Mumford & Sons - After The Storm
Update: I have yet to move back home to live with my Mum and my Brother.
They are "not ready" for me!?!?
So it is likely to be another couple of days.
But....
It is going to happen!
Decision made, end of story!
Funnily enough.... am I laughing?!?!.... since informing my Mum of my decision I have found some sort of peace with it all. And to be fair to my Mum she has always said that there is a bed for me at "home" if ever I needed it.
I will be on the couch until the box room is fixed up. Not ideal, but.... beggars can not be choosers.
It will be OK.
At some point since my last post I had an epiphany.... why have I been fighting so hard to keep my house during these difficult times?
The answer to this lies in my upbringing.... I think!?!?....
I grew up poor, not destitute, but poor. There was always food in my belly, clothes on my back and shoes on my feet. Typical working class really. Nothing at all to be ashamed of, in fact it's something to be extremely proud of.... childhood shapes us all and I am no different.
I had a happy childhood.
Yet, you see, it was a sign of social mobility for my parents generation to own their own home. I was raised in a Council House.... outdoor toilet, ice on the inside of windows and all that.... but my parents worked HARD and were eventually able to, in no small part thanks to Thatcher's government, buy their home from the Council. My Mum lives in this home, which has been modernised, to this very day.
So for me to leave full time education at 16 and make something of myself to the point where I could afford to buy my very own house was a BIG deal.
It was everything. My perceived success or failure depended on it!
Or so I thought.... until this week.
I realised I have been fighting tooth and nail to hold on to my home because I am afraid of what other people will think of me.... I know!
And this from someone who for as long as I can remember has tried to convince himself that he does not care what other people think of him.... I failed, despite deep down inside knowing I am a good man.
But you know what?!
I can tell you today.... for the first time in my life.... I do not care what others say or think about me.
It's about time I thought of me!
As I've mentioned before.... nearly all of my "friends" have vanished into the night anyway.... I am alone.... and lonely....
But I now have a clean slate.... and this is liberating.
Moving back home with Mum is a short term fix.... just how temporary only time will tell.... but I know for sure it will not be permanent.
The one thing it will allow me, is to concentrate on my health and see where that takes me. If my health improves as I hope.... which there is every chance it will.... I have every reason to be excited about the future.
If it does not then I will face it and deal with it.
I have likened my life now to finally playing the hand I have been dealt instead of trying to play the cards I wish I had been dealt. And you know what? There is much less resistance.
But why did I make the decisions I have made?
Pride? Stubbornness? Denial? Ego? Stupidity? Expectation?
Answers on a postcard!
Whatever, I need to walk with my head held high, not shuffling about staring at the ground!
This post has been me thinking aloud and writing it down.... it's a little bit jumbled.... but it's me.
I will always be me.
Hopefully in the future my writing will improve too. My prose is not flowing as I would like.... and my thought processes are jerky.... and my brain foggy!
In other news.... I have been caffeine free for more than 5 weeks, I am now stimulant free.
I have also been eating a gluten free diet for the last 2 weeks or so in an attempt to relieve my digestive discomfort. I am pleased to report that my bloated, distended belly is improving, as are my digestive transit times. I will persevere with this for a while longer before being able to accurately assess the impact of this dietary change.
I still intend to keep a journal/diary whilst living with Mum, and will try to post when I can.
Remember, for as long as we have hope we have a chance.
Bravo Robert!!! It's so good to hear you had some sort of epiphany and are at peace with your decision.
ReplyDeleteYou should be extremely proud of everything you've done so far, as you said, you left education at 16 and worked so you could own your house...that's awesome in itself. But your real success is still to come. Success will be when we beat this!! Then we would have really kicked ass!!
Hey Robert,
ReplyDeleteI read your post with interest. I don't think you have anything at all to be ashamed of. Moreover, you have the guts to realise how you are feeling and what you need and not give two hoots about what others might think because essentially that doesn't matter. What does matter is that you get well and that you are happy with your decisions!
You have always come across as inspiring, proactive and determined and you continue to do so!
Good for you for giving the gluten-free diet a try. As you know, this is something that I have been on for three months now and within days of going gluten-free, dairy-free and egg-free my distended stomach also shrank. I'm extremely happy that this seems to be having an effect for you and you are always welcome to ask me if you need any tips. I am currently co-moderating a Hashi's group on Facebook about food allergens, so will add you in case you are interested in finding out more.
Your adrenals may well thank you for going caffeine-free too. I think that many of us become dependent on this. Corey remembers only too well how he had to drink two to three cups of coffee to get going in the morning before he was finally prescribed the right thyroid meds. Now he likes coffee still, but is no longer dependent on it because he is getting the hormones he needs.
I really think you are going to do just fine living with your family, Robert! This should definitely take the stress off you financially and when we are less stressed we can focus more on healing.
Take care my friend and all the best for the future! You have come so far already and will continue to progress. Of that I have no doubt:-).
Love,
Sarah