Autumn/Winter & The Holidays....

Autumn/Fall; here's the thing....

It is no good me trying to deny it; Autumn is rapidly approaching. Before Hypothyroidism it was one of my favourite times of the year......

Now Autumn invariably finds me in a melancholy place as I reflect on the past and look to the future. These thoughts are all the more prevalent as I approach another couple of weeks on the "night shift".

You see, the days are getting shorter and the nights longer. This means that I see even less daylight during the "night shift" period...... hence the melancholy...... this is what I have to look forward to between now and next March.

I'm going to sound like the Grinch now...... are you ready...... I do not like the Christmas/New Year holidays...... no that was not a typo, I'll repeat...... I do not like Christmas!...... Now hold on!...... Before you leave this blog in disgust, let me explain......

One, I live on my own and I'm a virtual recluse...... Two, what about family? I hear you cry...... dysfunctional at best...... that subject is for another blog in another lifetime...... Three, my finances do not allow me to buy gifts and I'm a giver not a taker...... Four, I'm a glass half empty kind of guy at the best of times so during this bleak time I dwell on what is missing from my life...... not a pretty picture! Do I really need to go on?

You'll have to trust me on this...... I used to love the holidays, I really did, but that period in my life seems a long time ago. On a more positive note...... I have not given up hope (that word again!) of recapturing the good times...... Anything will be possible if I feel human again......

But for now I will commit the cardinal sin of wishing my life away, as far as January, when I will feel as if I have broken the back of winter. October's not too bad, it's just the period from when the clocks change here in Blighty and it is dark by 5pm...... romantic? ......cosy? ......snuggled up in front of the fire? ......maybe in the future, but for now...... no!

You've got to admit; I'm full of it today......

So, how am I doing right here, right now?...... I've been better, but I've also been a lot lot worse! So that's a positive!

I have been on 137.5mcg of levothyroxine for 49 days now, so things are still settling down...... I need at least 12 weeks before I can make any kind of assessment as to where I'm at. The worst thing...... and I'll never tire of saying this...... is the whole sleep thing (trouble getting to sleep, followed by unrefreshing sleep, followed by trouble waking up)...... now don't get me wrong we're not talking 2005 here but it's still a right royal pain in the arse! Frus...... trat...... ing!!!!

The secondary symptoms are; the aforementioned melancholy, a feeling like "stitch" in my heart, "brain fog", painful feet (in the bones), constipation and bad skin. There are others but they escape me at the moment.

But the real frustrating thing is that I will miss my appointment with the endocrinologist next week because of the "night shift"...... I am seriously pissed off...... I've only been waiting 8+ years...... but at least I can reschedule. Do you know, that is one of the most frustrating things about my battle with hypothyroidism...... I can't make appointments with any degree of certainty that I will be able to make them. And I hate letting people down...... as I imagine it will only give them ammunition to ask the following question......

"Why don't you just set your alarm and get up? Surely you can manage that, it is your life we are talking about here!"...... if that thought entered your head you need to go back and start reading this blog from the beginning! Do you think I have a choice? Do you think I choose to live a "life" this way?...... Yes?...... Then listen to me very carefully...... fuck off!!!!

Like I say, I am feeling so/so. You would not think it if you had just reread the previous few paragraphs...... but hey, that's honesty for you!

On the bright side, I am fully aware that over the coming months I will...... at my own pace...... be getting answers to many questions, which will be a huge step forward. I am confident that I am going to get better...... just how much better I'll just have to wait and see......

This progress will no doubt bring more questions with it...... and I'll just have to get the answers won't I? And with the continued support of The Community, the burden will be shared and the possibilities endless......

The Community provides me with great comfort and if I in turn contribute to it in my own small way then all the better...... come on...... have I been forgiven for not liking Christmas yet?...... Too soon?...... Ok, I can live with that.

I have a feeling that I will look back on this period of my life and realise it was the time when huge progress was made...... a discovery on a par with diagnosis in 2002 and the realisation of over-medication in 2005......

So, looking to the future...... a long dark winter ahead, sprinkled with a few positives and newly acquired knowledge, the element of fear...... the T4/T3 combination therapy, synthetic/natural, doctors approval question(s)!

My finances need life support...... but I've received a positive recommendation about a debt counselling charity...... I must contact them next week!...... as I understand it; they will act as an intermediary between me and the wolves at the door...... thus relieving a bit of the pressure...... things could be worse, not much, but they could be worse!

If Santa really wants to win me back then a month in the sun should do the trick...... I'm not holding my breath!...... oh to spend a month chillin', that's right, chillin' by the pool!

See ya!...... Wouldn't wanna be ya!...... Haha!

I'll be seeing six dots in my sleep...... OCD my arse!!!!