Introspection....

It occurred to me today that there is something about me that I haven't mentioned in a while.

Those of you who have followed my blog (aka tale of woe) from the beginning will be all too familiar with it.... that's right.... it's time to talk about my.... "all together now"....

EXTREMIST PERSONALITY!

It still impacts on my life every.... single.... day!

I learnt the other day, at my meeting with my Project Worker from Mind (www.mind.org.uk), a mental health charity, that the correct term to use is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), see wikipedia page for BPD.

I felt that "extremist" was for want of a better word, well, extreme! But "borderline" implies that you are on your way to having a personality disorder but have not quite been accepted into the club just yet!

Is it any wonder I'm fucked up?!?!

From the wikipedia page for BPD there appears to be some consensus towards changing the wording of this disorder to Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. To me "emotionally unstable" implies one may be prone to violent outbursts, so this doesn't fit me either.

I digress, it is but a label.

Anyway, I wanted to try to explain how this impacts on my blog, my email correspondence with friends and even my "social networking".

It all hinges on the all or nothing thought processes that have become who I am (black or white thinking, NO grey!). You see, if I feel I can't do my very best and ultimately do myself justice (my perceived justice), I do not blog, email or interact online.

I am constantly working to address this and have blogged when less than happy with the result, sometimes even including some sort of disclaimer regarding how I'm not happy with the standard of writing etc.

With email correspondence it is even worse. I have the irrational fear of being judged by my peers and consequently their interaction with me must only be on my terms when I am again at my perceived best. Like I say, irrational, right?!?!

Running with this thought process for a moment it is clear that I have trust issues too. Why do I not trust my friends to understand that I may not always be at my best.

Is it because I fear they will no longer want to be my friend?

RHETORICAL ????    !!!!

Of course it is!

Still running.... furthermore, I hope that friends will appreciate a certain charm when my communication is a little bit clumsy. But I have not had the confidence to push this particular envelope thus far.

I have been told that my writing style (prose?) is appreciated and my musings enjoyed so why is this not enough. Self esteem issues, a lack of self worth? Yes and yes!

I think it's time for a favourite mantra of mine.... it is easy to talk the talk but much more difficult to walk the walk!

Or, do as I say not as I do.... espoused by all our favourite dictators/politicians/celebrities!

I can guess what you are thinking (ego alarm bells ringing!).... with this level of enlightenment and awareness surely salvation awaits *winks*

You would think so.

I want to try.

The friendships I have made on what is evidently to be my lifelong thyroid journey deserve nothing less. It is the shared understanding that has been so welcome, I just need to extend this courtesy to you, the readers of my blog, and my friends.

I need to try.

From a selfish perspective I think my blog will be better for it in a historical context if I am able to post in all weathers.

I will try.

I am but a work in progress on this journey that is my life.... and you lucky lucky people get to share in it!

"You're just too good to be true.

Can't take my eyes off you.

You'd be like Heaven to touch.

I wanna hold you so much.

At long last love has arrived.

And I thank God I'm alive.

You're just too good to be true.

Can't take my eyes off you."

Without fear how can we ever be brave?

Remember, for as long as we have hope we have a chance.