Introspection....

It occurred to me today that there is something about me that I haven't mentioned in a while.

Those of you who have followed my blog (aka tale of woe) from the beginning will be all too familiar with it.... that's right.... it's time to talk about my.... "all together now"....

EXTREMIST PERSONALITY!

It still impacts on my life every.... single.... day!

I learnt the other day, at my meeting with my Project Worker from Mind (www.mind.org.uk), a mental health charity, that the correct term to use is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), see wikipedia page for BPD.

I felt that "extremist" was for want of a better word, well, extreme! But "borderline" implies that you are on your way to having a personality disorder but have not quite been accepted into the club just yet!

Is it any wonder I'm fucked up?!?!

From the wikipedia page for BPD there appears to be some consensus towards changing the wording of this disorder to Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. To me "emotionally unstable" implies one may be prone to violent outbursts, so this doesn't fit me either.

I digress, it is but a label.

Anyway, I wanted to try to explain how this impacts on my blog, my email correspondence with friends and even my "social networking".

It all hinges on the all or nothing thought processes that have become who I am (black or white thinking, NO grey!). You see, if I feel I can't do my very best and ultimately do myself justice (my perceived justice), I do not blog, email or interact online.

I am constantly working to address this and have blogged when less than happy with the result, sometimes even including some sort of disclaimer regarding how I'm not happy with the standard of writing etc.

With email correspondence it is even worse. I have the irrational fear of being judged by my peers and consequently their interaction with me must only be on my terms when I am again at my perceived best. Like I say, irrational, right?!?!

Running with this thought process for a moment it is clear that I have trust issues too. Why do I not trust my friends to understand that I may not always be at my best.

Is it because I fear they will no longer want to be my friend?

RHETORICAL ????    !!!!

Of course it is!

Still running.... furthermore, I hope that friends will appreciate a certain charm when my communication is a little bit clumsy. But I have not had the confidence to push this particular envelope thus far.

I have been told that my writing style (prose?) is appreciated and my musings enjoyed so why is this not enough. Self esteem issues, a lack of self worth? Yes and yes!

I think it's time for a favourite mantra of mine.... it is easy to talk the talk but much more difficult to walk the walk!

Or, do as I say not as I do.... espoused by all our favourite dictators/politicians/celebrities!

I can guess what you are thinking (ego alarm bells ringing!).... with this level of enlightenment and awareness surely salvation awaits *winks*

You would think so.

I want to try.

The friendships I have made on what is evidently to be my lifelong thyroid journey deserve nothing less. It is the shared understanding that has been so welcome, I just need to extend this courtesy to you, the readers of my blog, and my friends.

I need to try.

From a selfish perspective I think my blog will be better for it in a historical context if I am able to post in all weathers.

I will try.

I am but a work in progress on this journey that is my life.... and you lucky lucky people get to share in it!

"You're just too good to be true.

Can't take my eyes off you.

You'd be like Heaven to touch.

I wanna hold you so much.

At long last love has arrived.

And I thank God I'm alive.

You're just too good to be true.

Can't take my eyes off you."

Without fear how can we ever be brave?

Remember, for as long as we have hope we have a chance.

Gluten Free Baby, Yeah!....

....in my very best Austin Powers voice!

I mentioned it as a footnote in my last post, the fact that I had been on a gluten free diet. It continues to be a revelation of sorts, in a good way. It has now been 4 weeks and I'd like to share a little more detail of this development with you.

I had been having a rough spell, during which times I withdraw from society and become a complete recluse. After a week or so of living on what I had in the cupboard I noticed my digestive comfort had improved and on reflection realised that I had in fact, inadvertently, been eating a gluten free diet.

When you are living with a chronic illness, any changes for better or worse are poured over in minute detail, almost obsessively. What do I mean almost obsessively?! It was obsessively OK!

Gluten free had been on my radar before. When you are looking for answers you come across all sorts of information whilst researching online. I have my own rule where I only ever try to make one change at a time, otherwise how can I be sure what it is that is making me feel better or worse? This takes time and incredible patience, something all of us in the online thyroid support community have in abundance, even if it doesn't always feel this way.

Anyway, the next time I ventured out to the supermarket I made a decision to give this whole gluten free diet thing a go, for real. It is basically a lifestyle choice, with the pros and cons this inevitably involves, but it is a CHOICE. For me it appears that the benefits far outweigh the sacrifices.

The sacrifices.... I LOVE pasta and bread!.... I LOVE pastries, biscuits and cakes!.... BUT.... I LOVE my new and improved digestive comfort MORE!

Did I mention, I LOVE PASTA????!!!!

Did I mention, I LOVE PIZZA????!!!!

(more about gluten free alternatives another time)

Right, let's cut to the chase, my digestive comfort! Which I think we all know by now is my way to avoid mentioning bowel habits too many times in any one blog post!

A little history....

Since being diagnosed with hypothyroidism my bowel habits have gradually become more problematic. My bowels are a topic for discussion, instigated by me, EVERY time I see my Doctor. For the last five years I have been taking 1 or 2 sachets per day of MOVICOL, a prescription supplement produced as an "effective relief from constipation".

Had this relieved my symptoms? No, not really, I always felt bloated and uncomfortable. EVERY DAY!

My Doctor is aware of this and not once has food allergy/intolerance been discussed as a possible cause of my digestive problems. NOT ONCE!

Again it was me, whilst in the grip of a chronic illness, who had to be proactive!

This is not right! This is another example of a failure in the duty of my care by health professionals!

NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!!

After two weeks following a gluten free diet I no longer needed to take the MOVICOL. My digestive transit times are now less than 24 hours instead of 2 to 3 days. I open my bowels once or twice a day (approximately 10 times a week) and it feels natural. In the immortal words of Alan Partridge my visits to the toilet are now "textbook"! Ha ha!

It tells you everything you need to know about me that I can be so excited about something "normal" people NEVER talk about. But I have suffered!

After five years of discomfort and worry in this one area of my health, to have it improve so dramatically is worth the sacrifice. It has to be. It is a no brainer!

I am also hopeful that with normal service resumed in the bowel habits department it might make it easier for me to leave the house without fear and anxiety and the resulting loss of control of my bowels (translation; shitting myself!). This I have discussed many times before in this blog (and to anyone who will listen! Ha ha!).

It is too early to tell if this lifestyle change has had the added benefit of weight loss. I will have to wait and see if my clothes start to fit better, which would be great!

I am still getting used to these changes but I really hope that in the not too distant future I am able to leave the house and go for a walk, then build up to longer walks, and then possibly even getting my push bike out!

BABY STEPS!

I still believe, with every fibre of my being, that the best possible treatment of my hypothyroidism is still the key to unlocking my future wellbeing and happiness.

To recap; I have now been gluten free for 4 weeks. I have been caffeine free for 7 weeks. Also, it has now been 30 months since I quit smoking forever!

Yay! Go me!

BUT! I'm still fat as butter!

And I still have many untreated symptoms relating to my hypothyroidism.

C'est la vie!

But it is nice to be able to share news of progress with you my dear readers.

MOVING BACK HOME LATEST:

It is still happening but Mum did not want me sleeping on the couch! The box room (a 2.3m x 2.8m cell) is being cleared and a bed has been ordered and will be delivered in 2 to 3 weeks. Then it will be all change.

I have to keep reminding myself that this is a necessary move to make so that I can save a little money. Enough to see a private doctor and pay for my own medication if required.

All together now....

Remember, for as long as we have hope we have a chance.