standing here,
I should have known.

Lay your hands in mine,
Heal me one last time,
Though I cannot forgive you yet,
No I cannot forgive you yet,
You leave my heart in debt,

I should have known,
I was inside of you,
I should have known,
There was that side of you,
Came without a warning,
Caught me on a web,
I should have known,
I've been here before,
I should have known,
Don't want it anymore,
One thing is for certain,
I'm still standing here,
I should have known.

Lay your hands in mine,
Feel me one last time,
Though I cannot forgive you yet,
No I cannot forgive you yet,
You leave my heart in debt
No I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt
I should have known

Maybe you was right,
Didn't wanna fight,
I should have known,
Couldn't read the signs,
Couldn't see the light,
I should have known,
Though I cannot forgive you yet,
Though I cannot forgive you yet,
You leave my heart in debt,
No I could not forgive you yet,
No I could not forgive you yet,
You leave my heart in debt,
No I cannot forgive you yet,
No I cannot forgive you yet,
You leave us all in debt,
I should have known.

The beauty in songwriting (and poetry), in my humble opinion, is that it is personal to the individual listener (reader).

For me the same song can touch my heart in so many different ways depending on what I am feeling at that particular moment. It can be profound, throw-away, and everything in between.

Dissecting the lyrics (words) in an academic manner does not "float my boat". I want to feel.

The song's or poem's structure can be examined. But the author is the only one who truly knows what "it" means.

For us mere mortals?

I take from it what I feel.

Don't I go on sometimes *winks*....

Back to the business in hand.

I had an appointment with my Endocrinologist yesterday....

It was an unmitigated disaster!

While the feelings were very raw I fired off a couple of "cunts" in my "tweets"!

I apologise if anyone was offended.

Did it help? Yes and no. My mind was still racing which prevented me from having a decent night's sleep. But I never have a "decent night's sleep" anyway.

All that was left was the satisfaction of swearing.... *makes sign of the cross on chest and looks to the heavens*.... which I am quite partial to at times.... and yes, whisper it.... I would even go so far as to say I enjoy it!

Stop waffling and get on with it!

Right, the match report from yesterday with a little bit of history and context....

Still waffling....

At my previous appointment with my Endocrinologist in April I was told that if there was no improvement in my well-being and that my blood tests were still in the "normal" range I would be prescribed natural desiccated thyroid (NDT).

I Should Have Known.

This was a massive step forward for me in my treatment. I have walked the walk, like a good little boy, the way the National Health Service (NHS) has wanted me to for 8 years. That's right. EIGHT YEARS!!!!

I have played their game.

I Should Have Known.

Taking Levothyroxine (synthetic T4) every day, EVERY DAY!!!! Blood has been taken more times than I care to remember, dosages have been tweaked, and I continue to feel just awful.

I Should Have Known.

The one thing that has remained consistent in all this time?

I have been ignored, and any of my suggestions dismissed, by every health professional I have encountered.

A damning indictment of the NHS today!

I Should Have Known.

I have been made to feel like a second class citizen.

Familiar?

So forgive me but I am beginning to feel a little aggrieved!

I Should Have Known.

So for the two months since my last Endocrinologist's appointment I have continued to feel really quite awful. But I have had the spectre of hope with me that if I can just carry on for a while longer a really big step forward awaits. Not the answer, just a step forward.

I Should Have Known.

If my experience has taught me anything it is to keep my expectations in check. So I shuffled off to see the Endocrinologist....

I Should Have Known.

We started by evaluating the results from the blood taken on Monday after being on 150mcg for ten weeks ("Teva" Levothyroxine)....

TSH 2.8

FT4 18.4

FT3 5.1

No surprises, they we all within "normal" ranges.

I Should Have Known.

What followed was the "normal" back and forth of me asking for a Reverse T3 (RT3) blood test to determine if the T3 hormone is "pooling" in my bloodstream in it's inactive form.

My questioning of what exactly "normal" means seeing as it is so subjective.

My willingness to try adding synthetic T3 to my medication or preferably giving NDT a go for a trial period.

I Should Have Known.

My Endocrinologist responds with the opinion that there is no need to test my RT3 as my FT3 results show that my body is producing and converting T3 just fine.

Also that synthetic T3 is "dangerous" and only used as a last resort..... basically I need to be in a coma!

My blood test results are used to support the argument of my Endocrinologist.... sometimes their accuracy.... status quo.... sometimes their inaccuracy.... T3/NDT....

Contradictions that have NEVER escaped me!

I Should Have Known

He reverted back to stating that NDT is also "inconsistent" and therefore dangerous because of this and that it is not prescribed by the NHS for this reason.

I reply that there are patients who are prescribed NDT by the NHS. His retort; "I see more thyroid patients than you so you are wrong." They all have my deepest sympathies!

I Should Have Known.

You may have missed it amongst my brilliant writing *winks* so let me repeat....

In April I was told that NDT would be prescribed if there was no improvement in my condition.... thereby giving me HOPE!

In June I was told that the NHS do not prescribe NDT yadda yadda yadda.... wrong wrong wrong!

So correct me if I am wrong.... I WAS LIED TO!

To placate me?

To shut me up?

To insult me?

To be so arrogant as to assume to be "better" than me?

NO, NO, NO, and NO!!!!

I Should Have Known.

If you no longer respect someone what do you do?

I bit my tongue, rocked in my chair to control the rage I felt, and managed to walk away....

Another appointment has been scheduled for 6 months time.

I Should Have Known.

You think that was bad well here's is a real doozy.... verbatim....

"I am afraid you have become fixated on T3/natural thyroid which is not the answer."

Fixated. FIXATED.

From my dictionary.... fixation n. preoccupation, obsession. fixated adj. obsessed.

Kudos for a good word. But it is hardly a compliment!

I Should Have Known

But I have to hold my hands up here.... it is true. I have become fixated on NDT.... but not for the reasons imagined by the Endocrinologist.... but because it is the next thing I need to try to get my life back!

To me this is a positive. Not the cowardly insult my Endocrinologist intended.

I Should Have Known.

Let me step back for a moment....

I understand that there are many thousands of members of the "hood" (brothers and sisters.... mainly sisters!) for whom synthetic T4 replacement therapy works just fine and they get their life back

Conversely there are a significant number of us for whom the hard line, inflexible, approach of the professional endocrine community just does not work.

But I am suffering.

We have all suffered. You will get no "point scoring" from me.

This is my life.

We all have a life we deserve to live.

My story.

We all have a story to tell.

I repeat.... I have done it the NHS way for EIGHT YEARS!

And it is not working for ME!

It is time I took a leaf out of Frank Sinatra's songbook and "did it my way".

If only it were that easy!

I Should Have Known.

Right, the last part of my appointment yesterday....

My Endocrinologist told me that the letter to my Doctor after my April appointment suggested that I be referred to a Neurologist.

STOP. REWIND!

Neurologist! What the fuck!!!!

Now, correct me if I am wrong.... again *winks*....

But would you expect your Doctor to ask to see you, or at least inform you, that a specialist had recommended you be referred to a Neurologist!

This tossed.... like confetti into the air.... has resulted in many thoughts and questions that I am still grappling with.

I have made an appointment to see my Doctor on Friday.... should be interesting.

Do I now have an even bigger problem with my Doctor?

I Should Have Known.

So I need to get copies of the letters from my Endocrinologist to my Doctor.

Discuss the Neurologist angle and it's implications.

Ask my Doctor to prescribe NDT as my Endocrinologist refuses to do so. The Endo told me to ask my Doctor for this.... I suspect to keep me chasing my own tail for his pathetic amusement.

We all know it is possible for the NHS to prescribe NDT you just have to find a "caring" health professional!

Why is this so hard?

You know me.... the irony is always intentional! *chuckles*

I Should Have Known.

For as long as we have hope we have a chance.

Ramble On & On....

2011-06-13T19:55:00.004+01:00

You see what happens?!?!

I was not, and I am still not, happy with my previous blog post.

My brain seems to be short-circuiting and I am unable to convey the message I would like in my writing.

Now, having a perfectionist trait makes this difficult for me but I will leave it out there in the interests of the "bigger picture".

My reason for doing so was my need to let you know that I'm still here.... selfish?.... moi?

One day I will wonder what all the fuss was about and be proud that I "let it all hang out".

I'm not there yet so.... *suck it up big boy!*

In the midst of this imagined chaos I have made some progress....

But I didn't feel I could record these events and do them justice.... *get over yourself fat boy!*

Yes, well, easier said than done.

Progress, right....

I managed to make it to an appointment with my Endocrinologist in April (I think) when I was not feeling great at all.

I think this helped in a weird way because it must have been obvious to the Endo that I wasn't on terra firma.... I am a poorly boy.

My endo casually dropped into the conversation; "I can prescribe you Natural Desiccated Thyroid, let's see how your next blood tests are and we'll take it from there."

This contradicted previous statements made to my face, MY FACE.... but I remained "Kool and the Gang"....

The moment has passed but not been forgotten....

Can I carry a grudge?!?!

Anyway....

I need to arrange a blood test this week ahead of my appointment with my Endo next week.

The problem is I am feeling really shit at the moment. But....

This could be a defining moment in my journey to wellness....

I need this.

I want this.

I am hoping NDT will help me feel better day to day.

The Endo better come through on this.

My legendary patience (ennui) will assist me with this I'm sure.

It could be the answer, or, it may be one part of the answer....

But I will know.

I need to know.

I want you to know.

I want you to see the best of me.

You deserve nothing less.

Ramble On....

2011-06-12T04:15:00.000+01:00

Ooops!

Where to start?

I've lost my creativity when it comes to writing/blogging. I've fallen off a cliff.

I hope you will indulge me and allow me to ramble on for a bit until the spark returns.

2011, what gives?

The days have become weeks, that have melted into months, and here we are it is June already!

I have not felt so unwell since the time I was on 200mcg of levothyroxine daily, the years 2003, 2004 & 2005.

It's hard to pinpoint any specific symptoms it is just the whole raft of thyroid shit that goes with being hypothyroid.

It sucks and society does not understand.

But you do.

I want society to acknowledge that my life is difficult and to give me a break.

Meanwhile in the real world this is not going to happen.

The media seem to portray all of us who rely on welfare benefits as having made a "lifestyle choice".

They use examples of abuse/fraud to tarnish us all.

I can't help but begin to feel guilty.

I should not have to feel this way.

No.

I have enough to worry about without being made to feel guilty.

Fuck 'em!

I am not well.

Anyway.

I try to eat my main evening meal with my Mum and my Brother at my childhood home.

Recently (March, April, May) I was not even able to get out of the house to go to Mum's.

The drip drip effect of a poor diet and other things has impacted on my health.

I have been a proper recluse recently and it is a destructive pattern of behaviour for me to fall into.

Part of the puzzle is the impact of Government policy on my life.

They make life so difficult.

It will only get worse due to welfare benefits failing miserably to keep up with the cost of living of essential items like gas, electricity, petrol and food where inflation is soaring.

Broken record.

You would think that the Government would want to help me improve my quality of life.

Not live in poverty as I do now.

I know.

Naive.

Still.

I am a hopeless romantic fool!

So I do what I do best and feel sorry for myself.

Ugly.

My confidence and self esteem are but a memory, like a washed out fading Polaroid.

Elusive.

Things that need to be done become huge obstacles that I believe are insurmountable, but at the same time I know are achievable if only I could have a little improvement in my health.

As I've mentioned before, my health has impacted on areas of my life that are slowly but inexorably deteriorating, while I battle to get a foothold towards a brighter future.

My house is mimicking me and slowly falling apart.

It has seen no investment for more than 11 years now.

Take my kitchen.

I have no cooker/oven, no microwave, my toaster broke earlier this year, leaving me with no way of cooking food.

I have no washing machine.

I do not have the means to replace these items.

It has now reached the point where I have a kettle and a fridge freezer.

Fuck it!

I'm bored of detailing the same old shit!

Nothing changes.

You get the picture.

Some lifestyle choice!

I so desperately want to be the best of me.

Understand?

Accepting limitations....

2011-03-23T12:55:00.003Z

.... we all have them.... some are transient.... others permanent.

I have had to accept one of mine.... which I hope is only temporary....

At this moment in time, March 2011, I am NOT well enough to go to London and watch Elbow in concert even though I have a ticket! This is the tour to promote their sumptuous new record "build a rocket boys!". Even though I want to go SO much that I am incapable of putting it into words. It's emotional. I do not like admitting defeat. I feel like I am letting a dear friend down. I worry that those around me will not understand. I do not like letting people down because I know how much it hurts me!

REWIND! Hang on a minute, did you just say you had a ticket to an Elbow gig?!?!

The story starts with the enlightenment of my senses upon discovering the music of the band Elbow.... who have been playing footsie with my eardrums ever since....

.... I dedicated a blog post to it here.... Giving me the Elbow.... where I professed my new found love.... or was I still in the throes of lust.... for Elbow's music.

A lot has happened since then.

My friend D managed to score a pair of tickets to the Elbow gig at the O2 Arena in London's Docklands.... the Millennium Dome in it's (not so) new guise.... At the time I thought that if I could continue to just make a little bit of progress I would be able to achieve my goal of attending this gig! This is NOT going to happen and I am devastated.

As you've probably guessed from the protracted silence of this blog.... I'm not having a great time of it at the moment.... to be honest, 2011 so far has passed in a blur of brain fog, bowel "inconsistencies", the ever present unrefreshing sleep, bad skin, low mood, frustration and finally acceptance of where I'm at!

I've looked back through the records I keep and it has become increasingly apparent that my current "wobbles" are in part caused by something as simple as different brands of Levothyroxine (synthetic T4). I keep saying how important this is to my Doctor and Pharmacist but they are not LISTENING to me! I get my prescription filled every four weeks and the mix of different brands over the last eight weeks has caused me problems. I know that I am most stable when all the different strengths of tablets I require are all "TEVA" not lucky-fucking-dip! I have been on all "TEVA" for seven days now and things are improving to a point where they are a little easier to cope with in the grand scheme of things.... NOT for one minute to be confused with feeling well!

I think I've stated before that bad days are my good days and really bad days are my bad days.... c'est la vie!

To give my situation an accurate perspective.... there have been bright points.... I feel a part of life again thanks to my friend D who has treated me to two outings to the local cinema.... to see The King's Speech and Paul.... eclectic I know, and both equally brilliant!

My online friends continue to embrace me as I embrace them which is SO refreshing! I am increasingly comfortable with my willingness to tell it "warts 'n' all" as part of my pledge to "keep it real"! This is evident in the extension of my ego to Twitter.... Hello tweeps.... and Facebook.... Hey facebook.... I "tweet" like I've got thousands of "followers".... not 13.... but I like this illusion of grandeur.... it acts as a form of escape for me.... and more importantly I enjoy it!

I got involved in the I Am The Face Of Thyroid Disease.... awareness month campaign and soaked up the momentary notoriety it afforded me from our online thyroid community. I keep saying.... to anyone who will listen.... it feels good to share.... that is why I blog.... I am SO selfless.... ooops.... my halo is slipping....

I have intermittently been enjoying listening to music again.... far more often than in previous years.... reading however, has been more of a struggle.... it's a concentration thing.... and I miss it.... escapism again....

I am now taking 10,000iu of VitaminD3 daily.... the Healthy Origins brand. I can feel the improvements in the background but they are struggling to be heard above the clatter and din of T4 not working.

My diet is always generally good.... but recently I've been SO good.... I get my five a day easily over the course of a week.... I have been drinking at least two litres of water per day for more than twelve years.... as well as tea and coffee.... I snack on fruit and nuts. My "treats", or weaknesses, however you choose to see it are.... a small amount of chocolate.... and a can of Diet Pepsi every day.

Now here's the nub of the matter....

The most significant developments of 2011 are in what I have NOT done.... I have NOT completed.... or even revisited.... the letter I had started to write to my Doctor.... Plan of Action: tentative first steps.... at the end of November 2010. This has to be done in order to get the ball rolling towards wellness!

Do I have to address my adrenals first? By taking synthetic T3 until I achieve Reverse T3 clearance before starting on Natural Desiccated Thyroid (NDT) of which NatureThroid is my preferred choice.

To prove that I have adrenal and T3/Reverse T3 issues I need to convince my Doctor to do the necessary testing and to then pay for the required medication.... my choice.... those of you who are getting to know me can no doubt imagine how much fun I'm having putting obstacles in the way!

To satisfy my extremist personality traits.... I need to get all my ducks in a row

Note to self: REMEMBER.... baby steps!

In my moments of weakness and self loathing I hardly dare believe what so many of you have kindly told me.... that things can.... and will (?).... get SO much better.... I feel overwhelmed with the enormity of it all and come over all tremulous and peculiar!

My finances are still torturous.... I've had a gut full thinking.... ok, obsessing.... every waking fucking minute about them! There is no light at the end of that particular tunnel!

So here I am.... unable to attend the gig of my dreams.... I have to accept my current limitations.... the alternative is to continue to beat myself up over every perceived failing I have.... and let me tell you, I am battered and bruised on the inside.... but my underlying defiance surprises me every single day!

Where are you?

I have been left physically and emotionally drained by this blog post.... even a little teary.... but I will feel better for having shared.... or "confessed".... depending on how you look at it.

I need this now more than ever.... for as long as there is hope we have a chance.... hallelujah!!!!

Hey facebook....

2011-02-25T10:47:00.002Z

facebook: who me?

me: yes you.

I have completed my quest to whore myself out to the social networking community.... I now have a facebook page.... http://www.facebook.com/pages/HypoMan.com.... I have had for a while actually.... but consider this official notice of it's launch....

Why now?.... well I have linked my twitter account to my facebook page so that my tweets appear as posts.... who's a clever boy then?....

It would be amazing if you could support me by "liking" my page.... you can always "hide" the page from your "news feed" if you find the banality of my "tweets" tiresome.... as if!

I'm sure there are people out there who only use facebook.... or only use twitter.... or just prefer the blog experience. I partake in all three.... consider it my purgatory.... and I have always been greedy.... does my delusion know no bounds?.... I now see myself as the James Bond of the online thyroid support community.... obviously not.... exactly.... just what I was thinking!

Check out the ego on me!.... all this new terminology.... listen to me.... how much more up myself can I get?.... plenty.... come on.... you know by now that one thing I love is.... a rhetorical question!

My objective is unflinching, and it is to direct people to this blog.... with the bigger picture being to do my bit to raise the awareness of Hypothyroidism in the public's consciousness.... piece of piss really!

I'm still in the middle of a "wobble" but I'm confident of recovering my equilibrium again soon....

For as long as there is hope we have a chance.

Hello tweeps....

2011-02-24T16:27:00.004Z

Have you noticed?

Can you tell?

It's at the top of the left hand margin of this page....

Despite being in the middle of a "wobble" I am feeling pleased with myself....

1.... I reached a decision to use #twitter as a means of keeping my life story more immediate.

2.... having made this decision I managed to work out all by myself how to connect my #twitter account to my blog in the hope of making my life story more interactive for those who care to follow.

3.... my promise to you.... my blog will always come first.... it is my baby.... and I am enjoying watching it evolve and grow as my knowledge in turn evolves and grows.

Check out the ego on me!

This is a whole new voyage of discovery for me.... the #twittersphere if you like.... #tweets.... #tweeps.... #trending.... and.... #tagging.... which I am getting carried away with already.... or should that be.... ####!!!!

It's a work in progress.... let's see how it goes....

I've tweaked the appearance of my blog too.... obviously!.... this is all part of the evolution of the learning thing. I have discovered.... oh alright.... stumbled upon.... other blogs that look so cool.... to me anyway.... that I am now experiencing what can only be described as.... penis.... ooops.... blog envy!!!!

Seriously. There are some pretty cool blogs out there.... power to the bloggers amongst you! It has changed my life.... sharing.... and because you are here!

Hope....

AWOL....

2011-02-17T13:00:00.006Z

Absent With Out Leave....

I'm sorry for the silence.... it has been more than two weeks since my last confession!

I'm in a funk due to my old adversary.... constipation!

Can my energy levels get any lower?

I have that horrible bloated feeling.... so I am uncomfortable and grumpy!

My bowels are moving each day.... hurrah!

I have increased my MOVICOL intake from one to two sachets per day.

Looking back through my copious notes.... the last time I changed to my current T4 dose of 137.5mcg I experienced a prolonged period of bowel discomfort.... oh, the joy!

Those fortunates whose digestive transit is a model of efficiency.... oh, the joy!

I'm trying to keep a lid on my renowned sarcasm which can so easily slide into self-pity!

In the background there is genuine good news.... I am holding on to the gains made since starting on VitaminD3!

So when I can say "good riddance" to this period of discomfort I will be ahead of the game!

When I am in one of these "funks" my creative juices dry up and my general enthusiasm for life "goes for a burton"!

Do not fear.... these feelings will pass.... well I bloody well hope so.... no, they will!

I know what I need to do to make long term gains in my personal health and future quality of life.... but I am still learning to surrender to "episodes" like the one I am currently experiencing.... and accept them for what they are.... a "time-out"....

It's no good getting frustrated as this comes hand in hand with negative feelings resulting in the perfectionist part of my personality putting pressure on little ol' me....

At times like these I'm going nowhere fast!

In the immortal words of Liam Gallagher and Oasis'; I'm Outta Time.... you gotta keep on keepin' on....

I hope you enjoyed that offering.... and in the spirit of doing my talking through songs here's Bon Jovi's; Keep The Faith....

I still have faith in myself to make 2011 my year!

For as long as there is hope we have a chance.... yadda yadda....

Back on point....

2011-02-02T13:29:00.001Z

Enough of the frothy, "I'm a real person", self-indulgence.... for now!

Time to get back on point.... back on message if you will.... a subject close to my heart.... not literally, at least I hope not!.... my bowels, or more pertinently.... constipation!

How best to describe how I have been feeling?

I thought about Quasimodo; "the bowels, the bowels".... no, not feeling it, then....

Sherlock Holmes; "it's constipation my dear Watson".... but settled for....

Something more expansive.... indulge me.... from Edgar Allan Poe (Wikipedia page) and verses 3 and 4 of the poem The Bells....

III

Hear my loud alarum bowels-
Brazen bowels!
What a tale of terror, now, their turbulency tells!
In the startled ear of night
How they scream out their affright!
Too much horrified to speak,
They can only shriek, shriek,
Out of tune,
In a clamorous appealing to the mercy of the fire,
In a mad expostulation with the deaf and frantic fire,
Leaping, higher, higher, higher,
With a desperate desire,
And a resolute endeavour,
Now- now to shit or never,
By the side of the pale-faced moon,
Oh, my bowels, bowels, bowels!
What a tale their terror tells
Of Despair!
How they clang, and clash, and roar!
What a horror they out-pour
On the bosom of the palpitating air!
Yet the ear it fully knows,
By the twanging
And the clanging,
How the danger ebbs and flows;
Yet the ear distinctly tells,
In the jangling
And the wrangling,
How the danger stinks and swells,
By the stinking or the swelling in the anger of my bowels-
Of my bowels,
Of my bowels, bowels, bowels, bowels,
Bowels, bowels, bowels-
In the clamour and clangour of my bowels!

IV

Hear the tolling of my bowels-
Iron bowels!
What a world of solemn their monody compels!
In the silence of the night,
How we shiver with affright
At the melancholy menace of their tone!
For every sound that floats,
From the rust within their throats
Is a groan.
And the people- ah, the people-
That they dwell up in the steeple,
All alone,
And who tolling, tolling, tolling,
In that muffled monotone,
Feel a glory in so rolling
On the human heart a stone-
They are neither man nor woman-
They are neither brute nor human-
They are Ghouls:
And their king it is who tolls;
And he rolls, rolls, rolls,
Rolls
A paean from my bowels!
And his merry bosom swells
With the paean of my bowels!
And he dances, and he yells;
Keeping time, time, time,
In a sort of Runic rhyme,
To the paean of my bowels,
Of my bowels-
Keeping time, time, time,
In a sort of Runic rhyme,
To the throbbing of my bowels,
Of my bowels, bowels, bowels-
To the sobbing of my bowels;
Keeping time, time, time,
As he knells, knells, knells,
In a happy Runic rhyme,
To the rolling of my bowels,
Of my bowels, bowels, bowels-
To the tolling of my bowels,
Of my bowels, bowels, bowels, bowels-
Bowels, bowels, bowels,
To the moaning and groaning of my bowels.

I enjoyed that!

If I was so inclined I could keep a blog on the subject of my bowels, and their habits, alone.... but I will spare you that level of detail!

I remember recently in the media it was stated that the subject we are least likely to want to discuss with our doctor is our.... whisper it.... bowels.... me?.... I don't have a problem with it.... life's too short.... I always speak a load of shit anyway!

This is what I will share....

I am learning that three to four weeks after every change to the dosage of my T4 I experience an acute period of constipation.... now this, as anyone who has experienced it, has the uncanny ability of putting one in a real funk!

I feel, among other things.... listless, lethargic, bloated, uncomfortable.... added to the day to day grind of life with Hypothyroidism.... it's nothing short of joyous!

Suffice to say I now have a dreamy, some might say angelic, smile on my face.... and a spring in my step.... phew!

That reminds me, as I rush headlong toward my fortieth birthday.... do not pass go.... do not collect £200.... instead you are entitled to a prostate exam!!!!

That's going to be a good old-fashioned "Mexican standoff" (Wikipedia page) with my Doctor.... happy days.... do I get jelly and ice-cream I wonder?.... it could be the clincher.... NOT clencher!

And on that note....

For as long as there is hope we have a chance.

Giving me the Elbow....

2011-01-30T20:51:00.006Z

Elbow are a band. A band gifted to me by a friend a couple of weeks ago.

Forgive me if I'm repeating myself, but before everything went tits up at the beginning of 2000, I would have considered myself to be a fan of music. I had a healthy collection and I knew what I liked.

I still know what I like but my collection is a bit under the weather.

Now my friend, I reconnected with on the back of a rather grandiose gesture on facebook. At the beginning of 2010 I declared that I would try to make more of an effort in reconnecting with old friends and to form some sort of social life.

A few friends accepted the olive branch, but it continues to be a slow process, I have been off the radar for more than twelve years now! One thing with this illness is that time has lost it's sense of meaning to me. Twelve years have been and gone, but so little of note has occurred, that it only feels like a couple. But for all of my social group whose journey through life has continued at a "normal" pace twelve years is quite simply that, twelve years! A long time and their lives have moved on.

Like I say, I'm well and truly off of their collective radars!

With a depressive illness like mine I've learnt that things that used to bring me joy failed to have meaning. Very sad. The most precious things to me where joy could no longer be found were listening to music and reading. Cruel.

Slowly during 2010 things started to pick up. Friendships have been reformed and new one's ventured into. I began to read and listen to music again. Reading I still struggle with as my memory is far from being back to anywhere like it used to be! But music can be felt with immediacy as well as leaving a lifelong mark.

This is what has happened with my discovery of the band Elbow, by way of a compilation cd lent to me by my friend. The moment I put it on something altered inside of me, and I knew this music would be a part of my life for ever more. A very special feeling that, beautiful!

For those of you who like a more complete picture, flesh on the bones if you like, please follow the link to the Wikipedia (my new memory!) page for Elbow....

Elbow (Wikipedia page)

From their discography you can see that their first studio album.... Asleep In The Back (Wikipedia page) was released in May 2001, at this time I was in the throes of my nervous breakdown! That's my excuse for them slipping through the net the first time, and I'm sticking with it!

I first became aware of them in my subconscious on the back of their fourth studio album.... The Seldom Seen Kid (Wikipedia page) was released in March 2008. At this time I was beginning the long and arduous journey towards understanding Hypothyroidism, and it's own peculiar impact on my life. They garnered quite a bit of media interest on the back of this release and it's easy to understand why! It culminated in them winning the 2008 Mercury Music Prize (Wikipedia page) a prestigious award. And on the evidence available to me, richly deserved!

I want to hear what they are all about!.... I hear you cry!.... or is it my imagination?

Well as you know, this is the tricky bit, trying to insert YouTube video clips in the interest of a more satisfying blog experience.... I'm just too good to be true.... can't take my eyes off of you.....

Blogger and YouTube need to pull their collective fingers out on this! Those with more accomplished IT skills than me must find the whole thing infuriating.... although I suppose they can design their own websites!.... if only.... I make do with hissy fits.... which I'm good at.... and swearing out loud.... and I'm world class at that!!!!

My first offering to you is the song Grounds For Divorce (a live recording made at the world famous Abbey Road Studios.... of Beatles fame no less!), which just keeps getting better and better each time I hear it!

Next up is the heartwarming and just incredibly uplifting One Day Like This (also from the Abbey Road Studio session).... I dare you not to have a smile on your face after listening to this.... and smiles from me are hard won let me tell you!

This next song Mirrorball is an audio track from YouTube.... hypnotic is the word I'm looking for....

This last track.... I wouldn't want to be accused of overkill now would I?!?!.... Lippy Kids, is an exclusive live performance of the song from the forthcoming album Build A Rocket Boys, released in the UK on 7th March.... treat yourself, because I know I will, and lets enjoy the experience together.... here's a taste.... it's awesome!

Everything I need from a great group of artists.... and there is no doubt that's what they are.... comes together with Elbow. It's hard to find the words to do them justice but the lyricism really strikes a chord with me as do the melodies and overall sound of a group of artists at the top of their game. Three of the four songs included above are live studio recordings that drip with emotion....

I feel very privileged to have been introduced to them properly by my friend this past couple of weeks.... I get it.... and that makes me feel real good!

If you enjoyed this offering it was my pleasure, and I hope you buy the records.... mine are on their way to me as I write.... I had to raid the coin jar to pay for them.... but I can't for the life of me think of anything that provides such fantastic value for money as this music! It feels naughty to only be paying just over £4 for each album on cd from Amazon.... there's something not right there.... but beggars can't be choosers so I am grateful....

If this was not your cup of tea, I'm sorry. That is the beautiful thing about all art mediums.... beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and today I hold it.... but what a boring world we would live in if we all had the same taste!.... I'd be fucked for sure!!!!

I'm not one of these.... oh, that's shit that is, don't know how you can listen to that shit!.... just the tip of the iceberg known as narrow mindedness.... the curse of mankind....

I like many types of art.... equally, there is so much more that I don't get.... or that just doesn't do it for me.... for no rhyme or reason.... whaddya gonna do.... c'est la vie....

Now for the irony.... come on!.... you know I like my irony.... Elbow are playing a small, intimate, warm up gig for their forthcoming UK Arena Tour on the back of Build A Rocket Boys release.... at The Junction in Cambridge.... less than 1,000 capacity.... just down the road from me!

I haven't been to a gig in SO long.... and this is happening soon.... on my doorstep.... that it's no surprise that it's sold out!.... the tickets went on sale the 20th January.... the gig is on the 2nd March.... shit happens!!!!

I can only imagine how good it would be. And what a great fillip it could have been.... I really enjoyed my first trip out to the movies, in more than 12 years, to see The King's Speech.... with the same friend who put me onto Elbow!

What greater way could there be for me to repay his generosity of spirit than to say.... guess what mate, I managed to score a pair of tickets to that Elbow gig.... I love music.... he LOVES music.... don't worry I've thanked him many times already.... so many times in fact that he is no doubt worrying about my state of mind!

There.... I've done it!.... a post that is about more than my battle with Hypothyroidism.... it has felt good to share with you, and put this type of post in the rotation.... a more upbeat, positive vibe that reflects the fact that I'm holding on to the gains made since introducing VitaminD3....

At long last.... and not a moment too soon.... I now know my arse from my Elbow!.... boom, boom!

For as long as there is hope we have a chance....

A piece of the jigsaw....

2011-01-28T14:27:00.007Z

.... yes, it's definitely a piece..... I'm sure of it now.... which piece I don't know.... I guess that's why it's called a jigsaw puzzle....

The analogy's.... not the word I'm looking for.... but anyway, they are endless.... watch me run with it....

I hoping it's a piece to a child's jigsaw puzzle.... made out of wood.... you know the sort, with about a dozen pieces!

Being a glass half empty kind of guy I'm expecting it to be a piece from one of those arty type jigsaws.... of 10,000 pieces.... for crying out loud!.... probably a picture of clouds in the sky or something.... you know, very near impossible to complete!

In all honesty.... it's much more likely to be closer to the child's version.... otherwise what hope (that word hope again!) is there of ever completing it?!?!

Get to the point!.... ok, ok!.... you've probably guessed by know.... the piece of the jigsaw puzzle I'm referring to is.... VitaminD3.... nothing more, nothing less!

INCREDIBLE!!!!

For me anyway!

Here's another shameless plug for the VitaminD3 supplement I'm taking.... available worldwide....

http://www.vitabiotics.com/Ultra-D3/

I'm guilty of nothing more than wanting to share the love....

It's now been 3 weeks since I started this new regime.... and although the initial euphoria has settled down.... there is no denying progress has been made!

HALLELUJAH!!!!

Hallelujah is in fact an incredible song, written by Leonard Cohen.... However, my favourite version is by Jeff Buckley.... which I will share with you now.... because I'm good like that....

Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah (Leonard Cohen)

All in the interests of making this blog a more interactive experience.... and having mastered (careful!) the art of including video clips.... yay!.... did you enjoy that?

I TRIED TO VIEW THE VIDEO CLIP BUT IT WILL NOT LOAD BECAUSE OF SOME "VEVO" BULLSHIT.... SORRY ABOUT THAT.... PLEASE JUST USE THE LINK INSTEAD.... I TEMPTED FATE AND PAID THE PRICE.... WILL I EVER LEARN?!?!

Anyway, back to the VitaminD3, I'm contemplating increasing my dosage from the current level of two tablets (2,000iu) to three tablets (3,000iu.... d'oh!). I have been taking these after my breakfast each day as I read that they are absorbed better with fats in the stomach.... the milk with my cereal.... Rice Krispies at the moment if you must know!

Longer term I anticipate taking four tablets (you do the math!) or even five, during the winter months, and three tablets per day the rest of the time. We'll see next winter....

One of the best things during the past three weeks is settling into a comfortable daily pattern.... up at six or seven, bed at ten or eleven.... this is a luxury for me and long may it continue.... this has always been one of the greatest stumbling blocks for me.... I can't tell you (well I've tried!) how much this affects my general mood. So a regular daily pattern is a big deal for me.

I am still, and will always be, eternally grateful for all the positive feedback I've received since "the video".... is this to be my legacy?.... I like to freshen things up a little.... not the celebrity way for me.... sex tapes are SO last year!!!! hehe....

Another benefit these past few weeks has been the reawakening of my love for music and reading.... which I'll share more in future posts.... I know, I keep promising, but I will get there. When I'm in a funk the last thing I want to do is listen to music.... let alone have the concentration levels required to read a book.

The only people not happy with this progress are my neighbours!.... I've been a bit too enthusiastic with the volume.... but I've adjusted the levels to be neighbourly.

I'll post again soon..... keep the hope alive....

A nod to DearThyroid....

2011-01-22T09:11:00.001Z

I'm sure I'm preaching to the converted.... but.... the DearThyroid website is a fantastic patient resource for everything "Thyroid"!

If you are not familiar with it.... I cannot recommend it highly enough.... I helps me get through dark days and on good days I am sometimes inspired to contribute....

I've covered this territory before in my post..... DearThyroid; my letter.... please check it out.... it is all part of the awareness theme....

I have got caught up in the emotion of this weeks developments and have compiled my own acrostic poem.... a regular feature on DearThyroid....

H.... happiness and
Y.... yearning with
P.... persistence and
O.... optimism.
M.... mesmerize with
A.... awareness and
N.... nurture.

I'm no poet.... but I enjoy the process.

For as long as there is hope we have a chance.

Word of the day.... plebeian....

2011-01-19T10:51:00.001Z

plebeian [pleb-ee-an] adj. 1. of the lower social classes. 2. vulgar or rough -n. 3. (also (offens.) pleb) member of the lower social classes.

See also.... It's official.... I am a cretin!

So, by my reckoning, that makes me either.... a plebeian cretin..... or a cretinous pleb!.... I don't suppose it makes much difference.... but I prefer the latter!

I Am The Face Of Thyroid Disease....

2011-01-19T10:08:00.005Z

.... well one of many actually.... and here's my video clip....

In the spirit of honesty and transparency I will explain how it came to be....

Mary Shomon asked if I would be interested in producing a short video clip for an upcoming awareness campaign IAmTheFaceOfThyroidDisease.

The problem I have is no sound recording capability on my laptop or webcam since the accident I had and recorded in the post; Ooops, I had an accident.....

Not to mention stage fright!

That set me to thinking.... yes, it always hurts!.... and from some dark recess of my wondrous mind I remembered a Bob Dylan video (Subterranean Homesick Blues) where he displayed some of the lyrics on placards....

So I had a plan.

I sent the clip to Mary..... and give credit where it's due.... Mary added the beautiful soundtrack.... inspired by the movie Love, Actually.... which became Thyroid, Actually!

We ended up with what I think is an effective video clip.... I hope you'll agree.... there is something about having to read "subtitles" that really makes you "listen".... if that makes sense?

Since being posted on the IAmTheFaceOfThyroidDisease website and numerous facebook pages and YouTube I have had an amazing response.... overwhelming, yes.... but amazing in a positive way!

My heartfelt thanks to every single one of you who has "viewed", "commented", "liked", or discovered that I exist.... I think that's called awareness people!.... and that is what it's all about....

Remember, for as long as there is hope, we have a chance!

....and breathe....

2011-01-15T09:27:00.008Z

.... what an awful, awful, horrid past month or so....

I have been in a right funk!

Those regular followers amongst you will be familiar with my propensity for self deprecating humour.... with a dash of self pity thrown in! Well, the humour "went for a burton" and the self pity turned into something resembling self loathing.... it was ugly!

But with the new year.... and not just any new year.... but my beloved 2011 upon us.... I seem to have turned a corner.

Let me explain.

I have had a very productive week by my standards....

Monday; I managed to drag my sorry arse to see my Doctor to report that I have been really struggling of late. Looking back, there has been a gradual deterioration since my dose of synthetic T4 was reduced from 137.5mcg to 125mcg.

My Doctor listened (shock, horror!) and agreed with my reasoning (shock, horror!) and proposed that I start back on 137.5mcg with immediate effect. Which I have done.

I even ventured so far as to stick my head above the parapet and mention "the letter" I am preparing and my reasons for doing so. I stated that one thing near the top of my list of things to do was to get my testosterone checked.

To my amazement I was told to come back the next morning and have blood samples taken for my thyroid and testosterone!.... knock me down with a feather....

So Monday was a good day.

Tuesday; had blood samples taken.... the nurse even hit a vein first time.... not often the case with my notoriously "shy" veins!

My recently ordered vitamin D3 supplement also arrived.... thanks for the heads up Mary, mwah!

So Tuesday was a good day too.

Wednesday; I basked in the glory of two productive days and went out to the supermarket.

Thursday; I went to see a friend of mine.... for the first time in ten years.... who is at home recuperating after surgery. Human contact is good.... something that has been sadly lacking from my life.

Friday; I called in to see another friend of mine for a chat and a cuppa. I even managed to roll with the punches and deal with broadband and insurance problems without having a complete hissy fit.... I did say complete.... you'd be disappointed in me if I didn't manage to have at least a small hissy fit!.... I didn't let you down.... this time....

I have not heard back from the Doctors regarding my blood tests.... no news is good news right?.... and I really do not want to add Hypogonadism as another string to my Hypo bow! I will call my Doctor's surgery on Monday afternoon just to check.

So. Friday evening I was reflecting on the most productive week in living memory, and trying to solve the riddle!.... WHY?

The only explanation I can come up with is the introduction of Vitamin D3?!?!

I am taking Vitabiotics ultra-D3 optimum strength (2 tablets = 2000iu per day).
http://www.vitabiotics.com/Ultra-D3/

I googled VitaminD3 deficiency and found that many of my underlying symptoms could be attributed to this.

So here I am Saturday morning reflecting some more, and updating you, on what has been an extraordinary week for me!

You know I am a pessimist at heart.... so I am waiting for the crash!.... maybe it won't happen this time.... maybe I have taken a step forward this week.... and maybe this represents permanent progress....

"Definitely Maybe"....

....for those of you interested, Track 5, Columbia, is my fave.... a place in time for me.... and one of my top10 albums of all time!

Do we need to have an intimate understanding of darkness to fully appreciate the light?

My hope has been renewed.... yet again.... I just need to learn where to look.... so here we go....

For as long as there is hope we have a chance!

What if this is as good as it gets?....

2011-01-10T04:53:00.001Z

Happy New Year!!!!

Here's to us all making progress along life's road in 2011. There'll be bumps along the way.... but we're used to that, right?

I've been building up 2011 in my mind.... and on here.... as MY year!

And guess what?.... I've found it all a little bit overwhelming.... fucking adrenals(?)!!!!

T3; a soliloquy for 2011....

2010-12-22T23:33:00.003Z

T3 or not T3 - that is the question;
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And, by opposing, to end them. To die, to sleep
No more - and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to - 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep
To sleep, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For whou would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th' oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th' unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we not know of?
Thus conscience doth make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cat of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action - Soft you now!
The fair Orphelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remembered.

William Shakespeare's Hamlet.

Do not think for a second that if I could have done better I would have done so....

For as long as there is hope we have a chance.

Christmas Playlist 2010

2010-12-16T11:59:00.002Z

I am still fogbound!

I really do not want to talk about Hypothyroidism at the moment.... hurrah, I hear you cry!

As previously stated in my post.... Autumn/Winter & The Holidays .... this is not my favourite time of the year since Hypothyroidism gatecrashed the party!

Nevertheless.... I have much to be thankful for at this time.... you, who read my blog.... as followers.... or from the shadows.... give me the strength to persevere.... and I'll dare to whisper it again.... 2011 could be my year.... thank you.

Anyway.... I love music.... so by way of thanks I would like to share a Christmas themed playlist with you that reflects my taste in music.... suggested and inspired by my beloved Mary Shomon.... I hope you can find a couple of tunes that you enjoy (and that all the links work!).

Here goes....

1. The Pogues - Fairytale Of New York

2. Chris Rea - Driving Home For Christmas

3. Keith Richards - Run Rudolph Run

4. The White Stripes - Candy Cane Children

5. The Black Crowes - Back Door Santa

6. Coldplay - Christmas Lights

7. The Rolling Stones - Winter

8. Kate Bush - December Will Be Magic Again

9. Wham - Last Christmas

10. Band Aid - Do They Know It's Christmas

11. Paul McCartney & Wings - Wonderful Christmas Time

12. John Lennon - Happy Xmas (War Is Over)

Bonus Tracks....

13. U2 - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

14. Pearl Jam - Santa God

15. U2 - I Believe In Father Christmas

16. Pearl Jam - Let Me Sleep (It's Christmas Time)

17. Jona Lewie - Stop The Cavalry

I hope there was something there for everyone.

For as long as we have hope we have a chance....

Season's Greetings.

Fogbound....

2010-12-07T13:53:00.004Z

.... and it sucks!!!!

Just when I thought I could see redemption on the horizon, fog has descended thicker than I can remember for a long time.

My good natured humour has deserted me.... only to be replaced by my dear old friend.... self-pity!

With a generous helping of sarcasm and cynicism thrown in!.... it really is a heady brew!.... mulled wine?.... go fuck yourself!

Happy days indeed!

I am a recluse!.... yet even me.... I'm sick of myself.... it is just as well I don't count.... c'est la vie!

Anyway, where am I?

I am about halfway through writing my letter to my Doctor.... plan of action 2011 ....and it has been this way for a few days now.... but as soon as there is improvement I will complete it.... and share it with you.

I have taken my temperature every morning, before getting out of bed, for ten days.... as advised.... what for?.... as yet I do not have a clue.... but whatever, it is done!

I have received comments and would like to comment on these and a couple of blogs that I follow.... I am not able to prepare a coherent response at the moment....

So all in all taking into account the fact that this time of year is my nemesis.... Autumn/Winter & The Holidays....

.... I'm hardly a bundle of laughs.... it's just so foggy in here!!!!

Remember.... for as long as we have hope we have a chance.... bite me!!!!

Plan of Action: tentative first steps....

2010-11-27T22:45:00.002Z

.... I hardly dare say it.... towards a plan of action.

So here it is!.... I have mentioned it enough already!.... phase one of my plan of action.... preparing the ground before writing to my Doctor.

This plan has formulated in my mind thanks to comments received through this blog, and acquired knowledge.

Detailed below is the letter I submitted to TPA-UK (Thyroid Patient Advocacy). It has been included on the TPA-UK Yahoo Group forum.

My name is Robert and I have Hypothyroidism. Please help me with a plan of action for 2011.

First of all I would like to say a big thank you for all the work you do for those of us suffering with Hypothyroidism. It is incredible the work you and your colleagues do at TPA-UK.

I contacted you by email at the end of July for some initial advice. I have joined the TPA-UK forum in Yahoo Groups and subscribed to the automated email digest. There is so much information out there and I look at every digest received. As yet I do not have the confidence to contribute to the forum, in time I hope this will change and I can play a more active role in the TPA-UK community.

You mentioned that you had read my blog, I hope you find it “enjoyable” and will continue to follow my story. Since that first email I have finished documenting my treatment to date and continue to update the blog with day to day details of my struggle to get well. I have received too many comments to my blog that mention adrenals and T3 for it to be a coincidence.

So I need a plan of action.

I am not well and I struggle to manage the day to day details of my life, let alone exploring treatment options to find the way forward. Despite this, during 2010, I have continued to make slow progress towards formulating a plan of action. This is where I hope you can help me. I need to set out a step by step plan to follow, and not move on to the next step until the current one has been completed. One thing I have managed to retain throughout all of this is my patience so I will have no problem sticking to a strict plan of action. After all if I follow a plan, and it is successful, my general well-being and quality of life will surely improve over the next 12 months.

As you will know from my blog, I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism in 2002, and since that time have been treated with synthetic T4 levothyroxine. I have been on my current dose of 125mcg for 6 weeks now, so I am still in the adjusting phase, it seems to take me forever to adjust to a new dose.

The problem I have is that it would appear my only option for the future is to “go it alone” and self medicate, which really is a last resort! Before doing this I intend to write a detailed letter to my Doctor outlining my findings and my intentions for my future treatment. This will include numerous appendices that I have acquired in my quest for answers, many in fact from the TPA website. I will ask my Doctor to reply, and if the treatment I ask for is not to be given, the reasons for this in writing. I want to have my Doctor on my side more than I seem able to verbalise, but if this is not possible then I really will have no option other than to “go it alone”.

There is a pattern emerging in my quest to get well: a problem that needs to be overcome results in new, seemingly insurmountable, problems being uncovered. The problem created as a consequence of my long-term ill health is that my finances are as poorly as me. I “live” at the mercy of the Welfare Benefits system. There is no way I can afford to pay for medication/tests or to be treated privately. Are there any charities out there that help people like me? I am extremely worried that my quality of life will be determined by my Doctor's reluctance to explore treatment options that are “outside the box”.

I think I have a clear picture in my mind of my treatment options but I am struggling to formulate a concise plan of action. Can you please help me with this. I will be forever thankful if you could advise me what action I need to take and in what order. If I can provide this information to my Doctor then perhaps I will have a chance. I will detail below what I think I need to do.

Have an adrenal function test. I think I have “adrenal insufficiency”.
Have a ReverseT3 blood test to determine if I am converting T4 into T3 efficiently.
Is it possible to determine whether I am allergic to synthetic T4 tablets?

How do I get my Doctor to agree that these tests are absolutely crucial to my future treatment? Then, once the above tests have been completed and the results assessed I can move on to the next step: my treatment options, and which one is right for me.

Treating “adrenal insufficiency” if necessary. I have no idea what this involves.
Treatment with hypo-allergenic synthetic T4 and how to get my Doctor to prescribe this medication, or,
Supplementing my synthetic T4 with synthetic T3. I need to know how to determine the correct dosage of T4 and T3, or,
Treatment with synthetic T3 only. What dosage is required, when to take, and how to get my Doctor to prescribe this medication, or,
Treatment with Natural Desiccated Thyroid (NDT?). What dosage is required and how to get my Doctor to prescribe this medication.
Any other supplements that will help me live with Hypothyroidism.

It's hard to believe I'm sure, but this letter has taken me more than two weeks to write! I am experiencing a prolonged period of “brain fog” whilst my body is adjusting to the new dosage of synthetic T4, lucky me! I hope this letter demonstrates my determination to get better and illustrates the amount of thought I have given to the issue of my health, and is not too muddled!

I am gradually beginning to accept that my life with Hypothyroidism is going to be a lifelong journey with many battles along the way. I have also learnt that my life and health can be so much better than it is now. This is down to the online support community I have encountered. All in all I am further ahead at the end of 2010 than I was at the beginning, this can only be seen as progress, and I am thankful for that!

It is my hope, that with your help, 2011 can be the most significant year to date in my journey through life with Hypothyroidism.

My very best wishes, Robert.

I have already received a reply from my very own "guardian angel" at TPA-UK.... the very next day!.... incredible!.... with great advice and knowledge shared.... this was appreciated so very much.... thank you.

During the next week I hope to prepare a letter for my Doctor.... which I will post on this blog.... hopefully you will be able to follow this process with me.... and continue to be a part of my journey and share in my.... joy.... success.... frustration.... and.... whisper it.... progress towards a better quality of life!

Do I dare to dream?

Bad days, really bad days....

2010-11-22T12:04:00.002Z

.... who's counting?.... that's right.... the one with the extremist personality.... me!

Jesus!.... It's been more than a week since I was last able to post....

The last couple of weeks have been like a constant kick in the balls!

It's still the "brain fog" episode....

I am living up to my billing in that I feel extremely cretinous at the moment.... since discovering the true meaning of the word cretin a few weeks ago it has provided me with much needed laughter.... what this says about my sense of humour is anybody's guess.... perhaps it's steeped in my instincts for self-deprecating humour as a defence mechanism.... you know, poke fun at myself before others do, which started at the same time as the first symptoms of Hypothyroidism began to appear in me as a child.... dramatic weight gain and delayed puberty.... wow!.... I do way too much thinking!!!!.... eureka!!!!

If, like me, you have Hypothyroidism that is not being effectively treated you will be familiar with the following scenario.... you only realise how good the bad days are when you are having a run of really bad days!

At least on bad days I am able to cling onto glimmers of hope.... even if it is false hope.... see my Groundhog Day post....

On really bad days success is measured by the "simple" things.... like getting out of bed.... making sure I drink enough fluids.... and taking my medication.... that is supposed to make this all go away and make me feel human again..... aaaaaaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!

.... oh what folly!

I'm laughing so hard that tears are running down my face.... metaphorically.... the tragedy is they are real.... the ones that I only let you.... my dear dear readers see.

But what have I learnt on this interminable journey?.... that's right.... the really bad days eventually pass to be replaced by the blessing that is bad days.... now bad days I can handle....

When this "brain fog" has lifted I will post about my plan of action.... which is swirling about in the labyrinth of my mind.... when will the fun and frolics ever end?.... what's that?.... never?.... you better believe it!

As a footnote.... I have encountered a few more brave souls who have been courageous enough to share their story, the story that is incredibly personal to them, with those of us in the know.... you know who you are.... and I salute you.

For as long as there is hope we have a chance....

Still feeling cretinous....

2010-11-14T22:37:00.003Z

This ain't gonna be straight forward is it?

My battle with Hypothyroidism that is.

The penny has dropped.

I will be fighting the good fight for whatever time I have left.

The more I look.

The more I find.

Problems to overcome.

I thought it was just a question of patience.

That I would find the right dose for me.

So there was a perception of certainty.

As patience, I have plenty.

The sound of the penny dropping is deafening!

In the midst of this fog my creativity is fragmented.

I only catch glimpses.

But never enough to hold onto.

I follow forums from the shadows.

Not daring to be seen.

Let alone heard.

In this mood the pity is overwhelming.

Not a place to send a postcard from.

It's all I can do to put the kettle on.

But no answers to be found at the bottom of my teacup.

At least it's not a bottle hey!

That really would be a sorry day.

But this is good for me.

This blog you see.

Not from the fog like me.

I need to sleep that deep restful sleep.

But that ain't gonna happen.

On the bright side, I got 99 problems.

But a bitch ain't one!

You having that Jay-Z?

Even you couldn't be me!

The prospect of sleep taunts my days.

Then deserts my nights.

My eyes are glazed.

My brain short circuiting.

This Hypo shit, it's hurting!

If it ain't one thing it's another.

When I'm on it mentally, physically I struggle.

When physically at it.

Mentally I'm with the fairies.

That may sound dreamy.

Permanent day dreaming.

Are you kidding me?

How do I verbalise to society?

That this is my world.

Not a day or two, or even a week.

But my everything.

It is all I can do to tread water.

Plans for progress are left on the back burner.

Haunting me, taunting me.

Come on, let me be.

I am sick of this journey.

I want to arrive at my destination....

The Fog.... of the brain variety....

2010-11-10T13:58:00.005Z

I am just 4 weeks into a change in dosage of my T4 only synthetic thyroxine medication; 125mcg per day down from 137.5mcg per day.

This is the game the Endocrinologist wants me to play.... so until I have the strength and energy to progress my plan of action I will continue to play the game in my usual obedient manner!

I digress.... the reason for this post is to announce to the world that I am now enmeshed in brain fog.... yippee!!!!.... I know that in time it will pass.... but all the same it never fails to be anything less than very frustrating!

So my thought processes, concentration levels and accessing the genius(....lol!) part of my brain, are all restricted..... I know.... you'd never of noticed if I hadn't brought it to your attention!

So I spent a little time Googling for poetry about fog and found the following poem.... which anyone who has experienced The Fog.... of the brain variety.... will be familiar with.... enjoy....

The Fog by Andrew D Robertson

Oh fog! Oh fog!
What do I see?
Nothing! Nothing!
I can't even see me!

Oh fog! Oh fog!
Why are you so mean?
Go away! Go away!
Just let me be me!

Oh fog! Oh fog!
What can I say?
You've painted this morning
A thick shade of grey.

Oh fog! Oh fog!
What can I do?
I'm goin' on home,
But I'll walk with you.

Will you continue to walk with me?

Fat or Skinny?....

2010-11-05T16:51:00.001Z

.... latte.... my mind has been percolating!

A dangerous thing for me to do!?.... Thankfully I'm feeling dangerous today!

The coffee reference was of course a metaphor which I will now explain....

I have been leaning towards a full fat, caffeine loaded, blog post variety, thus far in my journey. This is largely due to my extremist personality! If I am going to post it has to be substantial and all that. Now this worked perfectly whilst I was documenting my story so far.... but that has now been completed and what am I left with?

An appetite for skinny lattes! Fat free, caffeine free, taste free and joyless!.... Do not fear, I aim to buck the trend and still compile pithy blog posts whilst continuing to update you on my progress with my battle with Hypothyroidism.

I have much thinking to do on the Hypothyroidism front.... I am in the process of forming my strategy for battle and if I'm honest the real action is likely to start in 2011.... but I must prepare diligently.... one of my favourite mantras coming right up.... fail to prepare.... prepare to fail!!!!

I have no intention of failing, my friends!.... there will still be updates with details of my preparations.... panic over people.... would I ever desert my post?

For crying out loud Robert!.... spit it out!.... ok.... I hope to update this blog with posts in the future that express more of my personality and observations.... fear not.... believe me.... there is more personality to come!

The fact that I can confront my extremist personality and even poke fun at it is a sign of the progress I have made on this journey.... and I have my adoring public.... that's you!.... to thank for this.... so I say thank you.... tongue firmly in cheek!

I intend to stick by another favourite mantra of mine.... quality, not quantity!.... I'll do my best anyway!

So in keeping with the spirit of brevity.... that's all for now.... adios

It's official....

2010-11-01T13:51:00.003Z

.... wait for it.... I am a.... cretin!

In my dictionary the definition for cretin is thus.... "person afflicted with physical and mental retardation caused by thyroid deficiency".... I did not know that!

Who knew?.... all those times growing up, when my mates and I, we would call each other; cretin, retard, spastic.... and much worse besides.... as a way of taking the piss.... they were actually bang on the money with me!

Please understand this was always done in a light-hearted manner.... can insults ever be light-hearted?.... obviously a rhetorical question..... but back in the 70's that's how we rolled!

Anyway, I'm gonna sing it loud and proud....

I.... AM.... A.... CRETIN!!!!

I know, I know.... tell me something I don't know....

Heartache....

2010-10-26T14:12:00.002+01:00

....one of the many weird and wonderful symptoms of Hypothyroidism has paid me a visit!

Costochondritis no less!.... thanks Mary!

wikipedia.org/wiki/Costochondritis

This is inflammation of the rib cartilage to you and me. And you'll just have to trust me on this.... it is very painful.... and until diagnosis just a little disconcerting. You see, the pain I experience is in the upper left side of my chest.... directly over the heart!

What with me being a worrier and not a warrior I thought a shit-storm was approaching.... it turns out I was just pissing into the wind!

Unpleasant?.... Yes!
A heart attack?.... No!

The nurse at my Doctor's Surgery gave me an ecg.... electrocardiogram.... which was ok, and checked my blood pressure.... which was slightly high, but better than when taken at the hospital a couple of weeks ago.

So to sum up, I have ended up feeling relieved.... but still in intermittent pain.... enough to wake me up during sleep.... which is over-rated! The only course of action is time.... aided by Ibuprofen.... an anti-inflammatory pain relief.

Thinking about it.... there could still be a shit-storm on the horizon.... the report from my appointment with the endocrinologist!.... surely a masterpiece!!!!

Ahhh.... that's better.... equilibrium has been restored.... I do have something to worry about!

When will it end?

Will it ever end?

How will it end?

What is it?....

Trust me, this is funny....

2010-10-20T10:49:00.006+01:00

.... I've just been re-reading the gumph on International Thyroid Awareness Week 2010.... now I hope you're sitting comfortably because I am so embarrassed.... it is not this week but was actually the week from 24th to 30th May 2010.... d'oh!!!!

Let me explain....

I saw on t'internet that it was UK Thyroid Awareness Week and then just got carried away "researching".... oh go on then.... Googling, between you and me!!!!

I made the huge leap of faith and connected the two! Do I feel silly?.... yes, very!!!!

I try to be careful because of "brain fog" but I failed on this occasion.... but still, no excuse!

I hope this illustrates a point.... now work with me here.... I was not aware of any awareness weeks or months to be honest and I've looked into hypothyroidism support quite a bit.... we need to adopt the American Thyroid Awareness Month which is every January, and re-brand it as "World Thyroid Awareness Month" for January 2011.

There is no room for ego in the arena of patient advocacy.... they give themselves to the cause for the greater good.... they are selfless.... and I for one applaud them.

Too many "shop fronts" on the internet are confusing.... especially with the lovely "brain fog".... or if you are new to thyroid "issues".... or if you are simply intellectually challenged like me!.... yes I can laugh at myself!!!!.... so you can too!!!!

The suffering you read about and I myself have experienced really is not funny.... how many millions of people are needlessly suffering?

My journey has been many things.... but it has made me determined to use it for the good of others.... and by association, me.... if I am given the chance.

I we all pull in the same direction and work as a team we can achieve palpable results....

....or maybe I'm just deluded?

International Thyroid Awareness Week 2010....

2010-10-20T10:25:00.000+01:00

This perfectly illustrates the frustration of so many of us with thyroid "issues"!

Did you know this week was International Thyroid Awareness Week?.... No?.... Nor did I!

Well it is!.... Apparently!

Please follow the link.... International Thyroid Awareness Week 2010

Now in my humble opinion it is not perfect.... it is funded by the pharmaceuticals industry.... but as "they" say.... there is no such thing as bad publicity!

Only when public awareness has been achieved can we then take our position within it. Until that day arrives how can I preach that it does not fit with those of us for whom synthetic T4 only treatment does not work!

The pharmaceuticals industry is quite happy for thyroid "issues" to stay on the back burner and only pay lip service to the issue with campaigns such as this.... the status quo is good for them.... the gravy train keeps on running unhindered.

If the pharmaceuticals industry were serious about raising the profile they would make sure the supporting literature to this campaign was available in every doctors surgery up and down the land.

I only stumbled across this campaign because of my obsessiveness.... which is a by product of.... wait for it.... are you ready?.... ok then.... one.... two.... three.... my extremist personality!!!!

Never forget my beloved extremist personality! My coping mechanism for the twenty years I was undiagnosed and the years since diagnosis.

As always please form your own opinions by following the link to the International Thyroid Awareness Week 2010

I concede that for someone new to thyroid "issues" there is much to be positive about. It just doesn't cut it with this particular cynic with an.... extremist.... personality!!!!

Oh, come on! I need a laugh today....

Conspiracy theory....

2010-10-15T16:03:00.003+01:00

....I've had a eureka moment. For those of you who enjoy a good old fashioned conspiracy theory I have a real doozy for you....

It goes by the name of.... protecting the self serving interests of the pharmaceuticals industry....

Let me get the disclaimer in first.... it is not my intention to undermine depression, as you all know I suffered (there is no other word!) a nervous breakdown in the year 2000, amid all the euphoria of the dawn of a new millennium.... don't worry, the irony is not lost on me!

The seeds of this eureka moment were sewn during my digestion of the events surrounding my appointment with the endocrinologist. You see, after a while, he began to sound like a parrot! He kept repeating verbatim; "it is not recommended by the British Thyroid Association (BTA)" as if there was NO other possible road to travel.

Being the smart arse I am I looked at the BTA website http://www.british-thyroid-association.org/ and the penny dropped!

Under the ambiguous tab of "Meeting Sponsorship" http://www.british-thyroid-association.org/Sponsorship/ all became clear! As well as welcoming "corporate membership at the discretion of the BTA committee" ....a nice way of of putting it!.... the following companies are listed....

Genzyme http://www.genzyme.com "one of the world's leading biotechnology companies".
RSR Ltd. http://www.rsrltd.com "a major developer and manufacturer of medical diagnostics with particular emphasis on autoimmune thyroid disease".
Pfizer http://www.pfizer.co.uk "as one of the world's leading pharmaceutical companies, we are at the cutting edge of the research and development of medicines".
Novo Nordisk http://www.novonordisk.co.uk "has the broadest diabetes product portfolio in the industry"

So it is safe to say that the BTA exists thanks to the support it gets from the pharmaceuticals industry.

And the BTA advises endocrinologists on how to treat hypothyroidism.

Excuse my ignorance here a moment but I assumed (dangerous thing to do!) that the all official sounding BTA was some sort of Department of Health backed "quango" not, I repeat, not the puppet of the pharmaceuticals industry.

How could I have been so stupid?.... I have been reborn into the light!.... my customary over-zealous statement for dramatic effect.... but you get the picture this artist is painting!

So of course I should expect the greatest battle of my life to get the treatment I need! D'oh!!!!

I may surprise you here.... I have a certain amount of sympathy for the endocrinologist whose hands are tied by the frontman (BTA) for the multi-national pharmaceuticals industry behemoth! Surely when you pursue a career in medicine it is to help people by using all the resources available to you, including your intellect, and not to become a eunuch to protect the harem of some faceless figure in the shadows.

Maybe I'm just incredibly naive or extremely cynical.... I just do not know anymore....

Is the filthy dollar really that important?.... I'm thinking aloud here.... does it supersede the health of human beings?.... is it more important than the life of a human being?

Yes is the answer it would seem!

But mostly I feel sorry for me!.... us!.... all of us suffering with hypothyroidism.... and even more so those struggling for diagnosis!.... being force fed synthetic T4 and or anti-depressants to line the pockets of.... the pharmaceuticals industry.... their shareholders.... the bankers and hedge fund managers.... the pension fund managers.... until they end up having the nerve to say "do you have a private/occupational pension?.... yes?.... then it is your fault too!".... fuck off!!!!.... how dare you!!!!

I only want my basic human rights to be respected.... is that really too much to ask?

Now, before a hitman is sent to put me out of my misery, I know that the pharmaceuticals industry does great work and performs miracles (there is no other word for it!) every single day!

But faced with the evidence, and thousands of patient testimonies, can we please have some perspective, some give and take.... it is not a sign of weakness to admit that you are not right all of the time.... in fact it is a sign of strength, self-confidence and power!.... that's what I tell myself anyway!

I implore a multi-national pharmaceuticals company to stick their head above the parapet and admit that for some patients combined T4/T3 therapy gets the best results. Also recommend that the physician and the patient must be encouraged to work together as a team without the fear of reproach on the part of the patient.

I am not trying to be difficult.... I just want to be well!.... I am not an animal.... I am a human being!

The results of so much research material are already out there in cyberspace and just because I am able to access it and form my own opinion do not judge me!.... It is so arrogant and disrespectful to do so!.... Is it so unbelievable that I may have the intellectual ability to research and process information and form an educated opinion?

Exactly!

Now, I have said before how much I respect health professionals for the dedication and ability it takes to study and qualify to practice medicine. Please offer me the same courtesy.... respect.... we do not have to agree on everything.... but once all the facts have been considered please allow me one thing.... the freedom of choice.

Treatment must be influenced by results and by not disregarding the particular results you do not like. Many people are happy with their treatment on T4 only, but equally, many are not. Please listen to all voices.

There is room in the treatment of hypothyroidism for all options.... T4 only.... T3 only.... combined synthetic T4/T3.... combined natural T4/T3.... and other treatments I myself am not yet aware of.

A question.... what percentage of people with depression would you expect to have hypothyroidism as the underlying cause?

The first signs I noticed that something was wrong with me were mild depressive feelings in my twenties that I visited my doctor about. I remember thinking.... does everybody find life this difficult.... the getting out of bed.... constantly feeling exhausted.... if only I knew then what I know now!

The first thing I would like a doctor to do when faced with a patient who is clearly depressed, after offering support and expressing sympathy for the awfulness of the situation, is schedule a comprehensive range of blood tests to determine if hypothyroidism is lurking in the wings. If it is not then traditional treatment options will have to be explored.... if hypothyroidism is unmasked then reassure the patient that the most precious thing in their possession.... their life.... will get better.

From my own research and my own experience it is not unfeasible to make the connection between the power of the pharmaceutical industry, their influence, and my struggle to get treatment that is contrary to their guidelines.

Think about how much money is involved in the treatment of mental illness every single year.... pharmaceuticals industry; medication, research and development, marketing.... billions of dollars.... treatment and therapy, public and private.... another bottomless pit.... billions of dollars.... worldwide this could total trillions, every single year!

So even a small shift away to correctly diagnosed hypothyroidism, where the optimal treatment is something other than T4, would represent billions of dollars every year. I'm not expecting it in my lifetime but the figures I give could just be the tip of the iceberg!

How many more lives must be lost to depression and untreated hypothyroidism before the media and the world at large sits up and takes notice? There is a story here.... let's bust it wide open!

Who wants to be a hero? Take it and run with it....

The answer to unlocking this Pandora's Box can be found in a most unlikely ally.... the media!!!!

That's right, the media!!!! In this 24/7/365 21st century world we live in, in the western world (I hate that term!), the media is all powerful.... the media has a huge ego.... the media is king....

I am lucky.... I know what is wrong with me.... many are not so lucky.... all I ask is that I am helped to get better.... and that those poor lost souls awaiting an accurate diagnosis can be freed from purgatory....

I learnt a new swear word today....

2010-10-13T21:23:00.008+01:00

endocrinologist.... easy for you to say!

I have waited more than seven years for this day to arrive.... did it disappoint?.... you know it!

Seriously!.... I think I am in shock!

What am I on about?.... Allow me to explain....

Today I attended my first ever appointment with an endocrinologist at the local hospital. Those of you who follow my musings regularly will realise that travelling the ten miles to the hospital was an achievement in itself!

Despite being a pessimist at heart I left home for the hospital full of optimism as the best case scenario could represent a massive step forward in my quest for a better quality of life. I should have known better!

Everything I have learned about the suffering of other thyroid patients and their experiences with endocrinologists came to fruition in a bizarre, almost comical, caricature. It would have been hilarious if it was not so tragic! I can picture the appointment now, it is still so fresh in my mind, looking down on it as if having an out of body experience!

I have to see the funny side and accept that it is just another hurdle for me to overcome.

I am stunned!

Listed below, using my beloved bullet points, are the results of my appointment;

He refused to even consider treating me with T3, either synthetic or natural. I even offered to sign a letter of consent so that I, and I alone, would be responsible for the outcome of treatment with T3.
He was not aware that a pharmaceutical company in the UK even produced synthetic T3 (Goldshield Pharmaceuticals: Liothyronine Sodium BP 20mcg Tablets).
When I asked about the possibility of natural thyroid treatment I was told this would be a dangerous and unreliable route to take. This is because the pharmaceutical companies who produce it have absolutely no quality control procedures and as a result it contains dangerous impurities and is a unreliable product! I was not aware of this! I am of course being sarcastic! Does it look good on me?
He did not see any value and was not prepared to undertake the blood tests I requested; Total T4, Total T3, Reverse T3 and T3 Resin Uptake (T7). My doctor told me that I would have to request these "fancy" blood tests when I saw the endocrinologist. So that worked out!
He reviewed all of my blood test results (2003-2010), including those when diagnosed, and concluded that although my thyroid is not functioning properly, none of them were far enough outside the reference ranges to cause concern. I shit you not! He told me if it was he who saw me in 2003 he would not even have prescribed T4 as my bloods were not far enough out of range! He does however want me to continue with synthetic T4 treatment, keeping my TSH between 1.0 and 2.0! I'm not sure, and I'll have to check my dictionary, but I think this is called a contradiction!
I've saved the best 'til last. His piece de resistance was to tell me that all of the symptoms I am experiencing have nothing to do with my thyroid or the treatment of my thyroid!!!!

He is going to include in his report to my Doctor that I should go to the gym and exercise more! I have asked him to put in writing the little gems outlined above.... he said it will be in his report and that he'll copy it to me.

Where do I go from here? Seriously, where do I go from here!!??

Who is my Doctor going to believe?.... The endocrinologist?.... Or me?.... There may be trouble ahead....

Every request I made for help today was dismissed out of hand.... I am surprisingly calm about this at the moment.... it has just reinforced my view that it is me against the world.... with the help and support of my secret weapon.... the "Thyroid Patient Community".

If I believe what I have been told today that makes the Patient Advocates I have encountered nothing more than a bunch of deluded narcissists. I respect, trust and believe those same Patient Advocates so it offends me that they have been rubbished today!

My experience with the endocrinologist today contradicts everything I have learned and everything my head and heart is telling me!

The endocrinologist wants to see me again in six months time.... that's something to look forward to!

I really wanted to explore the possibility of supplementing my treatment with synthetic T3 with the blessing of my Doctor, working together as a team, but this now seems increasingly unlikely. Going it alone will be a last resort.... so I have much thinking to do....

Welcome to my world!

Is it any wonder that my glass is always half empty?

Bob says he has had one of his best days ever!!!!

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist....

DearThyroid; my letter....

2010-10-06T22:30:00.002+01:00

DearThyroid is a wonderful website and is a patient led resource for all things thyroid. The DearThyroid brand also supports interactive Facebook pages. I wholeheartedly recommend DearThyroid and suggest you check it out if you have not already;

http://dearthyroid.org/

http://www.facebook.com/dearthyroid

The original premise of the DearThyroid website was for people with a thyroid condition to have somewhere to let off steam and share their experiences with other like-minded people by writing a "DearThyroid" letter without fear of being judged. It has evolved into so much more.

When I first started my blogging odyssey and contacted Mary J. Shomon about my venture she suggested that I may be interested in "sharing" with the DearThyroid community. I am proud to announce that I have written my first DearThyroid letter and that it has been published on their website, see link below;

http://dearthyroid.org/why-hes-hes-hes-hypoman/

I found it to be a profoundly cathartic process which has helped regenerate my desire to get well.

Please feel free to check it out.

I'll be in touch again soon.

Weight on my mind....

2010-09-30T22:52:00.008+01:00

You all know by now that I am a whining whinger! I also hope by now you realise when I'm serious and when I'm trying to be more light-hearted...... so here goes......

Weight gain is an issue for this alpha male as much as it is for the ladies out there...... it really gets on my tits!...... yes, before you ask, I do have rather a nice pair...... if a little hairy...... oh come on! Laugh with me!

To recap...... I am a big boy! 6 feet, 3 inches tall. A 52 inch chest and a 40 inch waist! And I weigh 280+ pounds. I do not know exactly how much I weigh because I have no scales.

Even if Hypothyroidism had not gatecrashed my life I would still be a big boy...... I am of a large build with a barrel chest (thanks Dad!). My dream tale of the tape would be a 46 inch chest with a 36 inch waist and tipping the scales at 210 pounds...... I did say "my dream"!

Getting clothes that fit me...... difficult! Getting clothes that I like that fit me...... damn near impossible!

Now the real reason for this information...... the sizing of clothes!!!!

Is it really too much to expect in the 21st century for clothes manufacturers to work together so that a 2xl is a 2xl and a 3xl is a 3xl and a size 10 shoe is a size 10 shoe!...... Come on!!!!

I feel like Jim Carrey's character in Dumb&Dumber "whoo hoo! We landed on the moon!"

Seriously! We have put man on the moon!!!!

I can pick up a 'phone here in England, hit some numbers on the keypad, and I get to speak to my friends in Australia!!!! Even better...... using Skype I get to have a video call with them...... in real time!!!! If I think about it too much it blows my mind!!!!

It is not rocket science, or brain surgery for that matter...... add your own metaphor here......

I do not give a shit if it would mean I was sized as 5xl so long as clothes that I bought labelled as a 5xl were a 5xl!...... or am I crazy?...... hang on, don't answer that!...... but you get me, right?

The European Parliament spend millions of pounds worrying about things like the shape of cucumbers, funny shaped carrots...... I could go on...... implying that we the consumers are idiots!!!!

"They" do not fool me!!!!

Am I missing something so blatantly obvious that it will take my breath away if it was explained to me? Or, as I suspect, are the people who decide these things at clothing manufacturers a bunch of idiots?

Why do "they" have to make life so difficult? It is perhaps only a small thing...... but surely in the 21st century it is possible to regulate clothes sizing...... "they" keep telling us that the world is a smaller place.

You would think "they" wanted the consumers to be happy to maximise profits......

Will "they" listen? They haven't so far so it is not likely is it?

Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!

Hands up if you want to come and live in my Utopia?...... a place where people listen to you...... and everything makes sense...... to me at least!

Moving on, an observation I have made during my treatment for Hypothyroidism...... two statements, both true, but opposites......

When I am under-treated (Hypo) or was undiagnosed I put on weight. This is because my body's functions have slowed down, I have no energy for life let alone exercise. I seem to go into "starvation" mode and store fat!

When I have been over-medicated (Hyper) I put on weight. This is because my body's functions are all fired up, including my appetite, but I am such a nervous wreck I can not leave the house. I am always hungry and become gluttonous!

Just another of the ironies of living with Hypothyroidism...... this is known as Morton's fork (check it out on Wikipedia!)...... the joke wears thin at times...... so much so there is even irony in that statement!

I am going to mention something that many of us with Hypothyroidism feel......

I eat a fairly healthy diet. Also......
I drink at least two litres of water every day, plus tea and 1 or 2 cans of Diet Coke/Pepsi.
I try to control my caffeine intake and limit it in the evening.
I try to limit processed sugars. Excessive processed sugars equal fat!
I try to limit "bad" fats.
I try to eat good fats regularly.
I try to eat 5 portions of fruit/vegetables each day. I love veg!
I take a supplement containing Omega-3 fish oil plus vitamins D and E.
I snack on walnuts and almonds most days.
I have a sweet tooth and my weakness is chocolate! I have a small amount most days.

If you knew nothing about Hypothyroidism and read this you would expect to see someone of a healthy weight, would you not?

Hence the ridicule we suffer! Health professionals and even family and friends roll their eyes...... or do I imagine this?

It is not enough to feel like shit...... I have to look like shit as well! I find it incredulous that anyone would think I would choose to live this way! I don't like using the word hate...... but here goes...... I hate being fat!!!!

On a positive note...... if (when!) I ever get my treatment right I will be ahead of the game. I have been eating what I consider to be a fairly healthy diet for years, I do not drink any alcohol and I have stopped smoking.

All I ask for now is refreshing sleep and a body that can tolerate exercise......

...... I can live with the extremist personality...... never forget the extremist personality...... it is always there on my shoulder......

I'm off to McDonald's......

Autumn/Winter & The Holidays....

2010-09-26T00:23:00.006+01:00

Autumn/Fall; here's the thing....

It is no good me trying to deny it; Autumn is rapidly approaching. Before Hypothyroidism it was one of my favourite times of the year......

Now Autumn invariably finds me in a melancholy place as I reflect on the past and look to the future. These thoughts are all the more prevalent as I approach another couple of weeks on the "night shift".

You see, the days are getting shorter and the nights longer. This means that I see even less daylight during the "night shift" period...... hence the melancholy...... this is what I have to look forward to between now and next March.

I'm going to sound like the Grinch now...... are you ready...... I do not like the Christmas/New Year holidays...... no that was not a typo, I'll repeat...... I do not like Christmas!...... Now hold on!...... Before you leave this blog in disgust, let me explain......

One, I live on my own and I'm a virtual recluse...... Two, what about family? I hear you cry...... dysfunctional at best...... that subject is for another blog in another lifetime...... Three, my finances do not allow me to buy gifts and I'm a giver not a taker...... Four, I'm a glass half empty kind of guy at the best of times so during this bleak time I dwell on what is missing from my life...... not a pretty picture! Do I really need to go on?

You'll have to trust me on this...... I used to love the holidays, I really did, but that period in my life seems a long time ago. On a more positive note...... I have not given up hope (that word again!) of recapturing the good times...... Anything will be possible if I feel human again......

But for now I will commit the cardinal sin of wishing my life away, as far as January, when I will feel as if I have broken the back of winter. October's not too bad, it's just the period from when the clocks change here in Blighty and it is dark by 5pm...... romantic? ......cosy? ......snuggled up in front of the fire? ......maybe in the future, but for now...... no!

You've got to admit; I'm full of it today......

So, how am I doing right here, right now?...... I've been better, but I've also been a lot lot worse! So that's a positive!

I have been on 137.5mcg of levothyroxine for 49 days now, so things are still settling down...... I need at least 12 weeks before I can make any kind of assessment as to where I'm at. The worst thing...... and I'll never tire of saying this...... is the whole sleep thing (trouble getting to sleep, followed by unrefreshing sleep, followed by trouble waking up)...... now don't get me wrong we're not talking 2005 here but it's still a right royal pain in the arse! Frus...... trat...... ing!!!!

The secondary symptoms are; the aforementioned melancholy, a feeling like "stitch" in my heart, "brain fog", painful feet (in the bones), constipation and bad skin. There are others but they escape me at the moment.

But the real frustrating thing is that I will miss my appointment with the endocrinologist next week because of the "night shift"...... I am seriously pissed off...... I've only been waiting 8+ years...... but at least I can reschedule. Do you know, that is one of the most frustrating things about my battle with hypothyroidism...... I can't make appointments with any degree of certainty that I will be able to make them. And I hate letting people down...... as I imagine it will only give them ammunition to ask the following question......

"Why don't you just set your alarm and get up? Surely you can manage that, it is your life we are talking about here!"...... if that thought entered your head you need to go back and start reading this blog from the beginning! Do you think I have a choice? Do you think I choose to live a "life" this way?...... Yes?...... Then listen to me very carefully...... fuck off!!!!

Like I say, I am feeling so/so. You would not think it if you had just reread the previous few paragraphs...... but hey, that's honesty for you!

On the bright side, I am fully aware that over the coming months I will...... at my own pace...... be getting answers to many questions, which will be a huge step forward. I am confident that I am going to get better...... just how much better I'll just have to wait and see......

This progress will no doubt bring more questions with it...... and I'll just have to get the answers won't I? And with the continued support of The Community, the burden will be shared and the possibilities endless......

The Community provides me with great comfort and if I in turn contribute to it in my own small way then all the better...... come on...... have I been forgiven for not liking Christmas yet?...... Too soon?...... Ok, I can live with that.

I have a feeling that I will look back on this period of my life and realise it was the time when huge progress was made...... a discovery on a par with diagnosis in 2002 and the realisation of over-medication in 2005......

So, looking to the future...... a long dark winter ahead, sprinkled with a few positives and newly acquired knowledge, the element of fear...... the T4/T3 combination therapy, synthetic/natural, doctors approval question(s)!

My finances need life support...... but I've received a positive recommendation about a debt counselling charity...... I must contact them next week!...... as I understand it; they will act as an intermediary between me and the wolves at the door...... thus relieving a bit of the pressure...... things could be worse, not much, but they could be worse!

If Santa really wants to win me back then a month in the sun should do the trick...... I'm not holding my breath!...... oh to spend a month chillin', that's right, chillin' by the pool!

See ya!...... Wouldn't wanna be ya!...... Haha!

I'll be seeing six dots in my sleep...... OCD my arse!!!!

Groundhog Day......

2010-09-18T15:02:00.006+01:00

......I keep repeating the same pattern of behaviour and it goes something like this......

Most evenings I have the same thought; "if I feel like this when I wake up tomorrow I will be able to have a productive day".

Sucker!!!!

You see it is in the evening when I feel most human...... mentally I am at my sharpest and physically I feel quite perky.

And I am full of hope......

Then reality kicks in...... why does it have to kick in...... so inconsiderate!

I feel tired so I go to bed...... still thinking...... "if I get to sleep then nirvana awaits me in the morning".

Sucker!!!!

Inevitably getting to sleep is an ordeal...... sometimes I have to get out of bed go downstairs and start the process all over again.

So, finally, I get to sleep...... sweet dreams and all that...... then morning comes......

Groundhog Day!!!!...... I feel like death warmed up......

I make my way downstairs with this deafening racket ringing in my ears......

It is hope's Antichrist...... reality!

SUCKER!!!!

By now it is the middle of the day and I have managed to reboot and I am functioning about as efficiently as my broadband connection...... private joke...... I trust you can work it out!

During this Utopia I am supposed to have the time to concentrate...... yeah, right...... on getting better, acquiring knowledge, and what's it called...... that's right...... living!

Sucker!!!!

Do not despair...... during all of this I have somehow managed to make progress. And anyway during the remainder of the day I continue to warm up...... to the point where on my better days I treat you all to a blog post...... lucky you!

Now who's the sucker!!!!...... oh come on, that has got to be worth a laugh!

The fellow obsessives amongst you will have noticed my penchant for...... dots(?) today...... and each time six of the precious beauties...... and a liberal sprinkling of exclamation marks!

So, as the day draws to a close a thought occurs to me; "if I feel like this when I wake up tomorrow I will be able to have a productive day"......

Blood test results; August 2010....

2010-09-13T14:09:00.005+01:00

As promised....

For those of you interested in the more technical aspects of my battle with hypothyroidism, the results from my blood sample taken in August 2010 are detailed below.

Verbatim....

Serum TSH level: LO. 0.16 mu/L. (0.35 - 5.5).

Serum free T4 level: 22.2 pmol/L (11.5 - 22.7).

Serum free triiodothyronine level: 5.6 pmol/L. (3.5 - 6.5).

Thyroid peroxidase antibody level: HI. 64 U/ml (0 - 60).

I'm glad we've got that straight! Interesting, right!

The first thing to say is that the above sample was taken after I had been taking 150mcg of levothyroxine every day for 238 days, or 38 weeks. Do I need to remind you? I have.... altogether now!.... an extremist personality! So I obsessively take my tablets every day, every day!

Why is nothing straight forward? The fact that stunned me the most was that my "Serum TSH level" was 0.16 mu/L which indicates hyperthyroidism!

The million dollar question? Here goes.... why for 4 years from 2002 to 2005 when I was taking 200mcg per day, every day, were my blood tests coming back as "normal"? Where's Sherlock Holmes when you need him my dear Watson?

The "Serum TSH level" does explain why I have been having more difficulty getting to sleep and waking up. Another million dollar question; why have I not been experiencing the devastating panic/anxiety attacks and heart palpitations?

Do you want my theory? Of course you do....

The only thing that has changed during that time is that I gave up smoking on 13th February 2009! Well done Robert! Why thank you one and all! So, to recap, during the period 2002 to 2005 I was smoking 15-20 cigarettes per day (yuck!) and since February 2009 zero! Well done Robert! Why, once again, thank you one and all! Yes I am pleased with myself!

Does smoking really affect the body's ability to absorb synthetic T4 (levothyroxine) this much? If so the fact that I have stopped smoking is huge! This would mean that I am like two different patients; smoking Robert with hypothyroidism, and quit smoking Robert with hypothyroidism. I have "hypothyroidism schizophrenia" ha ha.... no! I shouldn't laugh!

Enough with the million dollar questions already!

You have to laugh that the more you learn about hypothyroidism the more questions you have! The irony is not lost on me! Even though I now know more I feel like I know less! Does this make any sense?

Now, I'm thinking aloud here.... do the "Serum free T4 level" results suggest anything?....

....is "Serum free triiodothyronine level" the same as "free T3" and do the results suggest anything?....

now this is a biggy.... do the "thyroid peroxidase antibody level" results suggest that I have "Hashimoto's"?

As you can see, many questions have been percolating in my mind since early August.

Another development.... I have my first ever appointment with an Endocrinologist later this month. It has only been more than 8 years people!

Despite the many questions, I feel like a breakthrough is just around the corner.... I've mentioned the importance of hope before.

I am also aware that just because I have an appointment with an Endocrinologist it does not mean I'll get to see one who is sympathetic/understanding/open-minded etc.

Oh, before I forget.... ok, I forgot!.... I am now taking 137.5mcg levothyroxine per day so my body (and mind!) is still in the adjusting period.... but I am still here.... and that is to be celebrated, right?

I think that is enough to be going on with....

Treatment 2008 to August 2010; patience of a saint....

2010-09-05T20:37:00.006+01:00

Hello everybody. I am back on terra firma with my own laptop in my own home! Yippee!

To mark this auspicious occasion I am about to complete the last instalment of my treatment history. I would be lying if I said I was insouciant about this as the last part of my "story" does not contain the extremes of the period 2002 to 2007. No bad thing for me at the time believe me! This period in my life was more a marathon than a sprint; the tortoise and the hare if you will, and continues to be to this day.

Anyway, as you will recall, during the period 2006 and 2007 I was "chasing nirvana" and at the beginning of 2008 I was at a loss as to why this had not been achieved. I came to the conclusion that I was not being patient enough and would have to stay on the same dose for longer than 12 weeks.

Basically at the start of 2008 all I knew for certain was that a daily dose of 200mcg of levothyroxine resulted in me having the symptoms of hyperthyroidism even though my blood tests indicated I was "normal". I decided, with the agreement of my Doctor, to start again on a dose of 125mcg but to give my body much more time to reach an optimal level.

The problem I have always had since being treated for hypothyroidism is that not all of my symptoms are constant over a period of time so I have never known if the dose I was taking had reached it's optimal level. Perhaps now is as good a time as any to list those symptoms I experience constantly and those that only show their face arbitrarily.

My constant symptoms of hypothyroidism;

unrefreshing sleep
"brain fog"
poor concentration
poor memory (disclaimer; I hope these lists are complete)
little or no energy
no sex drive
painful lumps under the skin that take forever to heal and leave scarring

My arbitrary symptoms of hypothyroidism (August 2010);

irregular bowel movements (80% of the time constipated)
trouble getting to sleep and waking up (75% of the time)
sinus infection (50% of the time)
depression, depressive thoughts (20% of the time)
obsessive, obsessive thoughts (20% of the time)
breathing difficulties, struggle to catch a full breath (10% of the time)
pain in the bones of my; feet, ankles, knees and even hips (10% of the time)
feeling really sleepy all day (10% of the time)
gritty/sticky eyes (10% of the time)
heart palpitations (5% of the time)
anxiety/panic attacks (5% of the time)

Then there are the symptoms of hypothyroidism that I do not see or feel.... I really do not like thinking about that!

As you can see, life at casa Robert is one big party! Ha ha ha!

Since the beginning of 2008 I have only been on three doses of levothyroxine; 125mcg, 137.5mcg and 150mcg. I was on each of these doses for more than 40 weeks! Even after this length of time my symptoms did not settle down. I would experience false dawn after false dawn. Short periods of time without many of the arbitrary symptoms above would be followed by periods of nearly all of them. My thyroid gland seems to be unable (or unwilling!) to process levothyroxine consistently day after day. Frustrating!

All the while the practicalities of my life have been deteriorating;

relationships with family and friends
contract of employment terminated (August 2003)
finances reached critical point
forced to perform like a dancing bear to receive welfare benefits
my home and garden desperately need some TLC, as do I! Here's hoping!

Ooops! I seem to have fallen in love with bullet points! No more, I promise!

The one thing I have managed to keep hold of is.... hope!

What is there without hope? Realising I was on too much medication in late 2005 gave me hope (as did the ensuing glimpse of normality). Stumbling across the beautiful Mary J. Shomon and her book renewed my hope. Finding the courage to start this blog, and the response from you for taking the time to read it, fills my heart with hope!

I seem to have been blessed with the patience of a saint.... not literally, but you get the point.... and this gives me? Yes! You've guessed it; hope!

You might remember that before my forced hiatus from this blog due to technical problems I had had a blood test and was awaiting the results. Remember? Good. I will provide details of this in my next post. The media have a name or phrase for this but it escapes me at the moment.... a "teaser" will have to do.

I would like to put on record again my appreciation for the comments I receive; they mean the world to me, and renew my strength and.... wait for it.... hope! Thank you and goodnight.

I am still here....

2010-08-31T10:44:00.001+01:00

....but I am still offline!

Just when I think I am making progress events conspire against me.

A broken laptop and an insurance claim is not a match made in heaven.

I was just beginning to feel that I had started to establish this blog. Your continued patience is greatly appreciated.

I am really frustrated with not being able to post regularly.... sorry everyone.

I'll be back....

Ooops, I had an accident....

2010-08-10T14:34:00.000+01:00

.... I have managed to break my laptop, clumsy me. I somehow managed to get tangled up in the various cables whilst getting out of my chair and I went down like a ton of bricks along with my laptop and various other furniture items. My left knee conveniently landed right on the laptop screen and it is no more.

If a tree falls in a forest, with no witness to it, did it still make a noise? In my case, yes! The air was littered with my vast repertoire of beautiful profanities and expletives. I have woken today with a sore knee and the unenviable prospect of dealing with the consequences of said broken laptop.

I have insurance, have contacted them, and set the wheels in motion. I am not a happy bunny! It will take two weeks minimum to sort out.

"Where are you posting this from" I hear you cry!

Well, good question. As you know already; I am a recluse. So picture the scene if you will of me using a computer in the public library, with the sweat pouring off my brow, just to keep this blog up to date.

I am serious about maintaining this blog into the future.

I will try to post again from the library but do not expect the same standard of literary genius I have been spoiling you with thus far! Ha ha ha!

If you are frustrated with this arrangement by all means consider spending a day walking in my shoes.... I thought not! Ha ha ha!

Doctor's tomorrow for blood test results.... exactly!

Mahler's Symphony No.5; 4th Mvt "Adagietto"

2010-08-08T06:08:00.005+01:00

....I just had to share this with you.

I listened to the BBC Proms last night from the Royal Albert Hall, London, where Mahler's Symphony No.5 was performed.

I hope the above link to the 4th movement "adagietto" works. It is a truly wonderful piece of music performed beautifully.

Sit in your favourite chair, turn out the light or close your eyes and be spirited away to a place that only exists in our dreams.

Enjoy.

Drum roll please....

2010-08-07T04:22:00.001+01:00

....why thank you one and all!

The reason for the drama queen moment is this; I went to see my Doctor today! This is a very big deal for me so I'll say it again; I went to see my Doctor today!

The reason this is such a big deal is that I am a recluse! I find it very difficult to leave the house for positive situations, so to go to see my doctor filled with trepidation is huge! And I did it!

This was Friday morning. I had been up since 1am (night shift) so at 8.30am I decided to call my Doctor's surgery to see if I could get an appointment. Strike while the iron is hot, take the bull by the horns, you get the picture.

My Doctor could see me at 9am, bonus! This was the best possible outcome as it did not give me time to work myself up into an anguished state or worse still the dreaded panic attack! So, all good so far.

I had already prepared a list of questions I wanted to ask and had Mary's book tucked under my arm like a comfort blanket. So off to battle I went.

I think my Doctor could sense that I was in a bit of a mess and did not try to rush me out of the office. I was in the arena of battle for at least 45 minutes, amazing!

Now, do not by fooled! I am nowhere near as eloquent in the flesh as I am in this blog, ha ha ha!

But I covered all the bases and told my Doctor that I was struggling to cope and was near to breaking point. It all got a bit teary at times, me, not the Doctor! But the gravity of the situation was communicated eventually, how effectively I am not sure. I even managed to get a laugh, it went something like this;

Me: "Doctor my digestive transit is about 4 days from top to bottom and this continual constipation is unpleasant."
Doctor: "Oh, that's not very nice. We'll have to see what we can do about that."
Me: "Thank you. So I guess you could say I'm full of shit."
Doctor: "Ha ha ha."

Those of you who have followed this blog know that I was only making a statement of fact! Anyway I have been prescribed Movicol for the foreseeable future.

We also played an amiable game of catch (or hot potato) around the subject of depression. My view; I am not depressed but my thyroid issues result in a poor quality of life. You know I have had a nervous breakdown in the past and I know what depression feels like. I am under extreme mental pressure from many angles but that does not mean I am depressed. Doctor's view; depression, hypothyroidism, hypothyroidism, depression, chicken, egg. Go figure!

The surgery was quiet due to school holidays so my Doctor managed to arrange for me to have a blood sample taken by the nurse there and then. This was very much appreciated as it avoided the need to go home and repeat the process of leaving the house! So I was on a roll!

I have a problem with blood samples being taken; I have "deep veins" apparently so hitting oil can be a bit of an ordeal. In the past I have had to go back another day after a butcher had 12, yes twelve, unsuccessful attempts at getting blood. Someone was smiling on me yesterday as the nurse struck pay dirt first time! I kid you not!

So overwhelmed was I by my experience exceeding my expectations that I have forgotten exactly what my blood tests are for. TSH, T4, T3 and something else, along with kidney and liver function tests I think. Anyway, an appointment has been made to discuss these results next Wednesday, so we will see what is what then.

My Doctor has also agreed to refer me to an endocrinologist at the local hospital. To discuss "fancy" blood tests and T3. Happy with that as I had only been asking for more than 5 years!

Overall a positive outcome. Could it have gone any better? Yes. But disaster was avoided and progress has been made towards taking control of my health.

Friday was a good day.

I am thankful for that much.

Flip side to "I have a dream"....

2010-08-01T20:18:00.005+01:00

I do not have a sunny disposition today!

All my energy is spent trying to keep a roof over my head.

I have no energy left to concentrate on getting well.

Will the system only be happy when I am broken?

What then?

Is this how it was meant to be?

I have not had a day off in over ten years.

I certainly have had no holiday.

I do not remember the last time I did something for me.

I am exhausted.

I have no energy to get well!

Do I carry on? Should I carry on? Will I carry on?

Feeling sorry for myself.

Why can't I?

I've been dealt a shitty hand!

Being told I'm not the only one does not help.

Allow me this much.

I have no outlet for my anger.

I am angry.

There is no one here to see the tears.

Were they shed? Did they fall?

When I am all alone.

I have been starved of affection.

I am an affectionate guy.

To be held in the arms of another....

A dream to dream.

Too honest?

Or not honest enough.

aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!

Life is to be shared, right?

Why is it not like the movies.

I am a worrier not a warrior.

More's the pity.

I'm a giver not a taker.

What more can I give?

I'm a talker not a fighter.

I have nothing left to say?

What else is there to say....

Today.

Back from the brink....

2010-07-30T16:57:00.005+01:00

....of extinction?

When you have been poorly for as long as I have would it surprise you to learn that I find the prospect of getting "well" a little scary?

I have been witness to too many false dawns.

The reason I mention this is that the talk of adrenal fatigue and supplementing my T4 with T3 has got me, among other things; excited, hopeful, frightened, terrified, optimistic, tearful, daring to dream and seeing the possibility of an improved quality of life.

This is shaping up to be as big a discovery as realising I was displaying symptoms of hyperthyroidism in December 2005! Those who follow this blog (thank you, thank you, thank you) will know what a significant moment that was!

It's times like these; ooh, ooh, Foo Fighters song! Chorus:

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again

How appropriate! Good tune!

Anyway, as I was saying, it's times like these that I wish I lived next door to Mary. (Whether Mary would think this is such a good idea is another matter! Ha, ha, ha!) Then I could go round, have a civilised cup of tea and a chat. I am new to this "virtual" world so my etiquette might leave a little bit to be desired. So many questions, so little time!

I have to go to the well one more time!

I must be fully prepared when I next go to see my doctor. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail! Why am I such a pessimist? I might make my little speech and my doctor respond; "you know what Robert? I was thinking the same thing. Let's get on top of this once and for all and get you well!" Yeah, right!

That crashing sound you just heard was me falling off my chair in the doctor's office!

I am expecting a less than positive response and that is making the prospect of my next appointment a little daunting. My assertiveness abandoned the sinking ship many moons ago! Along with confidence and positivity!

The reality of my next appointment will be somewhere in between I am sure. Unfortunately my current and future doctors are paying for the sins of the family doctor I had had since I was born and who laughed in my face!

The irony is that I am also paying the price! Ain't that just a kick in the balls!

Anyway, I'm on night shift at the moment (awake at night, asleep during the day) so it will probably be the week after next before I can get to see my doctor, It's not like I have any thinking to do is it?

All in all this blogging game has been a huge positive!

Thank you, Robert.

Let It Be....

2010-07-28T00:07:00.009+01:00

I love the Beatles and I love the song Let It Be. It is a beautiful song and I find it incredibly moving. Get yourself a copy and enjoy the song.

Whenever I listen to this song now I think of Mary J. Shomon and how selfless she has been to the thyroid community and all because she wants us to have that most basic of human rights; a quality of life.

I know it is perhaps a literal step too far but "Mother Mary" is what I feel Mary is to the thyroid community. I am blessed to have found Mary twice in my life; first in print and then in the "virtual" world.

Perhaps the lyrics are uniquely personal to me and the influence Mary has had on my life during the darkest of times, if so I am the lucky one. Please read the lyrics below....

Mary, I dedicate this song to you....

Let It Be
Songwriters: Lennon, John Winston; McCartney, James Paul;

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be

And when the brokenhearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be

For though they may be parted
There is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Yeah, there will be an answer let it be

Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be

Let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be

And when the night is cloudy
There is still a light that shines on me
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be

I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Yeah, let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be

Lennon and McCartney; there are no words....

Treatment 2006 & 2007; chasing nirvana....

2010-07-27T23:19:00.034+01:00

This post picks up after the "my moment of clarity" post. My darkest days were behind me but that was by no means the end of the story....

Less than two weeks after stopping my 200mcg daily dose of thyroxine "cold turkey" (do not do this!) something very strange happened. I began to feel better than I had since I was a child!

Obviously at some point in the process of the thyroxine leaving my system the planets aligned or something and everything was in equilibrium! I need not of worried as this period of nirvana (I miss you Kurt!) only lasted about a week!

The funniest thing that happened during this week was experiencing a sex drive for the only time in my life so far! And no, I have not given up on it one day returning, ha ha ha! I was like a horny teenage boy walking around with a loaded gun in his pocket!

But this was not the best of it, honestly! Do you know what was? And here I hope I have sympathy from the ladies! I was experiencing the unfamiliar sensation of falling asleep soundly shortly after going to bed and waking up refreshed, yes refreshed, the next day, along with the surprising but not unpleasant "morning glory"!

I can only explain it like this; refreshing sleep is a necessity whereas a sex drive is a luxury item! If I had to chose just one, and I take this very seriously, I would chose refreshing sleep every time. I felt great! Anyone who has spent the last twenty years of their life with their quality of sleep gradually deteriorating will back me up on this.

Reading this back I just want to make one thing clear; even without a sex drive the equipment is fully functioning! Sex drive is different to desire. Please excuse the alpha male moment!

I hope this demonstrates how debilitating the repeatedly poor quality "sleep" was. Any men out there will realise how serious the situation was, and still is!

To get your dirty minds back on track; my bowels also functioned like a dream for this one week only! Normally I would make more of a song and dance about this but taking into consideration the aforementioned you could only tell to look at me by the innocent grin on my face!

Basically I felt tip top! But it didn't last. And I've been chasing this nirvana ever since!

After a month of no thyroxine, the symptoms returned, and I had a blood test that confirmed I still had hypothyroidism. So I was back to square one!

It was around this time that my friends suggested I research a little bit about hypothyroidism on the internet, and offered to help me on their computer at home. They are two very special people and I'm blessed to have them in my life and honoured to call them my friends. Love you!

This was to prove to be the single biggest moment in my fight with hypothyroidism; education, education, education! So important I said it three times!

Remember at this point I knew less than nothing about hypothyroidism. In fact if I knew I knew nothing I would have been ahead of the game!

The first significant information I came across was a hypothyroidism patient resources guide on the American Thyroid Association website. The extract below changed my life, it was like opening the curtains on a sunny day and the light flooding in!

American Thyroid Association ٠ Hypothyroidism ٠ Page 18

Side effects and complications of treatment

The only dangers of thyroxine are caused by taking too little or too much. If you take too little, your hypothyroidism will continue. If you take too much, you’ll develop the symptoms of hyperthyroidism—an overactive thyroid gland. The most common symptoms of too much thyroid hormone are fatigue but an inability to sleep, greater appetite, nervousness, shakiness, feeling hot when other people are cold, and trouble exercising because of weak muscles, shortness of breath, and a racing, skipping heart. Hyperthyroidism can also cause changes that you can’t feel, like bone loss (osteoporosis) and irregular heart beat.

This was written evidence that 200mcg of thyroxine a day was causing me to have symptoms of hyperthyroidism. And had been for 4 years! I still do not know if my heart has been damaged or I have suffered any bone loss. How did my doctor not know this? I was always honest with how I felt but was told I was a "difficult patient"!

Anyway, I made a decision, I would change doctor! It was now the beginning of 2006.

I also made a decision that I would need access to the internet at home to continue my research. I bought a basic laptop, which I still use today, and arranged an internet connection. I went without to make this happen but I had to do it.

When I started to research hypothyroidism properly at home I came across my guardian angel in the form of Mary J. Shomon and her book Living Well With Hypothyroidism.

In my humble opinion it is the most informative, inspiring, uplifting, optimistic and hopeful book on the topic of hypothyroidism! I have always believed in quality over quantity and Mary's book would be the one book I would recommend to someone who has just been diagnosed with hypothyroidism.

Mary's book is never far away and is always to hand. Just recently I have been paying it more attention as my confidence has slowly been improving and keeping this blog has raised many questions. In particular adrenal fatigue and T3. Anyway I looked up adrenal fatigue and was rereading it as if for the first time! Please remember (excuse the pun!) that poor memory is one of the most common symptoms of hypothyroidism and most days mine is like a sieve! My point is, the list of symptoms could not of been written better by myself as a way of describing how I feel, except for "premenstrual syndrome", although I'm sure if someone explained it to me I suffer from that as well! Joking ladies!

In all seriousness I have a renewed respect for women who experience their unique symptoms on top of those of hypothyroidism. How do you do it?

Anyway I started 2006 with a new doctor, an angel on my shoulder, and on a new dose of thyroxine; 125mcg. Over the next two years I spent twelve weeks on each of the following doses; 125, 137.5, 150, 162.5, 175, 187.5, back to 162.5 then 150 then 125mcg. Every dose I was in the "normal" range! This took just over two years to the beginning of 2008 and all the while chasing nirvana!

I still had all the symptoms of hypothyroidism that I'd always had except not as serious as during the period 2002 to the end of 2005. I was making progress but it was bloody slow! And I was a long long way from being what a "normal" person would call well!

The importance of Mary's book during this period and the thyroid forums on About.com were immeasurable. Mary did not know it, and all of those contributors on the thyroid forums did not know it, but I gained the strength I needed to get through the tough times from these sources. I know there are many forums and websites out there but during 2006 and 2007 I could only cope with a limited number of sources of information.

As I have got a little bit stronger I have had the confidence to begin to embrace the thyroid support community in all it's guises. I wish I could hug you all!

Next time I will cover the period 2008 to the present day. I am sailing on calmer waters but still have to weather storms along the way.

I hope this post was worth the wait, sorry about that. I was caught in a storm.

This blog is for you as much as it is for me. Let it go and laugh and cry with me and let us heal together.

It has been emotional, again, Robert.

Calm after the storm....

2010-07-24T16:13:00.008+01:00

What a day!

The only positive I can take from yesterday is that it provided evidence of me being able to feel emotion. This ability to feel emotion has slowly been returning since 2006.

When forced to confront the reality of my life, instead of embracing denial, it can be heart breaking. Being presented with compelling evidence of my financial predicament yesterday resulted in my emotions bubbling over. It was just all too much!

So I cried.

I had no control over those tears. They were not the kind of tears that provide relief and enable you to quickly move on. They came from deep inside me, a place where I cannot hide. If I go to that place in my mind's eye, even now, I can still feel those tears.

Oh no, here I go again.... with my extremist personality (!) I gravitate towards positive or negative ends of the spectrum! And yesterday has made me feel very lonely and all too aware of the fact that I'm 39, single and on my own. It is so frustrating when I know I have so much love to give.... I must not go there!

In the cold light of a new day I have regained a little of my composure. I am trying to process my thoughts and feelings through the perspective of seeing the bigger picture. Easier said than done I'm afraid! I am just going to have to wait for this roller-coaster ride to stop. I've ridden enough metaphorical roller-coasters to last me a lifetime! But somehow I know I am destined to ride many more!

Oh, another positive from yesterday! I was so emotionally exhausted that I actually managed to get 3 hours of relatively restful sleep! Hallelujah!

Another positive! This blogging is like therapy. You are all my Frasier Crane's! Even though Niles made me laugh the hardest; one would not be the same without the other!

No, that's it! No more positives!

I will pick myself up and dust myself down.

Until we meet again....

On the crest of a wave....

2010-07-23T20:23:00.004+01:00

Those of you who do not want to read about the financial impact of hypothyroidism on my life and battle to get well do not need to read this post. I will endeavour to finish blogging the details of my treatment history from 2006 to the present day soon, so keep checking out the blog.

I am acutely aware that this is a sensitive subject and I do not have much confidence in my ability to record the facts in the correct tone. This is called a "disclaimer" I believe! Ha ha ha....

I have said from the beginning that it is my intention to be honest and candid in this blog, to tell my story "warts and all". As much as I hate to admit it, the secondary impact of an illness, the effect it has on your finances, is equally devastating! In fact it would provide enough material for it's very own blog, but where's the fun in that!

Anyway, we all know what happens to a crest of a wave; eventually it comes crashing to shore....

That is what happened to me today!

I have been riding a wave of goodwill, love (I can feel it!) and optimism since starting my beloved blog!

I know I am to blame (through circumstance, not choice!) but I struggle to keep on top of my mail. It always seems to be negative and over the years I've developed the all too familiar "stick my head in the sand" syndrome!

Today I thought I would get up to date with my mail and boy did I get a shock. Since last opening my mail, about a month ago, I have had a County Court Judgement awarded against me!

To cut a long story short; I borrowed some money after my life savings run out (1 loan and 1 credit card) while I was off work sick but on half pay after my nervous breakdown. This was purely to keep a roof over my head. Since I have been living on welfare benefits I had an agreement to pay a minimum amount each month and interest charges were frozen. I can no longer afford to keep to this agreement hence the legal action.

The long term consequences of this could be devastating. It is possible I could be forced to sell my home, I just don't know yet. I will have to seek advice. This is worst case scenario but it has got me worried and spoilt my day. Always the master of the understatement me!

Now I don't know about you, but in my battle to get well I have drawn a metaphorical "line in the sand", a point at which I can stay strong no longer, and mine is this; if I lose my house I give up.

It is these added pressures which divert the very limited energy I have away from my battle to get well. And I find this very difficult to explain to those people and agencies who impact on my life. In fact they have the power to influence it more than me, but they just do not get it! When I get well I will be able to return to work and pay off my debt! It is not rocket science!

So that has been my day. I hope I have achieved the right tone; I want this post to be factual and not pitying.

I have found the sharing process of keeping a blog to be very therapeutic and an unexpected bonus. Thanks for "listening", I really needed to get that off my chest.

Thank you, and please stick by me, I hope to post again soon. Robert.

p.s. Not one day goes by when I am not grateful for the free healthcare we have in the UK. I just wanted to put that on record. Until next time....

I have a dream....

2010-07-21T23:38:00.012+01:00

I have a dream that one day I will be the master of my hypothyroidism and my own destiny.

I have a dream that one day I will have the quality of life I deserve.

I have a dream that one day I will have the strength, fortitude and inspiration to use my experience to help others.

I have a dream that one day health professionals will respect me and my hypothyroidism as much as I respect them.

I have a dream that one day the media will report on hypothyroidism with equality, fairness and compassion.

I have a dream that one day society will accept hypothyroidism without judgement or discrimination.

I have a dream that one day the voice of the many will be heard over the voice of the few.

I have a dream that one day a beacon of light will shine upon hypothyroidism and change will happen.

I have a dream that I am living in the year 2010.

I have a dream today!

Am I dreaming?

I have not forgotten you....

2010-07-20T23:44:00.007+01:00

The remainder of my hypothyroidism treatment story will appear soon.

I have been experiencing the all too familiar sleep difficulties the last few days and they leave me with the dreaded "brain fog" all day! Not as extreme as in 2005 so do not worry.

My story, and the process of recording it in this blog, is very emotive for me and I need to be somewhere near my best to do it justice.

I hope you are enjoying the blog so far. All I hope for is empathy and sympathy but absolutely zero pity! I will not allow it, do you hear me!

I hope to report back for duty soon....

I am overwhelmed....

2010-07-18T23:56:00.003+01:00

....and trying to deal with information overload at the moment.

Everyone who has commented on or even just read my blog; your support means the world to me, my sincere thanks to you all!

I am new to blogging so please make allowances. Once I'm on top of things I hope to respond to individual comments but I can't promise this yet. But please keep spreading the word.

All the new information regarding Hypothyroidism and the number of resources on the web is mind blowing and it will take me time to digest it all.

All the different blogs, forums and support groups I've encountered is dizzying, but in a good way. Like when as kids me and my brother would spin around and around in the garden and go staggering off in different directions and end up in a heap on the lawn, or Dad's vegetable patch!

No more communications today, I'm shattered....

Peace. Out.

It may have slipped your notice but....

2010-07-18T23:16:00.001+01:00

I know, I know. Enough already!

Did I tell you I have an extremist personality? Ha ha ha, lol!!!!

The reason I keep mentioning it is that it governs my thought processes and pattern of behaviour. It is who I am!

Understatement of the year; I find it very difficult, actually almost impossible, to trust people. Altogether now; because I have an extremist personality! Thank you!

Fetch the straight jacket....

My moment of clarity....

2010-07-18T22:20:00.005+01:00

Right, where was I? How could I forget; it was December 2005 and I was at my lowest ebb....

This is still difficult to put into words, but here goes....

Thinking back to early December 2005 it was my continued sleep problems that brought me to my own personal breaking point. Every time (and I mean every time!) I tried to get to sleep was an ordeal, it was taking between 4 and 6 hours to get to sleep, and had been this serious for more than 18 months. But this wasn't the worst of it!

After a period of sleep I would not "wake up" properly, I would be in a semi-conscious state where I was sort of aware of my surroundings but unable to react to them. It was like my brain and my body were not connected. I do not have the skills to put into words how it felt other than to say it was very weird and unpleasant. I was so distant that fear didn't even come into it. My home could have been burning around me and I would not have been able to move or react! This still wasn't the worst of it! Oh no, I kid you not!

This rather alluring combination didn't exactly start the day off on a high note. The whole process was taking between 12 and 16 hours from going to bed to getting out of bed. I know what you're thinking; there are only 24 hours in a day! Wait for it, this is the coup de grace; it has been over 8 years since I have lived my life in the 24/7/365 way we evolved to do!

Please persevere with me and I'll try to explain as this is where it gets really confusing! Imagine if you will, me trying to explain this to my doctor! Pay attention everyone as there will be a test later! Ha ha ha!

Let me begin; the time I go to bed can be any one of the 24 hours in a day! The time I get up can be any one of the 24 hours in a day! For example, and remember this is not by choice, I can be ready to go to bed at 8am and get up at 10pm! It's a cyclical process, and in December 2005 it was taking about seven days to go through the 24 hour cycle. This meant that my week only lasted 6 days! I was losing a day a week! But I still had to take my 7 doses of thyroxine! I've not missed a day since I was diagnosed, the extremist personality helps with this I think. Quite an achievement I think you'll agree.

Present day; the cycle is now 3 to 4 weeks, I keep stretching the elastic but it is not ready to let me go yet! But it will! Present day has it's own demons in this area. During the short days of the winter months 2 weeks out of every 4 I see no daylight! If you've managed to follow me this far and haven't given up this will make sense if you think about it for a couple of minutes. It's all to do with the cycle!

Anyway, back to December 2005. Figuratively I've taken the pin out of the hand grenade, rolled it across the room, and it's about to explode! Add to my sleep problems the panic attacks and heart palpitations from my last post and what have you got? Please excuse my language but it is the only way I can describe it; a fucking mess!

A promise to you all; I will never use expletives gratuitously in this blog, only when I feel they are necessary.

It is only with the benefit (or is it curse!) of hindsight that I can now admit that I was really, really, poorly. Being a man, a man's man and an Englishman at that, and what with the stiff upper lip we are renowned for, I was putting a brave face on the situation! Sound familiar?

At this point I was physically, emotionally and mentally wrecked. It was a different kind of feeling to the nervous breakdown I suffered in 2000. I was on the dark side of the moon. A place beyond tears and emotion, I was empty!

What a bundle of laughs I am! I promise, once my history has been recorded my posts will lighten up. I keep my promises (another example of my extremist personality)!

Please try to remember, at this point I still did not know that my hypothyroidism was causing these problems!

My doctor told me my blood tests were normal and my symptoms were all in my head! I grew up and went to school before the internet explosion (only just!) so I am of the generation that when your doctor tells you something it is true; fact! What a fool I was!!!!

At this time I was no longer taking anti-depressants, the only medicine I was taking was 200 mcg of thyroxine a day. I know, I know, I've asked myself the same question a thousand times; why did I not deduce that the thyroxine was the problem? All I can say is; read this and the previous post and throw in a nervous breakdown and an extremist personality!

We would all love to travel back in time but I didn't have a DeLorean so I found myself where I was! And where was I? At stinking rock bottom that's where!

And then I had my moment of clarity; stop taking the thyroxine, it is the only thing that can be making you feel this way. Listen to your own body and mind!

As so began my long and winding road to wellness, and I still have not arrived, there is plenty more still to come! I can feel a song coming on, John, Paul, George and Ringo let's go....

So, until next time....

Hypothyroidism; diagnosis and treatment 2002 - 2005.

2010-07-16T21:14:00.006+01:00

Today's Friday, so here's my next post...

Forgive me, but while I think about it, let me begin. Once upon a time, a long long time ago there lived a man....

I was only ever diagnosed with hypothyroidism after I myself requested a blood test from my doctor. His response, verbatim; "if it will shut you up you can have your stupid blood test!". I kid you not!

Contrast this with his attitude when calling me back to discuss the blood test results. Picture the scene; he couldn't sit still and had to get up and strut around the room like a peacock, looking very pleased with himself! Again, verbatim; "I'm surprised you're even standing as your body is screaming out for thyroxine!". To this day it renders me somewhere between speechless and wanting to put him through the wall.... aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!

This all came about after suffering a nervous breakdown in early 2000. I was treated with a variety of anti-depressants, none of which worked, but actually left me worse, in a zombie like state. I later learned from the psychiatric nurse I was seeing for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) that in 25% of depressive illness cases anti-depressants just do not work. In these cases, and probably others, I believe the underlying cause of depression could be hypothyroidism. There seems to be very little public awareness of this fact!

It was this nurse who later diagnosed that I have an extremist personality. Later he was to breach patient/therapist confidentiality. Despite this the positives outweighed the negatives in our relationship so I was able to process this (my extremist personality at work!).

Anyway, I digress. By now it was 2002 and somewhere in my subconscious I equated some of my symptoms with an underactive thyroid gland. Thinking back it was the utter exhaustion and unrefreshing sleep that had significantly worsened since my breakdown that probably triggered this. I will honestly never know. But I asked for a blood test....

Little did I know at the time that this was the beginning and not the end of my battle with hypothyroidism!

I have only ever been treated with thyroxine since diagnosis in 2002. I am a big lad, 6 feet 3 inches tall and at the time about 250 pounds in weight, so my doctor started me on a dose of 200 micrograms (mcg).

This is difficult. My deterioration over the next four years was so gradual that it was only in hindsight that it became obvious. The enormity of this discovery was like purgatory.

To begin with I experienced a short period of improvement as my body adjusted to the increased levels of thyroxine.

However, during the following four years, the combnination of thyroxine being a "slow release" drug and my doctor having either no interest in, or knowledge of, my condition resulted in my deterioration going unnoticed. Other than one of my doctor's pearls of wisdom, again verbatim; "your blood test results are in the normal range so there is nothing wrong with you, it is all in your mind!". Somehow I managed to listen to my body and I knew there was something wrong.

By the second half of 2005 I was having a number of mental and physical problems.

Mentally I had gone from depressed to being obsessive (a mantra I have since learnt; under: depressive, over: obsessive). To an outside observer, and even my family, this was a subtle difference. But to me, combined with the extremist personality, it was devastating. It was at this time I reached my lowest ebb as I did not understand what was happening to me. Please bear in mind that this is now being written from a position of acquired knowledge (not quite enlightenment!) and not the sheer ignorance of 2005. One of the problems I had was that I did not realise what a serious and debilitating condition hypothyroidism could be if not treated properly.

Physically the changes were also subtle to an outside observer. The lack of energy and exhaustion was still there. The sleeping problems were still there. Except I knew they were getting worse.

Added to this I was experiencing increasingly severe panic attacks. They would happen at totally random times of day or night. I was even having them whilst sitting at home watching television, nothing external was triggering them. Anyone who has suffered just one of these knows how horrendous they are. They can be anywhere between 5 and 30 minutes of hell! Panic attacks are terrifying! You think you are going to die!

I was also having heart palpitations. These were unnerving and uncomfortable, an episode would again last anywhere between 5 and 30 minutes and would again happen at any time of day or night.

If a panic attack strikes while I am away from my home it manifests itself in a loss of control of my bowels, and not to put too fine a point on it, I shit myself! During this four year period they were getting worse and worse and understandably I became more and more reluctant to leave the house and became what I am today, a virtual recluse.

The trigger for my panic attacks today is now psychological not physical due to a repeated pattern of behaviour becoming instinctive. They only occur when I leave my home in a perceived stressful situation. I understand why this happens but I am unable, on my own, to break this pattern of behaviour.... help!

In December 2005 everything was about to change, with the help of my most treasured friends. They know who they are and that I love them unconditionally (and not just because of the help they gave me at this particular point in my life). I love you.

Please forgive me but what happened next will be covered next time as "telling my story" above has left me full of mixed emotions. Do not worry, I am okay.

It feels good to have finally put part of my experience down in words, even if I have no followers yet, as I know it is here.

I knew this would happen......

2010-07-14T20:23:00.001+01:00

I've not been feeling so good the last few days.

It is moments like these that will test my resolve to keep up with the blog. It is my intention to post every Monday and Friday, I will try my best. I know, I know, it's Wednesday!

I feel really down in the dumps. When this happens I can't help but focus on the negative aspects of my life. I also start to feel sorry for myself, not the most attractive character trait I'll admit, but seeing as I'm a virtual recluse who will even notice!

One thing that has been frustrating me is this; since the turn of the year I've been making more of an effort to reconnect with "friends" via Facebook. A few people have commented on my posts, but only a few, and this upsets me. Especially as I've made the effort to comment on many "friends" posts.

But as with this blog I've "got to keep on keeping on" (an Oasis lyric reference).

I hope to report back for duty in a more positive frame of mind soon...... keep a look out for me.

On a lighter note......

2010-07-10T11:42:00.002+01:00

I am currently reading; The Wings Of The Sphinx by Andrea Camilleri. This is number 11 in the Inspector Montalbano series.

I am currently listening to; The Defamation Of Strickland Banks by Plan B. The track Stay Too Long is awesome!

My newspapers of choice are The Guardian and The Observer.

I love and am proud of the BBC (most of the time!).

Introduction (part 3), some facts.

2010-07-10T11:02:00.004+01:00

Ok, here are some facts about me:

I am a 39 year old male from England, and I live on my own.

My hypothyroidism was diagnosed in 2002 on the back of a nervous breakdown suffered in 2000. I have since learnt the significance of these two events in my life; they are mutually inclusive.

My contract of employment was terminated at the end of August 2003 on the grounds of long term ill health.

I was over medicated for the first four years of my treatment for hypothyroidism resulting in me displaying the symptoms of hyperthyroidism. Learning this was the single most important factor in my treatment as it ignited the need for me to educate myself.

The symptoms of hyperthyroidism that affected me the most were; panic attacks, heart palpitations and sleep problems. Over the years these have resulted in me becoming more and more reclusive and more and more alone as "friends" drifted away one by one.

Since 2006 I have been learning about hypothyroidism and it's impact on my life and my ongoing quest to get my level of medication right for me. I dreamed of keeping a blog from 2000 but had to accept that I was not well enough to do so.... until now! This in itself is a sign of progress, right!?

That's enough for now I think, future posts will illustrate that I have retained my sense of humour...... hopefully!

Ooops! I forgot to mention that many years of undiagnosed hypothyroidism led me to develop an extremist personality. I see everything in black and white with only a slither of grey in the middle. The fact that I am now aware of this tempers my behaviour to a degree but it is who I am. Awareness is knowledge and knowledge is power (over my own destiny!).

Until next time......

Introduction (part 2), a little more information.

2010-07-09T07:23:00.002+01:00

Once I've familiarised myself with blogging I will submit individual posts relating to a specific subject. I hope this will make my blog easy to follow.

Question of the day; re: my blog, how do I "get it out there" ? If only I had a marketing degree....

I also intend to post regularly, and on the same day each week.

Are you the first person to stumble upon this treasure trove? Ha ha ha!

Please Be Patient With Me

2010-07-07T18:57:00.000+01:00

^ "please be patient with me", get it? ha ha ha!

But seriously, please stick with me as I embark on this journey into the unknown. I hope this blog will help me to improve my quality of life and entertain/help others. I'm not asking for much am I?

I plan to be honest and candid with you, all the while hiding behind a veil of anonimity. The blessing and curse of the virtual world!

I have Hypothyroidism. I will detail how this impacts upon my life and my battle to "get well" again. I will also offer my observations of the world we live in.

I will provide more detail all in good time. Here goes......