I have had to accept one of mine.... which I hope is only temporary....
At this moment in time, March 2011, I am NOT well enough to go to London and watch Elbow in concert even though I have a ticket! This is the tour to promote their sumptuous new record "build a rocket boys!". Even though I want to go SO much that I am incapable of putting it into words. It's emotional. I do not like admitting defeat. I feel like I am letting a dear friend down. I worry that those around me will not understand. I do not like letting people down because I know how much it hurts me!
REWIND! Hang on a minute, did you just say you had a ticket to an Elbow gig?!?!
The story starts with the enlightenment of my senses upon discovering the music of the band Elbow.... who have been playing footsie with my eardrums ever since....
.... I dedicated a blog post to it here.... Giving me the Elbow.... where I professed my new found love.... or was I still in the throes of lust.... for Elbow's music.
A lot has happened since then.
My friend D managed to score a pair of tickets to the Elbow gig at the O2 Arena in London's Docklands.... the Millennium Dome in it's (not so) new guise.... At the time I thought that if I could continue to just make a little bit of progress I would be able to achieve my goal of attending this gig! This is NOT going to happen and I am devastated.
As you've probably guessed from the protracted silence of this blog.... I'm not having a great time of it at the moment.... to be honest, 2011 so far has passed in a blur of brain fog, bowel "inconsistencies", the ever present unrefreshing sleep, bad skin, low mood, frustration and finally acceptance of where I'm at!
I've looked back through the records I keep and it has become increasingly apparent that my current "wobbles" are in part caused by something as simple as different brands of Levothyroxine (synthetic T4). I keep saying how important this is to my Doctor and Pharmacist but they are not LISTENING to me! I get my prescription filled every four weeks and the mix of different brands over the last eight weeks has caused me problems. I know that I am most stable when all the different strengths of tablets I require are all "TEVA" not lucky-fucking-dip! I have been on all "TEVA" for seven days now and things are improving to a point where they are a little easier to cope with in the grand scheme of things.... NOT for one minute to be confused with feeling well!
I think I've stated before that bad days are my good days and really bad days are my bad days.... c'est la vie!
To give my situation an accurate perspective.... there have been bright points.... I feel a part of life again thanks to my friend D who has treated me to two outings to the local cinema.... to see The King's Speech and Paul.... eclectic I know, and both equally brilliant!
My online friends continue to embrace me as I embrace them which is SO refreshing! I am increasingly comfortable with my willingness to tell it "warts 'n' all" as part of my pledge to "keep it real"! This is evident in the extension of my ego to Twitter.... Hello tweeps.... and Facebook.... Hey facebook.... I "tweet" like I've got thousands of "followers".... not 13.... but I like this illusion of grandeur.... it acts as a form of escape for me.... and more importantly I enjoy it!
I got involved in the I Am The Face Of Thyroid Disease.... awareness month campaign and soaked up the momentary notoriety it afforded me from our online thyroid community. I keep saying.... to anyone who will listen.... it feels good to share.... that is why I blog.... I am SO selfless.... ooops.... my halo is slipping....
I have intermittently been enjoying listening to music again.... far more often than in previous years.... reading however, has been more of a struggle.... it's a concentration thing.... and I miss it.... escapism again....
I am now taking 10,000iu of VitaminD3 daily.... the Healthy Origins brand. I can feel the improvements in the background but they are struggling to be heard above the clatter and din of T4 not working.
My diet is always generally good.... but recently I've been SO good.... I get my five a day easily over the course of a week.... I have been drinking at least two litres of water per day for more than twelve years.... as well as tea and coffee.... I snack on fruit and nuts. My "treats", or weaknesses, however you choose to see it are.... a small amount of chocolate.... and a can of Diet Pepsi every day.
Now here's the nub of the matter....
The most significant developments of 2011 are in what I have NOT done.... I have NOT completed.... or even revisited.... the letter I had started to write to my Doctor.... Plan of Action: tentative first steps.... at the end of November 2010. This has to be done in order to get the ball rolling towards wellness!
Do I have to address my adrenals first? By taking synthetic T3 until I achieve Reverse T3 clearance before starting on Natural Desiccated Thyroid (NDT) of which NatureThroid is my preferred choice.
To prove that I have adrenal and T3/Reverse T3 issues I need to convince my Doctor to do the necessary testing and to then pay for the required medication.... my choice.... those of you who are getting to know me can no doubt imagine how much fun I'm having putting obstacles in the way!
To satisfy my extremist personality traits.... I need to get all my ducks in a row
Note to self: REMEMBER.... baby steps!
In my moments of weakness and self loathing I hardly dare believe what so many of you have kindly told me.... that things can.... and will (?).... get SO much better.... I feel overwhelmed with the enormity of it all and come over all tremulous and peculiar!
My finances are still torturous.... I've had a gut full thinking.... ok, obsessing.... every waking fucking minute about them! There is no light at the end of that particular tunnel!
So here I am.... unable to attend the gig of my dreams.... I have to accept my current limitations.... the alternative is to continue to beat myself up over every perceived failing I have.... and let me tell you, I am battered and bruised on the inside.... but my underlying defiance surprises me every single day!
Where are you?
I have been left physically and emotionally drained by this blog post.... even a little teary.... but I will feel better for having shared.... or "confessed".... depending on how you look at it.
I need this now more than ever.... for as long as there is hope we have a chance.... hallelujah!!!!
