Hypothyroidism; diagnosis and treatment 2002 - 2005.

Today's Friday, so here's my next post...

Forgive me, but while I think about it, let me begin. Once upon a time, a long long time ago there lived a man....

I was only ever diagnosed with hypothyroidism after I myself requested a blood test from my doctor. His response, verbatim; "if it will shut you up you can have your stupid blood test!". I kid you not!

Contrast this with his attitude when calling me back to discuss the blood test results. Picture the scene; he couldn't sit still and had to get up and strut around the room like a peacock, looking very pleased with himself! Again, verbatim; "I'm surprised you're even standing as your body is screaming out for thyroxine!". To this day it renders me somewhere between speechless and wanting to put him through the wall.... aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!

This all came about after suffering a nervous breakdown in early 2000. I was treated with a variety of anti-depressants, none of which worked, but actually left me worse, in a zombie like state. I later learned from the psychiatric nurse I was seeing for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) that in 25% of depressive illness cases anti-depressants just do not work. In these cases, and probably others, I believe the underlying cause of depression could be hypothyroidism. There seems to be very little public awareness of this fact!

It was this nurse who later diagnosed that I have an extremist personality. Later he was to breach patient/therapist confidentiality. Despite this the positives outweighed the negatives in our relationship so I was able to process this (my extremist personality at work!).

Anyway, I digress. By now it was 2002 and somewhere in my subconscious I equated some of my symptoms with an underactive thyroid gland. Thinking back it was the utter exhaustion and unrefreshing sleep that had significantly worsened since my breakdown that probably triggered this. I will honestly never know. But I asked for a blood test....

Little did I know at the time that this was the beginning and not the end of my battle with hypothyroidism!

I have only ever been treated with thyroxine since diagnosis in 2002. I am a big lad, 6 feet 3 inches tall and at the time about 250 pounds in weight, so my doctor started me on a dose of 200 micrograms (mcg).

This is difficult. My deterioration over the next four years was so gradual that it was only in hindsight that it became obvious. The enormity of this discovery was like purgatory.

To begin with I experienced a short period of improvement as my body adjusted to the increased levels of thyroxine.

However, during the following four years, the combnination of thyroxine being a "slow release" drug and my doctor having either no interest in, or knowledge of, my condition resulted in my deterioration going unnoticed. Other than one of my doctor's pearls of wisdom, again verbatim; "your blood test results are in the normal range so there is nothing wrong with you, it is all in your mind!". Somehow I managed to listen to my body and I knew there was something wrong.

By the second half of 2005 I was having a number of mental and physical problems.

Mentally I had gone from depressed to being obsessive (a mantra I have since learnt; under: depressive, over: obsessive). To an outside observer, and even my family, this was a subtle difference. But to me, combined with the extremist personality, it was devastating. It was at this time I reached my lowest ebb as I did not understand what was happening to me. Please bear in mind that this is now being written from a position of acquired knowledge (not quite enlightenment!) and not the sheer ignorance of 2005. One of the problems I had was that I did not realise what a serious and debilitating condition hypothyroidism could be if not treated properly.

Physically the changes were also subtle to an outside observer. The lack of energy and exhaustion was still there. The sleeping problems were still there. Except I knew they were getting worse.

Added to this I was experiencing increasingly severe panic attacks. They would happen at totally random times of day or night. I was even having them whilst sitting at home watching television, nothing external was triggering them. Anyone who has suffered just one of these knows how horrendous they are. They can be anywhere between 5 and 30 minutes of hell! Panic attacks are terrifying! You think you are going to die!

I was also having heart palpitations. These were unnerving and uncomfortable, an episode would again last anywhere between 5 and 30 minutes and would again happen at any time of day or night.

If a panic attack strikes while I am away from my home it manifests itself in a loss of control of my bowels, and not to put too fine a point on it, I shit myself! During this four year period they were getting worse and worse and understandably I became more and more reluctant to leave the house and became what I am today, a virtual recluse.

The trigger for my panic attacks today is now psychological not physical due to a repeated pattern of behaviour becoming instinctive. They only occur when I leave my home in a perceived stressful situation. I understand why this happens but I am unable, on my own, to break this pattern of behaviour.... help!

In December 2005 everything was about to change, with the help of my most treasured friends. They know who they are and that I love them unconditionally (and not just because of the help they gave me at this particular point in my life). I love you.

Please forgive me but what happened next will be covered next time as "telling my story" above has left me full of mixed emotions. Do not worry, I am okay.

It feels good to have finally put part of my experience down in words, even if I have no followers yet, as I know it is here.