My moment of clarity....

Right, where was I? How could I forget; it was December 2005 and I was at my lowest ebb....

This is still difficult to put into words, but here goes....

Thinking back to early December 2005 it was my continued sleep problems that brought me to my own personal breaking point. Every time (and I mean every time!) I tried to get to sleep was an ordeal, it was taking between 4 and 6 hours to get to sleep, and had been this serious for more than 18 months. But this wasn't the worst of it!

After a period of sleep I would not "wake up" properly, I would be in a semi-conscious state where I was sort of aware of my surroundings but unable to react to them. It was like my brain and my body were not connected. I do not have the skills to put into words how it felt other than to say it was very weird and unpleasant. I was so distant that fear didn't even come into it.  My home could have been burning around me and I would not have been able to move or react! This still wasn't the worst of it! Oh no, I kid you not!

This rather alluring combination didn't exactly start the day off on a high note. The whole process was taking between 12 and 16 hours from going to bed to getting out of bed. I know what you're thinking; there are only 24 hours in a day! Wait for it, this is the coup de grace; it has been over 8 years since I have lived my life in the 24/7/365 way we evolved to do!

Please persevere with me and I'll try to explain as this is where it gets really confusing! Imagine if you will, me trying to explain this to my doctor! Pay attention everyone as there will be a test later! Ha ha ha!

Let me begin; the time I go to bed can be any one of the 24 hours in a day! The time I get up can be any one of the 24 hours in a day! For example, and remember this is not by choice, I can be ready to go to bed at 8am and get up at 10pm! It's a cyclical process, and in December 2005 it was taking about seven days to go through the 24 hour cycle. This meant that my week only lasted 6 days! I was losing a day a week! But I still had to take my 7 doses of thyroxine! I've not missed a day since I was diagnosed, the extremist personality helps with this I think. Quite an achievement I think you'll agree.

Present day; the cycle is now 3 to 4 weeks, I keep stretching the elastic but it is not ready to let me go yet! But it will! Present day has it's own demons in this area. During the short days of the winter months 2 weeks out of every 4 I see no daylight! If you've managed to follow me this far and haven't given up this will make sense if you think about it for a couple of minutes. It's all to do with the cycle!

Anyway, back to December 2005. Figuratively I've taken the pin out of the hand grenade, rolled it across the room, and it's about to explode! Add to my sleep problems the panic attacks and heart palpitations from my last post and what have you got? Please excuse my language but it is the only way I can describe it; a fucking mess!

A promise to you all; I will never use expletives gratuitously in this blog, only when I feel they are necessary.

It is only with the benefit (or is it curse!) of hindsight that I can now admit that I was really, really, poorly. Being a man, a man's man and an Englishman at that, and what with the stiff upper lip we are renowned for, I was putting a brave face on the situation! Sound familiar?

At this point I was physically, emotionally and mentally wrecked. It was a different kind of feeling to the nervous breakdown I suffered in 2000. I was on the dark side of the moon. A place beyond tears and emotion, I was empty!

What a bundle of laughs I am! I promise, once my history has been recorded my posts will lighten up. I keep my promises (another example of my extremist personality)!

Please try to remember, at this point I still did not know that my hypothyroidism was causing these problems!

My doctor told me my blood tests were normal and my symptoms were all in my head! I grew up and went to school before the internet explosion (only just!) so I am of the generation that when your doctor tells you something it is true; fact! What a fool I was!!!!

At this time I was no longer taking anti-depressants, the only medicine I was taking was 200 mcg of thyroxine a day. I know, I know, I've asked myself the same question a thousand times; why did I not deduce that the thyroxine was the problem? All I can say is; read this and the previous post and throw in a nervous breakdown and an extremist personality!

We would all love to travel back in time but I didn't have a DeLorean so I found myself where I was! And where was I? At stinking rock bottom that's where!

And then I had my moment of clarity; stop taking the thyroxine, it is the only thing that can be making you feel this way. Listen to your own body and mind!

As so began my long and winding road to wellness, and I still have not arrived, there is plenty more still to come! I can feel a song coming on, John, Paul, George and Ringo let's go....

So, until next time....