My Vitabiotics Vitamin and Supplement Regime....

I mentioned previously that I would provide details of my vitamin and supplement regime.... just one piece of the jigsaw.... so here you are....

I have found, through trial and error, that the Vitabiotics range of vitamins and supplements (for men and women) suit me best. They are widely available in the UK, where I find it more convenient to order online, they offer "3 for 2" on all products, plus reward points (that soon add up). This is true of the UK - Worldwide site: Vitabiotics (UK - Worldwide) link to online store

The also have a site for the USA, unfortunately this appears to offer multi-vitamins only: Vitabiotics (USA) link to online store

I am not sponsored by Vitabiotics and I have no affiliation to them. I am just a satisfied customer.

The links provided are to the Vitabiotics website where you can see exactly what each tablet/capsule contains. I hope you find this blog post informative and that it perhaps enables you to compare and contrast.

Please remember that this is what works for me. For example: I tried taking extra vitamin C but whatever brand I used I found they gave me a persistent headache every day without fail.

I have been following this regime for the past six months now....

BREAKFAST: Immediately after breakfast, and before having a hot drink, I take 4 Ultra Vitamin D3 tablets and 1 Ultra B Vitamin Complex tablet with a glass of water. I then wait for another half an hour, enough time for another glass of water, before having my first cup of decaffeinated tea.... PG tips: The Delicate One

Vitabiotics Ultra Vitamin D3 link

Vitabiotics Ultra Vitamin B Complex link

MAIN MEAL: After my main meal of the day, and again with a glass of water, I take a Wellman multi-vitamin tablet and it's accompanying omega 3-6-9 oils capsule, plus a slow release Feroglobin capsule. At this time I again have another glass of water and leave it half an hour before having a hot drink.

Vitabiotics Wellman Multi-Vitamin Plus Omega 3, 6 and 9 link

Vitabiotics Feroglobin Slow Release Capsules link

BEDTIME: This is when I take my thyroid medication. It works best for me at night. Mornings were a total disaster for me.... I became even more of a Zombie.... I never felt like I had woken up.... EVER! It sits well with me that I'm giving my medication the chance to work on me whilst I am sleeping.

CONCLUSION: I generally only have the 2 meals per day. I have become quite regimented in my approach, even more so since I discovered that I am wheat intolerant. This again seems to suit my personality (Borderline Personality Disorder) so I am happy to stick with it for now.... any changes and you'll be the first to know.

Preparing this blog post got me thinking about how my vitamin and supplement regime fits into my whole plan for well-being. Another blog post will follow soon about "Foundations" and "Building Blocks".... I bet you can't wait! *winks & chuckles*

For now, please remember, that for as long as we have hope we have a chance.

The Liquid Suspension Experiment....

I hope this blog post will bring you up to speed with what's been going on with my Doctor and Endocrinologist.

In late 2011 I had an appointment with my Endocrinologist at the local hospital. With what was going on in my life, coupled with the Endo's attitude, it was a routine appointment; dotting the i's and crossing the t's.

I followed this up with a visit to my Doctor where I repeated the whole "I do not feel well and would like the opportunity to try other treatments (including.... whisper it.... Natural Desiccated Thyroid) dance routine".

So I was adhering to the status quo, in a holding pattern if you will. It is my experience that "Health Professionals" rather like this!

So Christmas and New Year came and went.... hello 2012! After bigging up 2011 as "my year" I am reluctant to place any expectations on 2012 other than getting out of it in a better state than I came into it.

It was now early February and I trudged off to my next appointment with the Endocrinologist, expectations low.... just how I like it, in my comfort zone!

We danced our dance whilst I whispered sweet nothings in his ear....

"You, my Doctor, the PCT (Primary "Care" Trust), you all tell me that NDT is not available on the NHS so how come the NHS's ("The Information Centre: for Health and Social Care") own National Statistics  (Prescription Cost Analysis 2010 England) show that there were over 1,700 prescriptions for Armour Thyroid in 2010?"

"I wonder what a lawyer would make of that?"

NHS National Statistics; Prescription Cost Analysis 2010 England. You need to scroll down to page 200 and 201, "BNF: 6. 2. 1. 0. Thyroid Hormones", it is there in black and white, and you'll need your glasses!

AND THEN EVERYTHING CHANGED.

By the end of the appointment the Endocrinologist had referred me to the "Thyroid Clinic" at another regional hospital. He sold it to me by saying it had more blood testing and treatment options. According to my Doctor this was not true (another lie!) he was discharging me from his "care". No bad thing really, for me, it could even be seen as a positive development. He also recommended that my Doctor prescribe "liquid suspension levothyroxine" after my repeated questions regarding it being the fillers in the tablets that could be causing my skin breakouts and possibly other symptoms. This, my Doctor, has agreed to do.

"Hush money".... fucking hilarious! I was not born yesterday!

To recap. I have received notification of my appointment, in early April, with The Thyroid/Endocrine Clinic at the regional university teaching hospital, a far more prestigious hospital than where I've been "treated" 'til now. But, "prestigious" does not guarantee results.... expectations in check.... however my odds on regaining some semblance of well-being have improved. Progress!

Now then, the liquid suspension experiment. My Doctor agreed to prescribe Liquid Suspension Levothyroxine (LSL) for a trial period of 3 months due to the cost of the medication. I'm in! He referred me to the in-house pharmacy at my Doctors Surgery who proceeded to tell me this medication is no longer made. I repeated what Doctor told me but Pharmacy's computer screen was saying "no". Went back to reception to get them to pass this information on to my Doctor, who was now seeing another patient, he spoke to the Pharmacy. Back at the Pharmacy they 'phoned an independent local pharmacy; nothing doing. Was told that I was welcome to visit other pharmacies in the area to see if I could have better luck but that you will not be able to get medication!

You hum it, I'll sing it, I'd heard this song before!

Anyway, so off I popped brandishing my prescription....

The first 2 pharmacies I tried in town could both get the medication for me! I plumped for the more professional outfit, which happened to be Boots, a nationally recognised chain of chemists with an in-house pharmacy. They were kind, courteous and welcoming.... how refreshing!

They explained to me that the medication is made to order, has a shelf-life of 35 days unopened and 14 days once opened, and that it needs to be kept in the fridge.

One 100ml bottle, where 5ml equals 100mcg (so 150mcg equals 7.5ml), will last me 13 days (13 x 7.5 = 97.5). Not just a pretty face me!

I still require my prescription to be issued by my Doctor's in-house pharmacy. I explained to them how a prescription for 2 bottles at a time would be easier so that I would only have to put everyone through the rigmarole every 26 days. This has been agreed.

Did you get all that?

I do believe this will prove to be a step forward, however, I do not expect it to be the answer. I believe that ultimately I will require a medication that contains T3.

I hope I do not come across as ungrateful or too negative. If you have followed my story from the beginning you will understand what a big deal this is!

I am extremely thankful.

More than words.

Enough to make me weep.

The ball is rolling.

Buckle up!

Coming soon; The Liquid Suspension Diary.

You see what hope has gone and done?

"You telling me I have a chance?" - Dumb & Dumber.

Remember; for as long as we have hope, we have a chance.

Talk of the devil....

Where have I been for five months?

Jail?.... no, I'm a law-abiding coward.

Found God?.... yeah, right!

Abducted by aliens?.... more likely.

Fallen in love?.... not yet.

Enough already! The truth is a little less exotic.... my old laptop finally gave up the ghost and my living arrangements changed. Both, in their own way, the consequences of "living" with a (not optimally treated) chronic health condition.

But.... I do have a fabulous new pet Sony VAIO laptop which is only 2 days old.... yay!!

And I am now back living in my childhood home with my Mum and my Brother. I love them both dearly but it is not how I saw things being when I was 40 years old. Then again whose life has gone exactly, or even close, to plan?

So I need to be selfish and concentrate on my health.... this is not my default setting.... you think?!?!

What else have I been up to?

This and that.

I moved back home in October and the understandable adjustment period (still adjusting) followed.

Since ill-health has resulted in being reclusive and skint all the time Christmas and New Year has gone from being a period of socialising and celebration to a time of fear and wanting it over with.

My very own Grinch complex.

Like I need an excuse for self pity.... right?!.... so you can imagine.... but it's over with for another year and spring is just around the corner.

Anyway, regarding my thyroid health, I have seen my Doctor and my Endocrinologist a couple of times since my last post. I have made progress of sorts in the battle between good and evil *winks* but will cover this in detail in another post soon.

I am still following a gluten/wheat free diet.

I am happy to report that I no longer require 2 Movicol sachets a day to spend some quality time on my throne!

Now I am back online I hope to find inspiration for foods to eat, recipes to try, and where specific foodstuffs can be purchased.

This will be helped when I finally get my first ever printer.... I just need to count my 2 glass jars of small denomination coins first (£50-£100 fingers crossed). I am old school and function better when I have something tangible in my hands.... those with dirty minds.... there is a joke in there somewhere *chuckles*.

I am not 100% happy with my digestive health yet, but one thing's for certain, I will never take it for granted again.

Do not fear.... I will make sure to keep you up-to-date with my bowel habits in future.... the highlight of everyone's day I'm sure!

I am still caffeine-free. But even with my improved digestive health I dare not try any type of coffee.

I still do not drink alcohol. Since #thyroidlife began any alcohol consumption makes me feel really ill. I never drank at home and was only ever a social drinker.... so no social life equates to no alcohol.... simples!

I am approaching 3 years smoke-free.... THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE!.... you see, we are all stronger than we could ever imagine. I am so proud of myself for this that I have to fight the urge to pontificate to anyone who will listen, including the world in general.

As if further evidence is needed.... you are no doubt aware by now that life with me is quite the party!

I eat a very healthy diet, pay particular attention to hydration.... but my nemesis is.... portion control! I consume too much, albeit healthy food, for the calories my body burns. A body ravaged by Hashimoto's Thyroiditis consumes the bare minimum.... yet another cruel irony of this particular auto-immune disease that is not lost on me!

So, I need to work on portion control.... like I haven't got enough on my plate already....

A knock-on effect of being ill for so long, and with my particular problems, is that you become extremely.... and I mean EXTREMELY.... physically unfit. It is a horrible by-product of chronic illness.

With that in mind I have taken tentative steps towards beginning exercise again.... this is yet more evidence, that for me, I am feeling pretty good.... but, as is my want.... I am waiting for this particular bubble to burst!

I have started a stretching routine in the first hour after waking and in the evening before retiring to bed.... baby steps.... I read that stretching before bed aids restful sleep.... not quite there yet but every little helps. In time I would like to be able to attend a yoga class.... baby steps.

My flexibility has improved markedly. When you notice, and hold onto these small gains, I find it helps my state of mind just as much as my physical state.

I have been going for a short walk and/or generally being more active during the day, running errands etc. This has caused the expected muscle fatigue, generally after the equivalent of only a couple of miles walking. I really feel it in the front of my thighs!?!?

My aim is to be able to enjoy the countryside on my doorstep, with walks along the river, as the weather and my fitness improves. I intend to post photos so that you can enjoy the experience too.... you know it has been a long time coming.

All of that said, I still suffer horribly from the symptoms of hypothyroidism, it just seems that for now at least the balance between really bad days, average days, and good days has altered a little.

Unrefreshing sleep still obsessively stalks my every waking moment.... his partner in crime; brain fog/memory impairment never far behind. The sores on my skin, the heightened levels of anxiety, haunt me still.... you get the picture.... of course you do.... you "live" it too!

Libido?!?!.... do me a favour!!!!

I digress.... those of you in the same boat, on the same stormy seas, know that you can only do what you can do.... it is still nigh on impossible for me to make any plans in advance.... so that frustration continues.

Posts to follow on subjects including; my supplement regime, anonymity, and developments in my treatment from "Health Professionals".... sarcasm, as always, intended.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank all those readers who have stayed with me, those who have recently "discovered" me, those who comment, and those who spread the word.... THANK YOU ALL.

I've wanted to type this for so long....

Remember, for as long as we have hope we have a chance.

Introspection....

It occurred to me today that there is something about me that I haven't mentioned in a while.

Those of you who have followed my blog (aka tale of woe) from the beginning will be all too familiar with it.... that's right.... it's time to talk about my.... "all together now"....

EXTREMIST PERSONALITY!

It still impacts on my life every.... single.... day!

I learnt the other day, at my meeting with my Project Worker from Mind (www.mind.org.uk), a mental health charity, that the correct term to use is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), see wikipedia page for BPD.

I felt that "extremist" was for want of a better word, well, extreme! But "borderline" implies that you are on your way to having a personality disorder but have not quite been accepted into the club just yet!

Is it any wonder I'm fucked up?!?!

From the wikipedia page for BPD there appears to be some consensus towards changing the wording of this disorder to Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. To me "emotionally unstable" implies one may be prone to violent outbursts, so this doesn't fit me either.

I digress, it is but a label.

Anyway, I wanted to try to explain how this impacts on my blog, my email correspondence with friends and even my "social networking".

It all hinges on the all or nothing thought processes that have become who I am (black or white thinking, NO grey!). You see, if I feel I can't do my very best and ultimately do myself justice (my perceived justice), I do not blog, email or interact online.

I am constantly working to address this and have blogged when less than happy with the result, sometimes even including some sort of disclaimer regarding how I'm not happy with the standard of writing etc.

With email correspondence it is even worse. I have the irrational fear of being judged by my peers and consequently their interaction with me must only be on my terms when I am again at my perceived best. Like I say, irrational, right?!?!

Running with this thought process for a moment it is clear that I have trust issues too. Why do I not trust my friends to understand that I may not always be at my best.

Is it because I fear they will no longer want to be my friend?

RHETORICAL ????    !!!!

Of course it is!

Still running.... furthermore, I hope that friends will appreciate a certain charm when my communication is a little bit clumsy. But I have not had the confidence to push this particular envelope thus far.

I have been told that my writing style (prose?) is appreciated and my musings enjoyed so why is this not enough. Self esteem issues, a lack of self worth? Yes and yes!

I think it's time for a favourite mantra of mine.... it is easy to talk the talk but much more difficult to walk the walk!

Or, do as I say not as I do.... espoused by all our favourite dictators/politicians/celebrities!

I can guess what you are thinking (ego alarm bells ringing!).... with this level of enlightenment and awareness surely salvation awaits *winks*

You would think so.

I want to try.

The friendships I have made on what is evidently to be my lifelong thyroid journey deserve nothing less. It is the shared understanding that has been so welcome, I just need to extend this courtesy to you, the readers of my blog, and my friends.

I need to try.

From a selfish perspective I think my blog will be better for it in a historical context if I am able to post in all weathers.

I will try.

I am but a work in progress on this journey that is my life.... and you lucky lucky people get to share in it!

"You're just too good to be true.

Can't take my eyes off you.

You'd be like Heaven to touch.

I wanna hold you so much.

At long last love has arrived.

And I thank God I'm alive.

You're just too good to be true.

Can't take my eyes off you."

Without fear how can we ever be brave?

Remember, for as long as we have hope we have a chance.

Gluten Free Baby, Yeah!....

....in my very best Austin Powers voice!

I mentioned it as a footnote in my last post, the fact that I had been on a gluten free diet. It continues to be a revelation of sorts, in a good way. It has now been 4 weeks and I'd like to share a little more detail of this development with you.

I had been having a rough spell, during which times I withdraw from society and become a complete recluse. After a week or so of living on what I had in the cupboard I noticed my digestive comfort had improved and on reflection realised that I had in fact, inadvertently, been eating a gluten free diet.

When you are living with a chronic illness, any changes for better or worse are poured over in minute detail, almost obsessively. What do I mean almost obsessively?! It was obsessively OK!

Gluten free had been on my radar before. When you are looking for answers you come across all sorts of information whilst researching online. I have my own rule where I only ever try to make one change at a time, otherwise how can I be sure what it is that is making me feel better or worse? This takes time and incredible patience, something all of us in the online thyroid support community have in abundance, even if it doesn't always feel this way.

Anyway, the next time I ventured out to the supermarket I made a decision to give this whole gluten free diet thing a go, for real. It is basically a lifestyle choice, with the pros and cons this inevitably involves, but it is a CHOICE. For me it appears that the benefits far outweigh the sacrifices.

The sacrifices.... I LOVE pasta and bread!.... I LOVE pastries, biscuits and cakes!.... BUT.... I LOVE my new and improved digestive comfort MORE!

Did I mention, I LOVE PASTA????!!!!

Did I mention, I LOVE PIZZA????!!!!

(more about gluten free alternatives another time)

Right, let's cut to the chase, my digestive comfort! Which I think we all know by now is my way to avoid mentioning bowel habits too many times in any one blog post!

A little history....

Since being diagnosed with hypothyroidism my bowel habits have gradually become more problematic. My bowels are a topic for discussion, instigated by me, EVERY time I see my Doctor. For the last five years I have been taking 1 or 2 sachets per day of MOVICOL, a prescription supplement produced as an "effective relief from constipation".

Had this relieved my symptoms? No, not really, I always felt bloated and uncomfortable. EVERY DAY!

My Doctor is aware of this and not once has food allergy/intolerance been discussed as a possible cause of my digestive problems. NOT ONCE!

Again it was me, whilst in the grip of a chronic illness, who had to be proactive!

This is not right! This is another example of a failure in the duty of my care by health professionals!

NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!!

After two weeks following a gluten free diet I no longer needed to take the MOVICOL. My digestive transit times are now less than 24 hours instead of 2 to 3 days. I open my bowels once or twice a day (approximately 10 times a week) and it feels natural. In the immortal words of Alan Partridge my visits to the toilet are now "textbook"! Ha ha!

It tells you everything you need to know about me that I can be so excited about something "normal" people NEVER talk about. But I have suffered!

After five years of discomfort and worry in this one area of my health, to have it improve so dramatically is worth the sacrifice. It has to be. It is a no brainer!

I am also hopeful that with normal service resumed in the bowel habits department it might make it easier for me to leave the house without fear and anxiety and the resulting loss of control of my bowels (translation; shitting myself!). This I have discussed many times before in this blog (and to anyone who will listen! Ha ha!).

It is too early to tell if this lifestyle change has had the added benefit of weight loss. I will have to wait and see if my clothes start to fit better, which would be great!

I am still getting used to these changes but I really hope that in the not too distant future I am able to leave the house and go for a walk, then build up to longer walks, and then possibly even getting my push bike out!

BABY STEPS!

I still believe, with every fibre of my being, that the best possible treatment of my hypothyroidism is still the key to unlocking my future wellbeing and happiness.

To recap; I have now been gluten free for 4 weeks. I have been caffeine free for 7 weeks. Also, it has now been 30 months since I quit smoking forever!

Yay! Go me!

BUT! I'm still fat as butter!

And I still have many untreated symptoms relating to my hypothyroidism.

C'est la vie!

But it is nice to be able to share news of progress with you my dear readers.

MOVING BACK HOME LATEST:

It is still happening but Mum did not want me sleeping on the couch! The box room (a 2.3m x 2.8m cell) is being cleared and a bed has been ordered and will be delivered in 2 to 3 weeks. Then it will be all change.

I have to keep reminding myself that this is a necessary move to make so that I can save a little money. Enough to see a private doctor and pay for my own medication if required.

All together now....

Remember, for as long as we have hope we have a chance.

After The Storm....

Such a beautiful song, enjoy....

Mumford & Sons - After The Storm

Update: I have yet to move back home to live with my Mum and my Brother.

They are "not ready" for me!?!?

So it is likely to be another couple of days.

But....

It is going to happen!

Decision made, end of story!

Funnily enough.... am I laughing?!?!.... since informing my Mum of my decision I have found some sort of peace with it all. And to be fair to my Mum she has always said that there is a bed for me at "home" if ever I needed it.

I will be on the couch until the box room is fixed up. Not ideal, but.... beggars can not be choosers.

It will be OK.

At some point since my last post I had an epiphany.... why have I been fighting so hard to keep my house during these difficult times?

The answer to this lies in my upbringing.... I think!?!?....

I grew up poor, not destitute, but poor. There was always food in my belly, clothes on my back and shoes on my feet. Typical working class really. Nothing at all to be ashamed of, in fact it's something to be extremely proud of.... childhood shapes us all and I am no different.

I had a happy childhood.

Yet, you see, it was a sign of social mobility for my parents generation to own their own home. I was raised in a Council House.... outdoor toilet, ice on the inside of windows and all that.... but my parents worked HARD and were eventually able to, in no small part thanks to Thatcher's government, buy their home from the Council. My Mum lives in this home, which has been modernised, to this very day.

So for me to leave full time education at 16 and make something of myself to the point where I could afford to buy my very own house was a BIG deal.

It was everything. My perceived success or failure depended on it!

Or so I thought.... until this week.

I realised I have been fighting tooth and nail to hold on to my home because I am afraid of what other people will think of me.... I know!

And this from someone who for as long as I can remember has tried to convince himself that he does not care what other people think of him.... I failed, despite deep down inside knowing I am a good man.

But you know what?!

I can tell you today.... for the first time in my life.... I do not care what others say or think about me.

It's about time I thought of me!

As I've mentioned before.... nearly all of my "friends" have vanished into the night anyway.... I am alone.... and lonely....

But I now have a clean slate.... and this is liberating.

Moving back home with Mum is a short term fix.... just how temporary only time will tell.... but I know for sure it will not be permanent.

The one thing it will allow me, is to concentrate on my health and see where that takes me. If my health improves as I hope.... which there is every chance it will.... I have every reason to be excited about the future.

If it does not then I will face it and deal with it.

I have likened my life now to finally playing the hand I have been dealt instead of trying to play the cards I wish I had been dealt. And you know what? There is much less resistance.

But why did I make the decisions I have made?

Pride? Stubbornness? Denial? Ego? Stupidity? Expectation?

Answers on a postcard!

Whatever, I need to walk with my head held high, not shuffling about staring at the ground!

This post has been me thinking aloud and writing it down.... it's a little bit jumbled.... but it's me.

I will always be me.

Hopefully in the future my writing will improve too. My prose is not flowing as I would like.... and my thought processes are jerky.... and my brain foggy!

In other news.... I have been caffeine free for more than 5 weeks, I am now stimulant free.

I have also been eating a gluten free diet for the last 2 weeks or so in an attempt to relieve my digestive discomfort. I am pleased to report that my bloated, distended belly is improving, as are my digestive transit times. I will persevere with this for a while longer before being able to accurately assess the impact of this dietary change.

I still intend to keep a journal/diary whilst living with Mum, and will try to post when I can.


Remember, for as long as we have hope we have a chance.

The Perfect Storm....

First off; apologies for deserting my post all too often this year.

You all deserve so much better from me.

I am sorry.

I have had to try to face up to the reality of my life more and more recently. I can put it off no more; tomorrow I have to move back home and live with my Mum and my Brother.

I am devastated.

Who knew the past twelve years had just been purgatory. I now descend into hell....

For eternity?

I hope not.

I can no longer afford to live on my own on the Welfare Benefits the Government see fit to award me.

Simple as that. FACT.

The Government's desire to extinguish all hope and have me live in poverty in perpetuity is cruel. In another couple of years I will be useless to society, too far gone.

Only then will they be happy.

If they invested in me (short-term) rather than giving up on me (long-term) they would get excellent value for money. Instead the Government has become so short-sighted that they cannot see beyond the next Daily Mail (et al) headline depicting ALL Welfare Benefit claimants as some sort of human sub-species not fit to breathe the same air as the chattering middle classes!

However, if I was a single "mother" with a handful of children spawned by different "fathers" I would be loaded!

Go figure.

Irony.

My financial predicament combined with my chronic ill health is truly a vicious circle.

I do not have the strength to fight any more at the moment.

I am not well.

I need to ask for help but I am afraid that if I do it will fall short of what I need.

I need to be rescued.

I wish there was a rehabilitation retreat for those of us with fucked up thyroids who have reached the end of their tether.

I picture a simple place by the beach where it's a short drive into a small coastal town. And best of all there will be a Doctors Surgery containing the kind of doctors we all deserve.

Good company, great food, inspiring workshops, glorious music, writing, and books. Long long walks when I'm up to it. A place where winter is as beautiful as summer.

Dreamy.

Me? A romantic?

Why of course!

Perhaps I should set up a place like this.... it's an idea for when I get well.

I could run my operation for improved diagnosis and treatment of thyroid disease by "health professionals" from there.

I will give my life to taking on the big pharmaceuticals and changing government policies. My analytical and organisational skills will be best served in that direction.

Anyway, we already have "angels" who selflessly give their lives to patient advocacy. There are many advocates out there, but the one that fate would happen to lead me to was Mary J. Shomon, my very own "silver lining", who it is an honour to call my friend.

Don't I go on?!

Anyway, to be financially viable (grown up words!) it would have to be in the US. Would they have me? How will I get in?

Where is the most beautiful place to live, on the coast, in the US, where you get to experience all four seasons? North California (San Francisco)? Virginia? Long Island? Rhode Island? New Hampshire?

Build it and they will come....

I would love to "go away" to a place like this for as long as necessary to get the help and treatment I need....

"HypoMan, a man barely alive.
Ladies and gentlemen, we can rebuild him.
We have the technology.
We have the capability to build the world's first bionic man.
HypoMan will be that man.
Better than he was before.
Better.... stronger.... faster." - The Six Million Dollar Man.

That was the 1970's. Why six? What price now?

That's my dream anyway.

*slaps face.... hard*

Back to reality!

I hope, in time, I will be able to make progress. It is just that I am faced with a huge adjustment to make and I am not sure how it is going to pan out.

It will take time.

Will you give me time?

It will take patience.

I have the patience of a saint.

I need to provide my Doctor with a "dossier" to support my argument for a trial of Natural Dessicated Thyroid (NDT).

I have researched and located freely available evidence published on the Internet by the NHS that documents that the NHS issued 1,700 prescriptions for Armour in 2010. FACT.

I have many other documents bookmarked on my laptop.

I have no printer and my laptop is doing a better job than me of stringing out it's death throes. Worse still at my Mum's I will have NO access to the Internet. I do not have a fancy "smart" phone, as the name suggests; not at all suitable for me!

I do not expect to be prescribed Armour even when I provide my "dossier", and it is this pessimism that is preventing me from going to see my Doctor. Procrastination I think it's called, right Katie?

I detest confrontation. "Thyroid Me" is a coward and not assertive.

I am afraid what my response will be to yet another rejection in the face of compelling evidence.

I can't even begin to imagine what would happen if Armour did not work for me and I requested another brand of NDT.... or whisper it.... the subject of adrenal exhaustion/fatigue.

I am full of anger.

Am I going mad? As that is surely what the NHS would have me believe.

I am full of frustration.

I am lashing out at "society".... when will I learn.... it is unproductive and ultimately futile.

I am full of self-pity.... have you noticed?

Quite a catch!

Moving back home is going to be miserable. I love my Mum dearly, but me and my Brother do not get on.

Back to my small childhood home, a place where there is no escaping each other, and where it is what is not said that is deafening.

Like I say; welcome to hell!

Try to be positive....

I hope to be able to save enough money over the next few years to see a private Doctor and if need be pay for the necessary blood tests (Reverse T3) and medication (NDT).

Am I living in denial?

I cling to the hope that I can lead a "normal" life in the future. By that I mean a job, a relationship, children, a home, a social life, a holiday....

Is this unrealistic?

Am I asking too much?

How have I become brainwashed into desiring, no, lusting after, the consumerist dream outlined in the glossy magazines and every fucking advert you see?!

It will not make me happy!

So why am I finding it so hard to let go?

What is it that I fear?

So many questions, so little time already!

All I do know is that for the foreseeable future I'm going to be off the reservation. I will try to keep in touch. I just do not know how things are going to work out.

I am thinking of keeping a journal/diary.... just snippets of me.... if I achieve this I will try to type them up and post them when I can.

No promises.

It is now that I would like to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for being here for me (and if there is a philanthropist amongst you don't be shy *winks*). You are all my comfort blanket, whether you read this blog, follow me on twitter or facebook, I am indeed a rich man to have you all in my life. I will never forget. Thank you for sharing in my story. I have kept, and treasure, all your comments. You have taught me so much. Thank you.

Don't hold back, feel the love.

"I am just going outside and may be some time" - Oates to Scott.

Wish me luck.

Remember, for as long as we have hope we have a chance.