I am still here....

....but I am still offline!

Just when I think I am making progress events conspire against me.

A broken laptop and an insurance claim is not a match made in heaven.

I was just beginning to feel that I had started to establish this blog. Your continued patience is greatly appreciated.

I am really frustrated with not being able to post regularly.... sorry everyone.

I'll be back....

Ooops, I had an accident....

.... I have managed to break my laptop, clumsy me. I somehow managed to get tangled up in the various cables whilst getting out of my chair and I went down like a ton of bricks along with my laptop and various other furniture items. My left knee conveniently landed right on the laptop screen and it is no more.

If a tree falls in a forest, with no witness to it, did it still make a noise? In my case, yes! The air was littered with my vast repertoire of beautiful profanities and expletives. I have woken today with a sore knee and the unenviable prospect of dealing with the consequences of said broken laptop.

I have insurance, have contacted them, and set the wheels in motion. I am not a happy bunny! It will take two weeks minimum to sort out.

"Where are you posting this from" I hear you cry!

Well, good question. As you know already; I am a recluse. So picture the scene if you will of me using a computer in the public library, with the sweat pouring off my brow, just to keep this blog up to date.

I am serious about maintaining this blog into the future.

I will try to post again from the library but do not expect the same standard of literary genius I have been spoiling you with thus far! Ha ha ha!

If you are frustrated with this arrangement by all means consider spending a day walking in my shoes.... I thought not! Ha ha ha!

Doctor's tomorrow for blood test results.... exactly!

Mahler's Symphony No.5; 4th Mvt "Adagietto"

....I just had to share this with you.

I listened to the BBC Proms last night from the Royal Albert Hall, London, where Mahler's Symphony No.5 was performed.

I hope the above link to the 4th movement "adagietto" works. It is a truly wonderful piece of music performed beautifully.

Sit in your favourite chair, turn out the light or close your eyes and be spirited away to a place that only exists in our dreams.

Enjoy.

Drum roll please....

....why thank you one and all!

The reason for the drama queen moment is this; I went to see my Doctor today! This is a very big deal for me so I'll say it again; I went to see my Doctor today!

The reason this is such a big deal is that I am a recluse! I find it very difficult to leave the house for positive situations, so to go to see my doctor filled with trepidation is huge! And I did it!

This was Friday morning. I had been up since 1am (night shift) so at 8.30am I decided to call my Doctor's surgery to see if I could get an appointment. Strike while the iron is hot, take the bull by the horns, you get the picture.

My Doctor could see me at 9am, bonus! This was the best possible outcome as it did not give me time to work myself up into an anguished state or worse still the dreaded panic attack! So, all good so far.

I had already prepared a list of questions I wanted to ask and had Mary's book tucked under my arm like a comfort blanket. So off to battle I went.

I think my Doctor could sense that I was in a bit of a mess and did not try to rush me out of the office. I was in the arena of battle for at least 45 minutes, amazing!

Now, do not by fooled! I am nowhere near as eloquent in the flesh as I am in this blog, ha ha ha!

But I covered all the bases and told my Doctor that I was struggling to cope and was near to breaking point. It all got a bit teary at times, me, not the Doctor! But the gravity of the situation was communicated eventually, how effectively I am not sure. I even managed to get a laugh, it went something like this;

Me: "Doctor my digestive transit is about 4 days from top to bottom and this continual constipation is unpleasant."
Doctor: "Oh, that's not very nice. We'll have to see what we can do about that."
Me: "Thank you. So I guess you could say I'm full of shit."
Doctor: "Ha ha ha."

Those of you who have followed this blog know that I was only making a statement of fact! Anyway I have been prescribed Movicol for the foreseeable future.

We also played an amiable game of catch (or hot potato) around the subject of depression. My view; I am not depressed but my thyroid issues result in a poor quality of life. You know I have had a nervous breakdown in the past and I know what depression feels like. I am under extreme mental pressure from many angles but that does not mean I am depressed. Doctor's view; depression, hypothyroidism, hypothyroidism, depression, chicken, egg. Go figure!

The surgery was quiet due to school holidays so my Doctor managed to arrange for me to have a blood sample taken by the nurse there and then. This was very much appreciated as it avoided the need to go home and repeat the process of leaving the house! So I was on a roll!

I have a problem with blood samples being taken; I have "deep veins" apparently so hitting oil can be a bit of an ordeal. In the past I have had to go back another day after a butcher had 12, yes twelve, unsuccessful attempts at getting blood. Someone was smiling on me yesterday as the nurse struck pay dirt first time! I kid you not!

So overwhelmed was I by my experience exceeding my expectations that I have forgotten exactly what my blood tests are for. TSH, T4, T3 and something else, along with kidney and liver function tests I think. Anyway, an appointment has been made to discuss these results next Wednesday, so we will see what is what then.

My Doctor has also agreed to refer me to an endocrinologist at the local hospital. To discuss "fancy" blood tests and T3. Happy with that as I had only been asking for more than 5 years!

Overall a positive outcome. Could it have gone any better? Yes. But disaster was avoided and progress has been made towards taking control of my health.

Friday was a good day.

I am thankful for that much.

Flip side to "I have a dream"....

I do not have a sunny disposition today!

All my energy is spent trying to keep a roof over my head.

I have no energy left to concentrate on getting well.

Will the system only be happy when I am broken?

What then?

Is this how it was meant to be?

I have not had a day off in over ten years.

I certainly have had no holiday.

I do not remember the last time I did something for me.

I am exhausted.

I have no energy to get well!

Do I carry on? Should I carry on? Will I carry on?

Feeling sorry for myself.

Why can't I?

I've been dealt a shitty hand!

Being told I'm not the only one does not help.

Allow me this much.

I have no outlet for my anger.

I am angry.

There is no one here to see the tears.

Were they shed? Did they fall?

When I am all alone.

I have been starved of affection.

I am an affectionate guy.

To be held in the arms of another....

A dream to dream.

Too honest?

Or not honest enough.

aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!

Life is to be shared, right?

Why is it not like the movies.

I am a worrier not a warrior.

More's the pity.

I'm a giver not a taker.

What more can I give?

I'm a talker not a fighter.

I have nothing left to say?

What else is there to say....

Today.