Hypoman's Diary/Why Does It Always Rain On Me?

"Why does it always rain on me?

Even when the sun is shining

I can't avoid the lightning"

I am still here, not quite managing to blog every day, yet persevering.

Today was day 8 of starting over. 

Starting over on T3 only.

Taking it slowly.

SLOWLY.

I am satisfied with how things are going. But I have noticed that the daily wave of fatigue is arriving earlier and earlier in the day. When last I blogged it was gatecrashing the party in the early afternoon (14:00 - 16:00). Today it arrived, uninvited, at 10:00!

The day is then yet another write off. My life has been littered with these. As previously mentioned it is NOT the sort of tiredness that a dainty little nap can resolve. Oh no, this sucks the life out of your body and soul. I doze on and off, then kind of come round with what feels like a hangover. It takes hours to get back to anything resembling being alive but then it's time for bed.

Yes.

Yes I do DO irony.

I am nothing if not experienced when it come to just how shitty "life" with thyroid disease can be. The reason my fatigue is invading earlier in the day is due to my body adjusting to the 10mcg of T3 I take at 06:00. I need to adjust this dose to 15mcg which I will do in a few more days time.

SLOWLY.

We need such self-discipline, strength, resolve, courage.

Dark humour.

We are good people.

With these qualities imagine the careers we would have had.

We would have made a difference.

"I coulda been a contender

I coulda been somebody

Instead of a bum

Which is what I am

Let's face it"

Brando as Terry in On The Waterfront

I haven't made much (if any) progress with researching my thyroid theory.

Or with sharing my recent blood work results online.

It'll happen.

I need to get my first dose of T3 right. I will know when it is right because my symptoms will be resolved momentarily.

Or so the theory goes.

Seriously, the theory makes sense.

More importantly, I believe it.

I am listening to my body.

What will blow this theory out of the water, for now, is if my adrenal insufficiency and/or my vitamin/mineral levels are not optimum for the transference of thyroid hormone into the cells of my body. This could necessitate the need for sitting on a holding dose of T3 whilst other issues are "fixed" first.

I understand this part of the theory.

That reminds me.

I MUST REPEAT THE 24 HOUR SALIVA TEST FOR MY ADRENAL FUNCTION.

This is a test I have to pay for privately.

There is no pot of gold at the bottom of the garden.

But it is the most important thing for me to spend what little money I have on right now.

Information/facts are power.

Empowering.

Luckily I don't have a social life to muddy the waters.

Just in case you were wondering: I have managed to keep to my supplement routine, which so far involves vitamin C, B complex vitamin, vitamin B12 and vitamin D3.

I still forget to take my probiotic first thing in the morning but remember to take it mid-morning.

Why is that?

In amongst the chaos I still managed to cook a roast lamb dinner. The above half-shoulder of lamb (from the village butcher) was served with new potatoes, runner beans (grown by my own fair hand), gluten free Yorkshire pudding and a homemade gravy (using my own chicken stock as a base).

Homemade stock (broth) is so good for our guts. I use it as a base for soups and stews in the winter and for gravies all year round.

My head is clear on what I need to do.

I have a small amount of achievable steps to take.

I try not to let the big picture overwhelm me.

Another piece of the jigsaw is good enough for me.

For now.

What is in the box I wonder?

Find out next time.

For now, remember, for as long as we have hope we have a chance.

Hypoman's Diary/Dragonfly

"Just dragonflies
Flying to our side
No one gets hurt
You've done nothing wrong"

Codex, by Radiohead

Hello again, only me!

This diary thing I am trying to do will be better done in arrears so to speak. One day in arrears is the endeavour.

Yesterday was a good day. All things being equal. Where I am on my journey...

It started just after 06:00 and upon making it down stairs I had the customary two glasses of water and allowed my 10mcg of T3 to melt under my tongue.

At 07:30 I had my first dose of vitamin C and B complex vitamin before making my breakfast porridge.

I like routine.

Just as well really as routine is essential for me to have any chance of being the best of me.

I am a creature of habit.

Good and bad.

I remembered that I had forgotten to take my probiotic again, only this time I had forgotten to buy some more. 

I ran a few errands which included a visit to an orchard farm shop less than a mile from my home where I bought plums and cooking apples.

Four loads of washing were done, pegged out, got in and folded over the course of the day.

Despite being a good day I didn't make any progress thyroid theory wise, or in posting up results.

A bad habit.

The good is that I get there eventually.

I had a wonderful salad for lunch and the tomatoes, given to me by my godfather from his allotment (didn't The Godfather die amongst his tomatoes?), were perfectly ripe.

This being a good day a wave of fatigue still knocked me off my feet in the middle of the afternoon. It's not the type of fatigue where you take a nap and everything is OK. No, this is awful, this is fatigue in every inch of my body including the brain. 

You. Just. Shut. Down.

I came out of it rather like a boxer stupidly getting up off of the canvas to take yet more punishment.

Does this qualify as sadism?

Anyway, mother nature lifted my spirits when I saw this in the garden, on the clothes prop whilst getting the washing in.

Said dragonfly from this blog post's title.

This was taken with my iPhone without a zoom so it was close enough to whisper in my ear.

I had forgotten to get a portion of curry out of the freezer so for dinner I ate crisps (potato chips) and grazed on fruit and nuts throughout the evening. I could feel the lack of nourishment draining me.

Luckily I am not this stupid often.

I remembered to take my B12 lozenge and vitamin C at lunchtime.

I remembered to take my B complex and vitamin C in the evening.

I have reintroduced vitamin D3 (3,000iu), which I also take in the evening in the hope that it mimics a day in the sun.

I have noticed since stopping all supplements ahead of blood work that my skin has suffered. I am getting quite a few ingrowing hairs in my stubble. I normally get one or two once in a while. The skin on my face also has a waxy quality to it at the moment. I am thinking this is because of not taking my essential omega 3-6-9 oils.

From dipping in and out of thyroid pages on facebook I was reminded that I am not alone, even if those closest to you do not really get it.

I have a few real world friends who do get it.

And I have friends online that I have only made because of thyroid disease.

Good people.

In the evening I watched Strictly Come Dancing (Dancing With The Stars) on the telly... a guilty pleasure.

Another day flat out busy doing nothing in particular.

But that is everything I had to give today.

And with the time being 22:00 off to bed I went prepared to fight the good fight once more tomorrow.

Remember, for as long as we have hope we have a chance.

Hypoman's Diary/Is There Anybody Out There?

I have missed blogging.

I have missed you.

I have missed Hypoman.

What is a boy to do?

To ease back in to blogging I am going to try to keep a diary. Plain. And simple.

Today I got up, as per "normal", at 06:00. As soon as I get downstairs I have a glass of water and take 10mcg of T3 (liothyronine) sublingually.

I then pour another glass of water and sit in front of the telly with the laptop on and iPhone to hand and wait to feel even remotely human again (still waiting).

At 07:30 I take a vitamin C tablet and a B complex tablet.

I then prepare breakfast. Gluten free porridge oats with raspberry jam, English blossom honey and cinnamon. Sometimes with a milk and water mix, sometimes just water, that's how I roll. Then when porridge starts to boil I add a pinch of salt and time 5 minutes from this point, constantly stirring until done.

I then drink another glass of water whilst making my first decaf mug of tea of the day. Yorkshire Tea Decaf is best.

I drink three more mugs of tea.

At some point I remember that I forgot to have my probiotic drink (irony).

At midday I have a vitamin C tablet and a B12 lozenge.

I then prepare lunch. Today Spanish omelette.

The perfect Spanish omelette.

After washing up and clearing away I drink another mug of tea. In front of the telly and laptop with my iPhone by my side. Waiting for other peoples lives to happen.

All the time, at the back of my mind, I am thinking THYROID. Adrenal insufficiency. The need to order another 24 hour saliva test as I had the last one done in August 2012.

Full iron panel results. I had blood taken the week before last and collected the results last week. Still haven't got round to posting them on a internet forum I trust for interpretation.

Vitamin B12. I had blood taken for many tests the week before last. My B12 is comfortably mid-range for a "normal" person. I am not "normal". I have thyroid disease. Therefore my B12 needs to be near the top of the range. Have started supplementation just yesterday. Will speak to my doctor about it... soon.

I have called my doctors surgery to see if my vitamin D test result is in. It is. Normal, no action required. They have printed it off and I will collect it when I pick up my repeat prescription for T3 which I ordered in the same phone call. Good aren't I?

I need to go through all the results from this latest raft of blood tests and try to get my brain fog addled mind around them and plan a way ahead.

This is only my second day on 10mcg T3 and the vitamin C/B complex/B12 supplementation. I made the decision to start again from scratch and take it slowly. Really slowly. I have the patience. I have done it before. But this time, REALLY SLOWLY.

A fact that I can support with blood test results, symptoms and research. My body does not convert T4 into T3 very well. In fact my body converts T4 into the inactive T3 hormone RT3 (Reverse T3). This pools in my bloodstream and leaves me feeling really shitty. Awful. Earlier this year I went through the painstaking, and not as straightforward as I would have liked, process of RT3 clearance. To do this I was on T3 only medication. I'll cover this in much more detail at a later date, I hope.

The clearance process left me feeling better but not close to being well. I was even able to go out for walks, more about this again later, I hope.

When T3 only wasn't the answer I made the big decision to source NDT (natural desiccated thyroid) from an online pharmacy. The process of ordering and receiving this medication went smoothly. Almost too smoothly. I am not complaining. I NEVER complain.

But I fucked up.

But I learnt a lesson.

After getting to 4 grains of NDT a day I was feeling really poorly. After 20+ weeks of clearing RT3 I had only gone and inadvertently provided my body with T4 with which to immediately, greedily convert to RT3. So after a month or so I decided to stop the NDT and switch over gradually to a T3 only regime once again.

I was demoralised.

I am still demoralised.

I was frustrated.

I am still frustrated.

I will always be frustrated.

That's another story.

I gradually built back up to 70mcg T3 per day. But I wasn't happy. I needed to take action. I needed to start all over again. My body was telling me this. Shouting.

So I slowly weened myself off the T3 until I was on no medication at all. This coincided with me being on no supplements as I had stopped taking them ahead of the blood tests outlined above.

I lasted a week with nothing.

Yesterday I got back on my bike/back in the saddle.

Got my game face back on.

If I can just get one thing straight in my head each day I will be happy with my progress. I will try. I will.

I saw a blog post from a thyroid hero of mine, Paul Robinson, author of the excellent book Recovering With T3. The blog post was about explaining why so many thyroid patients feel the therapeutic benefit in the immediate aftermath of a medication dosage change only for this to only be a cruel fleeting glimpse of what could be.

This part of my puzzle suddenly made sense.

It was my life for 7+ years.

It rang a bell.

LOUDLY.

My ears are still ringing.

Effect of TSH on Conversion of T4 to T3

It has occurred to me that this blog post could be a result of just such a phenomenom.

Later today I will be having a simple salad for tea. Lettuce, tomato, cucumber, celery with cheese and a little dressing. Here's one I made earlier...

This evening over a few more mugs of tea I will watch some telly/listen to some music all the while having a dialogue of sorts with the voice in my head. My inner voice.

At 19:00 I will have a vitamin C tablet and a B complex tablet.

Then I will prepare myself mentally to do it all again tomorrow.

You still with me?

You still interested in walking my journey through life with me?

I missed blogging.

I missed you.

I am Hypoman.

Remember, for as long as we have hope we have a chance.

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Do Me A Favour

Do Me A Favour by the Arctic Monkeys
iTunes

"Well the morning was complete

There was tears on the steering wheel, dripping on the seat

Several hours or several weeks?

I'd have the cheek to say they're equally as bleak."

...

I had a routine appointment at the thyroid clinic of my local hospital.
I thought I had lucked out.
I got the organ grinder not the monkey.
Everything was looking good.

You know what thought did?
Looks can be deceiving.
It was a fucking car crash!

Oh we danced.
Endo the waltz; proper, predictable.
Me the tango; passionate, sweaty, styling!
Brain versus heart.
Class war.

Endo insists on treating the numbers.
Any fool can paint by numbers.
It takes an artist to create a masterpiece.
I am begging to be the canvas.

Deja vu.

It ended with me heartbroken.
Again.
How much more of this can I take?
For you? For me? For us?

I am devastated.
I will not give up.
Why?
I don't know how to.

...

"Do me a favour, break my nose
Do me a favour, and tell me to go away
Do me a favour, and stop asking questions."

...


Remember, for as long as we have hope we have a chance.

Fade To Grey

"One man on a lonely platform

One case sitting by his side

Two eyes staring cold and silent

Shows fear as he turns to hide...

...Ahhhahhh, we fade to grey, fade to grey

Ahhhahhh, we fade to grey, fade to grey."

How am I feeling?

Am I sick?

Am I well?

Glad you asked.

I am in no man's land.

I will try to explain.

For someone who sees everything in black and white.

I find myself drowning in grey.

Oh the irony!

As my health improves I have become aware of my own fragility.

I over-think things.

I obsess.

This is unsettling.

A part of the journey.

During the dark lost years I was not aware of how ill I was.

Just as well.

 The memories are terrifying!
Yet strangely comforting.

If this temporary mental fragility is the price I pay for wellness then it is a piece of piss!

Relatively speaking.

You know where I have been.

Here, today, my senses are heightened.

Am I alive?

Yes.

But not quite living a life?

Yes.

My greatest achievement in all of this?

I now know the road I need to travel.

Yet there is no map.
Aren't I clever?!

I could not have done this on my own.

I have a virtual social media army by my side.

 Every step of the way.

They are courageous.

They are beautiful.

They are a part of my life.

Always.

Walk with me in 2013.

I will gladly hold your hand.

Honour.

Privilege.

See what trouble awareness brings?!

"...Ahhhahhh, we fade to grey, fade to grey

Ahhhahhh, we fade to grey, fade to grey."

Remember, for as long as we have hope we have a chance.

#6 News Style Post: The Science Behind "Brain Fog" Revealed #NHBPM

BREAKING NEWS :

THE SCIENCE BEHIND "BRAIN FOG" REVEALED

We all know that our metabolism is clobbered by hypothyroidism.

But did you know the brain is so energy hungry in humans that it accounts for 20% of the resting metabolic rate?

Twenty percent!

Yet it makes up just 2% of body mass.

No, me neither.

The penny has dropped.

It makes sense now.

My shrink-wrapped brain had been unable to join the dots.

The Guardian, 22 October 2012 : Invention Of Cooking Made Having A Bigger Brain An Asset For Humans

I will regurgitate this information when I next meet my endocrinologist, my doctor, or anyone else who will listen to me for that matter.

Remember, for as long as we have hope we have a chance.